DEV Community: Yuri Cunha

Work, Travel, Cultures & Decisions

Yuri Cunha — Mon, 27 May 2024 19:31:53 +0000

This week I had several ideas about what to post, but none of them seemed reasonable enough to share here, and as you know, this blog doesn't have a posting "schedule"... I post when I want to.

As some people know, I design, set up, and maintain databases, which is just my main job. There's also the fact that I set up servers, from hardware to cabling and configurations - and there are smaller gigs like freelance website development and volunteering as a math and artificial intelligence teacher for children. So, I end up traveling for various jobs, and currently, I've been to Canada, Japan, China, the United States, and France. Sometimes, during these trips, I end up extending my stay in the country (nothing that would expire my visa).

So, every time I extend my time in the countries I visit, I end up using the right part (brain analytics) and observing the details of each culture, and the more I see, the happier I am to know new cultures, and I use this to improve myself. And, I believe the coolest culture I've encountered was the Japanese, and I say this in a general life context.

The Japanese, in their majority, have a culture of striving to be better, giving their best, and not disrespecting people. That's something I find really cool.

It's very rare to see a Japanese person doing something to bring shame upon themselves or their close ones, and when I say close ones, I mean friends, family, and even professional hierarchy. Even politicians who steal usually commit seppuku (suicide) for having brought shame to their own family name. It's sad but highly courageous, seriously.

In Japan, for the most part, you see boys trying to have a considerably more comfortable and stable life so that they have the ability to start and maintain a family. Of course, there's also the issue of girls, who for the most part, try to minimize exposure of their bodies both virtually and physically (no, they don't wear sweatshirts when they go to the beach in the summer), the way they learn to sit in the seiza style (although it can be somewhat painful), and how they behave in general in front of people, like giving themselves respect.

Of course, not everything is rosy, but their culture manages to be better than all the others in my opinion (and certainly much better than the current one in my country, Brazil).

You need to see, within their own home, you use soft slippers only indoors, and when you go to someone else's house, known or not, if you enter it, you can't just walk in with your shoes on... they will give you one of those soft slippers they keep for visitors to use. Another extremely strong point is that you don't see Japanese people coming into your home and going after you, that doesn't exist... first, you're invited in, and then, after being invited, your limit is the person's living room, but that's the extent of how far you go, meaning they won't go and wander around your house, and now comes another cool point: you/they cannot sit without the resident's permission. Isn't that cool? They come to your house, you sit down, and if they don't say "dozo" ("go ahead"), they'll stand because without your permission, it becomes disrespectful.

Bowing to someone and/or when apologizing is cool... you show that you made a mistake, and in your mistake, you were disrespectful.

Calling someone by their family name, in respect to them and their family, is another thing that I consider incredibly amazing, seriously.

To be honest, if it weren't for my flawed Japanese (which I'm already studying and will be my fourth language), I would try for a resident visa.

Maybe another culture that I find interesting is Canada's, where you can see French and English (British-French with a bit of American) traits, so much so that you can see places like Quebec, where they mix French with English, but that will be (with a big maybe) for another post here on the blog.

Changing the subject, moving away from work, travel, and cultures, lately, I've decided to try new things, like getting on Tinder to meet someone interesting - and what I can say sincerely about it is that if you're looking for something carnal/casual/sexual, you can go ahead without fear because you'll find plenty. There was a time between 2017 and 2021 when Tinder was good, its design was more traditional (rustic and exotic), and you didn't have to pay to have a friendly/nice experience on it, but now, most of the reports I've heard say that you "need" to pay, otherwise, you won't get matches, won't be seen by other people, and a bunch of other things... I personally haven't tried this "free-paid" Tinder because I have a partnership with them, so I have a monthly code renewed with gold for free... in a week on Tinder, I had an average of 200 matches, and let's be honest, I'm not a handsome guy, actually, according to a survey (and there was one), with 25 consulted girls, on a scale of 0 to 10 (0 being horrible and 10 being a dream guy), I got 8.25, which is a high average.

On Tinder, I would select the people I liked the most by their bio (yes, I read all the bios), and those who didn't have one or only put their Instagram username, I would select based on visual appeal. And what you might say is "wow, that's hypocritical," I don't believe it is, because I don't buy clothes that don't appeal to me visually (although most are black or dark blue and plain). But, honestly, most people there were too superficial. When I saw someone saying they liked "Game of Thrones" books, I would ask or mention something about "A Song of Ice and Fire," the person didn't even know which book it was. Or when they were fans of hardware or big geeks, and the person only talked to me about a super-fast computer or Naruto and that's it... mediocre subject, with the person most of the time not leaving space for a question or continuation of the conversation. But, for me, the worst people were the ones who, in the first message, would send you their phone number, or Instagram username, and then add "I don't come here much"... so I deleted the account. Besides, Tinder's guidelines say you can't put your Instagram in the bio, in fact, it mentions that you can't put any form of external contact in your profile (I even reported some for this), and there were people selling packs, like onlyfans directly in the bio, or who would message you asking for your number or Instagram username, so when they call you, they'd start with a generic message, followed by an image with the prices of nude packs... sad.

When I was younger, I really wanted to have a girlfriend, start a serious relationship and develop that, but at the height of my 19/20 years, that desire died directly, and I kept that idea calmly until a friend said "try again, it's worth it," so I listened to my best friend, just to refute his thesis with something recent... I chose Tinder because I

wasn't aware of this "menu for intercourse/coitus", and I refuted him. But he didn't accept it, so I started going out with friends to social events, and I met eight girls, six of them wanted only sexual/casual relationships, and two wanted only a "friend with benefits", so I avoided them. Once again, as a trained physicist that I am, I presented my thesis to him, and then he accepted it.

Honestly, I'm not the type to succumb to this kind of "peer pressure" because I only have three friends, and we three are what I can call "unethical," we reject many of the standards that society imposes nowadays.

In conclusion, I went back to my MGTOW (men going their own way).

Although I've been in MGTOW since I was 19/20 years old, I don't feel a lack or need to be with someone daily... of course, I sometimes miss cuddling, but I don't miss (missing and longing are different things, research), but when I think that nowadays, everyone is hooking up with everyone, and that people don't have any culture anymore, even though they're educated (culture and education are different things, research, but, in short, culture is how you behave, education is your educational ability, like reading and writing).

Another decision I made was to treat people outside my circle with complete indifference, like, before, I still tried to treat people I was talking to as a possible person I would have in my life in the future, nowadays, I've decided not to do that anymore, it's exhausting, and although it might not seem different, but when you're someone I consider from my circle (and even a large part of my family isn't), I'm completely different... I randomly text, send some cool articles, invite you to go out on the weekend, to travel with me, send you gifts, and even text as if I didn't know how to write anymore, all stupidly, and even send you photos like a goofball.

But, closing this article/post, what I've decided most recently is that I won't do any more experiments that will require me to try to find someone to share life with... I'll comfortably stay in my MGTOW & my eternal solitude, and finally, I'll adhere to a relationship solely and exclusively casual/carnal/sexual.

Take care.

One month after leaving the internet and leaving everyone believing I'm still active.

Yuri Cunha — Mon, 27 May 2024 19:31:14 +0000

It's been...a month since I left social media.

I said in my previous post that I would delete my social media accounts, but then I did something better: I activated my AIs, my bots, and automated my posts. So, sometimes I post something through my private bot on Telegram. It formats and adds things using Tailwind patterns.

My bot sees some posts, likes others, and does what I used to do but have no desire to do anymore: look at what other people are doing.

How do I feel off social media?

Well, I feel great.

I thought I would go through a social media detox, but it seems that it wasn't even necessary. I don't open Instagram, Twitter, or Snapchat to see if anyone sent me something, much less do I check from time to time if someone posted something new, whether it's someone I'm following or someone I like to see (like Yetz).

Personally, I'm much better than I was before.

My solitude and mindfulness practices have improved significantly. My phone usage has decreased from 1.5 to 2 hours to just 25 to 30 minutes. This has been incredibly beneficial.

Currently, my daily activities consist of listening to music on my headphones, responding to messages from my few friends, and occasionally checking Tinder to see what's up.

The only exception to my phone usage meter is my Kindle. I don't see the need to own a separate Kindle e-book reader. When I'm out and about, if I'm not reading a physical book or an e-book on my phone, I'm playing games on my PSP (PlayStation Portable), especially on long trips or when I'm not in the mood to read.

Shifting gears slightly, but staying on the topic, I'm much happier and more at peace with myself.

My friends used to call me a "weird nerd," not in a derogatory sense, but because I have a resting "bad boy" face and always seem angry or like I don't want to talk to anyone. In reality, I'm just a nerdy guy who loves manga, books, anime, and technology. To top it off, I'm low-key and rarely post anything on the internet (my bot does it for me). I only view things I'm tagged or mentioned in, which is quite often.

I've always been a fan of my solitude. I only post things that have already happened in my life, so many of my posts are recycled. My AI-powered bot learned this and now replicates it, which makes some people think I'm out having fun with friends when I'm actually just reading a book, chatting with friends on Discord, or playing games on my computer, PlayStation, or PSP.

Every day, I go for a morning walk or run, complete my work tasks, and read something. I'm currently reading "The Hedge Knight" by George R.R. Martin, which is set in the same world as "A Song of Ice and Fire" (the Game of Thrones series), but the story takes place before that time period. When I'm not reading, I enjoy taking leisurely walks or runs of 10-15 kilometers around my city.

On one of my random walks around, I found one or two people who were sad and I made them smile, but the point is, I usually make people think a lot about life.

Just this week, I met a girl walking, and I was walking in the same direction, but I was walking fast, so I was faster than her. When I stopped at the crosswalk, I noticed with my peripheral vision that she was looking at me, so I looked at her, smiled, and she smiled back. I took out my headphones and said, "Every day I like to make someone smile, after all, a day without smiles is a day wasted." She laughed and said that day was not a wasted day. I laughed lovingly at that phrase and told her to take care, put my headphones back on and started walking again.

On the way I found a St. Bernard dog (the same name as my city) and I always thought this breed was wonderful, so I had to stop to pet the dog. I thanked the owner for letting me pet the dog and continued on my way. After that I arrived at the Green Area square (the people in my city gave this nickname to the square, but it has another name). I bought an acai, sat on an isolated wooden bench, and listened to some Post Malone songs, while watching people walking, running or exercising, and said to myself "if I was wasting my time on social networks, I wouldn't be able to have smiled as much as I smiled today."

Ah, each day has been wonderful and unique, even if I do repetitive things, these things end up becoming unique because of something that happens while I'm doing that task.

I believe the craziest part of this is that I am doing many things without losing my solitude. I never looked for validation on social media, just as I never cared if people stopped talking to me. Seriously, I'm the kind of guy that most girls would be angry with, because if I send you a message and you ignore me on purpose, I don't care. If I send you a message and you don't answer me for days, I won't send another message asking for attention, time or an answer. I always answer whenever I pick up my cell phone, so if you take a minute or ten days to answer me, when I pick up my cell phone or open Telegram or WhatsApp on my computer, I will answer you.

Many people think that my way of being is because I don't care, and that's not quite right. Although I love my solitude, if I have a relationship with you, whether friendly or romantic, and you take a long time to show up, I will call to see if you are okay. If you don't answer, I will send you a text message or a message through an app. The problem is that it takes time for you to become my friend, but when that happens, you become part of my lived routine.

There is a big difference between when you are just a person who talks to me and when you become at least a person with a relationship that I consider a friendship. And probably the biggest difference is that I will show and talk much more than if you weren't.

Now, speaking of this blog, it is my day-to-day or what I like to call my "time-to-time", because I post here when I believe there will be a post, and it is not linear, quite the contrary.

Well, today I will end this post here.

Always remember that you can send me an email or call me on Telegram.

Take care.

My last goodbye

Yuri Cunha — Mon, 27 May 2024 19:30:03 +0000

In the midst of this era defined by relentless connectivity, I stand at the crossroads of an extraordinary digital transformation, contemplating a pivotal decision that will redefine my relationship with the virtual realm. Today signifies the commencement of a profound chapter—the deliberate erasure of my social media footprint. Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, and various other platforms that once dictated my online existence are now on the brink of extinction in my digital universe. In this odyssey, I'm not merely bidding farewell to virtual connections; I'm dismantling the intricate web of automation that once orchestrated my online narrative.

Imagine this: my Instagram, once a meticulously curated gallery of automated reposts imitating the influencer Yetz, is now dissipating into the vast digital abyss. The seamless replication of Yetz's Instagram stories, orchestrated by bots and AI, is gracefully coming to a halt. This departure signifies more than just a retreat from artificial glamour; it marks a profound shift from the borrowed shine of someone else's life.

My inner circle, ever adaptive, has already transitioned to alternative communication platforms such as Signal, Session, or Telegram to stay connected. Nevertheless, the impending solitude prompts a self-imposed digital retreat. My phone, now permanently set in 'Do Not Disturb' mode and cloaked in grayscale, imposes strict limits on the time allocated to each application—a mere 25 minutes per day. Farewell, Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat; a new chapter begins.

The decision to sever ties with social media is deeply rooted in a profound realization: the reasons to disconnect far outweigh those compelling me to stay linked. The tipping point was a seemingly idyllic Instagram post showcasing a picturesque sunset, concealing the underlying truth of that moment—I was battling subtle depression, hungry and cold. Why did I feel the need to showcase a facade of perfection when authenticity was my true essence?

To aid in this transformative endeavor, I've armed myself with an arsenal of tools and strategies:

On my computer:

News Feed Eradicator
Distraction-free YouTube extension

On my iPhone:

Grayscale display
Airplane mode
Focus modes, particularly 'Do Not Disturb'
App-specific time limits

In cultivating healthy habits:

Meditation heightens self-awareness, curbing impulsive behaviors.
Reading replaces mindless scrolling, enhancing attention span.
Musical instruments and sports fill the void with gratifying activities.

Various lifestyle changes:

A physical alarm clock keeps my phone in a separate room, deterring late-night or early-morning digital temptations.
A 'dumb' watch replaces my Fitbit, reducing dependency on constant notifications.
A notebook and pen capture fleeting thoughts, replacing digital clutter.
Kindle or physical books offer an escape from the digital world.
Letter writing with envelopes and stamps resurrects the charm of traditional correspondence.
Venturing outside, I intentionally leave my phone behind or stow it away in a bag. The more I distance myself, the more I realize how little I truly need it.

In the pursuit of disconnection, I find solace in silence—a sanctuary away from the curated noise of social media. This intentional withdrawal is a quest to rediscover authenticity, rebuild meaningful connections, and savor the beauty of life without the digital filter.

As the days unfold in my journey of digital emancipation, the void left by the absence of constant notifications and virtual validations begins to fill with a profound sense of clarity. The quiet moments, once drowned out by the incessant buzz of likes and comments, now echo with the subtle melody of my own thoughts. The deliberate steps I've taken to minimize my digital presence are slowly transforming into a dance of liberation, a choreography of rediscovery.

With each passing sunrise, I witness the world with unfiltered eyes, unencumbered by the virtual lens that once colored my perceptions. The hues of the sky, the rustle of leaves, and the laughter of strangers in a coffee shop all become more vibrant, more authentic, as if the world has shed its pixelated veil. This newfound clarity extends beyond the physical realm, penetrating the depths of my relationships.

I begin to appreciate the genuine conversations that flourish without the constant interruption of notification pings. The richness of a shared moment, unmarred by the compulsion to document it for online consumption, adds a layer of authenticity to my interactions. As I delve into the art of letter writing, the tactile pleasure of putting pen to paper becomes a sensory experience, replacing the sterile tap of a keyboard.

The digital detox seeps into my professional life, too, as I reevaluate the meaning of productivity in a world perpetually connected. The once incessant urge to check emails and respond to Slack messages is replaced by a deliberate focus on deep work. My creative pursuits, once overshadowed by the instant gratification of social media engagement, now unfold in the quiet sanctuary of concentration.

Yet, the process of disconnecting is not without its challenges. The reflex to reach for my phone in idle moments, seeking the instant distraction of a digital scroll, remains a persistent echo of my former self. However, armed with resilience, I redirect that impulse towards more mindful activities – a few pages of a captivating novel, a stroll in the park, or a moment of quiet reflection.

The absence of curated perfection in my virtual life accentuates the beauty of imperfection in the real world. I embrace the candid snapshots of life, acknowledging the rawness of emotions and the unpredictability of experiences. The flaws and vulnerabilities once concealed behind filters now stand proudly, adding depth to the tapestry of my existence.

As I navigate this uncharted territory, I find myself becoming an unintentional advocate for a life less digitally adorned. Friends and acquaintances, initially perplexed by my decision, begin to witness the transformative effects. Some join me in the pursuit of mindful disconnection, while others observe from a distance, curious about the path less traveled.

In the quietude of this digital detox, I forge a deeper connection with myself. The introspective moments that were once fleeting now become a constant companion. In the absence of external validations, I discover an internal compass guiding me towards authenticity and self-discovery.

With each passing chapter of this narrative, the decision to sever ties with the digital mirage emerges as a pivotal turning point. The canvas of my life, once crowded with pixelated imitations, now awaits the strokes of genuine experiences and unfiltered emotions. The odyssey continues, and as I navigate the uncharted waters of a life less connected, I realize that in disconnecting from the virtual noise, I'm uncovering the symphony of my true self.

reflections of a conflicted impostor

Yuri Cunha — Mon, 27 May 2024 19:20:27 +0000

Ah... how difficult it is to admit this, but I failed. Actually, I don't know if it's difficult, if I'm afraid, or if I just lack courage, despite many people saying that fear is the absence of courage, so this might be redundant.

I always thought I was a very intelligent guy and ahead of my time, especially when I was around 18 years old or younger. I remember people always saying that I was very mature for my age, because I had values that were already lost, and even my culture was from generations much earlier than mine. When technology was still a novelty, and servers were something only large or well-structured companies had, I was basically a master, and I was still a minor... I remember setting up LANs for acquaintances or friends to play games, and even setting up a server (more like hosting in this case) at home, so people could create their own game servers, websites, emails, and various programs... I did so many things that were, well, let's say "ahead of my time." Talking like this, I even seem old, but I'm still not over 25.

The issue, in itself, is that I miserably failed to become someone better or maybe even to be someone.
I don't know exactly how I failed, much less where I failed professionally, because, seriously, I have two degrees, over 90 courses (which I paid for), including at Harvard, Cisco, and even Microsoft certifications, but still, professionally, I feel that I failed and continue to fail, even going through trial and error. And when it comes to being a person, on a personal level, I also failed, I don't know how and I don't know where, but I miserably failed.

I lost one of my three friends, I currently check my phone about 3-4 times a day, and totaling that time, I don't exceed about one to two hours a day on my phone (excluding when I'm out or traveling, in which case screen time usually exceeds eight hours since I watch anime). And I can't feel good about myself today, I can't have a romantic relationship with any girl, not because I'm not attracted to any, but because I simply don't have the desire to talk to someone in that sense. I can't simply like most of my family, mainly due to their attitudes, which I don't agree with. Besides, I consider family to be people who are with me, who share moments with me, or who simply create bonds, not people who share part of my DNA.

Maybe my solitude and loneliness have brought me this feeling? I doubt it.
My solitude and loneliness are things I chose and am happy with in most cases, and my indifference to things that don't affect me is also something I feel good about. Actually, these or this is the only point where I feel good and accomplished.

Honestly, this seems like an endless confusion. A crazy paradigm or paradox.
My professional failure, in which I dedicate and have dedicated a lot, building a name in the technology field, participating in various open and even some closed projects. Building a GitHub portfolio that has surpassed six thousand followers. My personal failure, even though I've understood that I enjoy my solitude, loneliness, and indifference to most problems. However... where are these failures? Where exactly did I go wrong? Where can't I recognize the error, or why do I believe there is a failure? What kind of mental confusion is this?

Ah, my psychologist said that I suffer from impostor syndrome: I think I'm bad at everything, that I don't do anything well or good, and that I failed miserably at everything, but actually, I'm fine and doing well, but I deceive and lie to myself saying the opposite. But honestly? I don't know, I can't see or understand that.

Maybe my chronic depression is causing this? Even if it's somewhat stable? Or is it because I grew up hearing from my biological parents that I was a shame and should have died? Even hearing from my adoptive parents that I was a pride and the best they could have?

Changing the subject a bit but still within it, sometimes I cry at night and don't even seem like the same person during the day or in front of others.
When I'm out with my headphones on, listening to a song I really like, I dance alone and even sway if I don't dance. I smile when I see something I find cool or a person who has an enjoyable conversation, and look, even people who don't agree with me but know how to have a debate make me smile because we are human beings with different cultures, ideas, or views, but who can still have a conversation with debate without attacking the other. I also laugh, even chuckle, when I see something funny. And all this on the street, but most of the time, my mind is thinking about how I managed to fail in every aspect of my life and how I'm a despicable person, while at the same time thinking I'm an awesome guy, and hearing from others how intelligent I am.

In the end, am I a flawed, confused, silly, good, intelligent guy, or a bit of everything? Honestly, I don't know.

Navigating contradictions in life

Yuri Cunha — Wed, 08 May 2024 18:37:09 +0000

In the jumble of thoughts and emotions that make up my existence, I find myself entangled in a web of contradictions. It's not poetic; it's real, raw, and sometimes messy. Here's the truth about living as a paradox:

I'm drawn to happiness, sure, but I can't shake off the weight of sad thoughts that often cloud my mind. It's like there's a constant tug-of-war between the two, and I'm stuck in the middle.

I'm not always my biggest fan. I see my flaws and shortcomings more clearly than anyone else. But amidst all that self-doubt, there's a begrudging respect for the person I've become, scars and all.

When I say "I don't care," it's not because I'm indifferent. Deep down, I care too much. It's just easier to put up walls than to deal with the vulnerability that comes with caring.

Attention is a tricky thing. I crave it, no doubt, but when it comes my way, I often find myself pushing it away. It's like I'm afraid of what it might reveal about me, or maybe I'm just not used to being seen.

I've been both a healer and a wounded soul in relationships. I've tried to fix others, thinking it would fix me too, only to end up with my own heart broken in the process.

Listening comes naturally to me, but sharing doesn't. I'm great at keeping other people's secrets, but when it comes to my own thoughts and feelings, I'd rather keep them locked away.

So yeah, I'm a walking contradiction. It's messy, it's confusing, but it's real. And maybe that's okay. Maybe embracing the messiness of life's contradictions is the most honest thing we can do.

after my epiphany coupled with my burnout, i continue

Yuri Cunha — Wed, 01 May 2024 20:44:49 +0000

after my epiphany coupled with my burnout, i continue creating scripts and working on my projects. despite all this not being exactly what most recommend, pushing my own projects forward will help me care more about things, and since they are my projects (or in which i am the majority), it gives me more freedom to do things under the radar, without necessarily having to follow a protocol/kanban or worry about other participants.

mental/psychological burnout

Yuri Cunha — Mon, 29 Apr 2024 00:00:00 +0000

i basically spent two or three days creating a code that would auto tag and auto deploy releases for my projects, but i think i ended up burning out. but the problem itself isn't even that, the problem is that mental/psychological burnout for someone who already has depression is almost like a conscious coma

Im glad you’re here. Dont go anywhere.

Yuri Cunha — Sat, 13 Apr 2024 19:44:57 +0000

Hey, how's it going?

Congratulations, you've made it through another day!

Take a moment to acknowledge yourself; these past few months have been quite the journey.

I understand completely. It's been a struggle for me too.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it seems like you're slipping back into that place you worked so hard to escape from.

Remember, you aimed to be where you are right now. You wanted to conquer each day.

But don't let yourself slip. Keep in mind, every setback is an opportunity to learn and grow.

Life throws so much at us; it's all about learning to navigate through it.

I'm rooting for you, buddy. I want to see you thrive again. I want to see you back on track.

Promise me you'll find your way back.

I'm proud of you

Yuri Cunha — Sun, 07 Apr 2024 18:09:31 +0000

Hey, buddy!

You did it! Another day and another week! Another one conquered. You should be proud of yourself. Seriously. I'm proud of you. I know you have a lot going on. I know there's a lot weighing on your shoulders. You have a lot on your chest. Don't stop. You can't give up.

You've come too far, man. Your heart is a warrior! You're stronger than you think. You've overcome all those other bad days. And I know those days all blend together.

Yesterday feels like today and tomorrow will feel like yesterday. That's just kinda how things go. There's only one thing you can do, you have to change tomorrow. You have to be better than you were today and don't forget your future needs you. Your past doesn't.

You're going to be okay. I know you will. You always are.

Make sure you can smile today and tomorrow.

I'll always be here. I'll always be proud of you.

I was born in the wrong generation

Yuri Cunha — Wed, 20 Mar 2024 00:00:00 +0000

I think many people must have already read about how much I enjoy being alone, and for me, in a general context, it's okay, but I admit and confess: I wish I had someone.

You know, lately, during my aimless walks or in those moments when you start to ponder about life, I've been thinking about how much I wish I had someone close to me. And when I say close, I mean a girlfriend.

It had become a sort of consensus that I would die alone, and when I say die alone, I mean without friends and a girl with whom I would or should share my life. Not that I see an extremely big problem here, but because, as I said, it was already a consensus.

I've heard from my uncle that I would die like him, without friends, with a certain significant amount of money in the bank, but sad and happy at the same time. And the worst part is that I had already accepted that. I had really told myself many times, "I'm going to die alone and it's okay," and I really had in mind that it was okay. However, nowadays, despite it being okay and my acceptance of it, I really wish I had someone... But for me, it's extremely difficult to have or find someone.

I'm a very logical guy and not very sentimental. I don't pretend or lie, I speak the truth straightforwardly, without beating around the bush. I don't measure the words I'm going to say; there's no softening of the facts. I'm also a guy with old moral values, so much so that there's a phrase I really like that says, "Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong decade. I have principles that have been lost and love things that are no longer valued," and this is not even close to being a joke in good or bad taste.

I possess values ignored by many of the people I interact with today. And so I increasingly live with the conflict of feeling even more alone, even though I'm surrounded by people who trivialize what I don't see as acceptable. Yes, I'm also a romantic dude, and I don't see a problem with that. Yes, I miss when the little things were valued, and I have the right to reproduce and believe in what I find important but absent in our relationships.

I keep thinking about how crazy it would be to send a letter today to someone and know that the response will take a while to arrive. And that the response could come on a postcard with a photo along with a lipstick mark and the scent of that perfume that intoxicates as you read and gives that taste of presence. The truth is that we knew the importance of waiting, the effort it takes to cultivate a friendship or love relationship. We were aware of how difficult everything was to achieve, and so there was a greater sense of value. Today, some relationships begin and end, and people only got to know well the emojis used, the preferred poses in social media photos, the way the person uses ellipses and almost doesn't use commas. But they hardly knew the voice, hardly knew the emotions, hardly really looked into each other's eyes.

Today, many times, we find ourselves measuring the attention the other gives us by how quickly they view and respond to our messages. And if that message isn't answered, the war is declared, the confusion is armed. Because in the urgency we live in, we no longer know how to wait. It's the price we pay for living hurried days in our obligations, with virtual closeness and tremendous real distances.

In my parents' and grandparents' time, relationships actually ended. Today, they barely begin and often don't end. And just as it started in any casual chat, it ends with a nice ignore on WhatsApp, an unfollow on Twitter, and a thousand indirects on Instagram. Today, people live the cowardice of ending a relationship by SMS/WhatsApp and believe that a story can be subtly interrupted in a few characterless characters without much explanation, without showing the certainty of their decisions. It is indeed horrible to have to end something, but what's the reason for ending something so selfish and impartially? Discussing the relationship and the whole "we need to talk" thing has always been difficult. But I still prefer to look into each other's eyes, express my opinions, my dissatisfaction, hear the truth coming out of the person's mouth, even if I don't agree but knowing how to respect. And I think that's worth so much, but for many, it no longer means anything.

But it's sad how more and more nobody respects each other; there's no concern for anything beyond themselves. People live disrespecting one thing here and another there and begin to think it's normal and become one more to spread something that should be totally unacceptable. We live in a generation full of spoiled people. People who increasingly shirk their responsibilities. Who only want the good side of life but despair when they find themselves in difficulties. People who are great at living for one night but hardly know how to live for a month dedicated to someone. People who know very well what to say to convince someone to live some moments but don't know what to do to truly keep someone by their side. They want to live life urgently, with the tired speech that one must be happy and detached, waving the flag that one must experience all the pleasures of life. They believe the ends justify the means, even if they have to deceive, use people, pretend feelings, pretend to be someone they're not.

Whenever someone was going to do something for another, they should ask themselves: If it were me, how would I feel? Would I like it or hate it? Yes, you know I'm indifferent about most things, but what I've explained and many may not have understood, realized, or let pass is that I don't have antipathy; I just do my best not to create or get involved in others' problems that are not directly related to me.

But the truth is that people seem to be getting used to wanting a lot while giving little. They believe everything should be temporary out of fear of outcomes, of attachments. Fear when the laughter ends, the table is no longer full, when there are no more jokes or good times. And so they live with each other as long as there's something to gain, to enjoy. As long as everything is good, as long as living is a good time. A mixture of selfishness with a high dose of interest. I think this explains the crowded bars and the empty rooms during hospital visits. This explains who abandons us when we need them the most.

But many, when reading this, may say that in our generation, despite these problems, everything has become easier. That now we don't call by phone or cell, but we use free internet calls and video conferences to do the same. But then I ask, how many really do that? The overwhelming majority content themselves with words because they are easily manipulable. Much can be said without caring about the truth, without caring about expressions, if they're laughing or not. If they're crying or not. Look around. People are together but glued to their cell phones. They're present but more concerned with taking photos to show off on social media. They waste the time they should be looking at each other, loving each other, enjoying the moment and the place, trying to find the best position to photograph and show how specialthat moment is. But if it truly were special, they wouldn't even think of capturing it. When something is truly unforgettable and we're busy enjoying it, we often forget to take many photos because listening to the other's voice, being present, kissing, hugging, enjoying is indeed the most important.

Before, to make a call, we had the cost of calling, it was a sacrifice. Receiving the call and hearing the "Hello" from that loved one was worthy of a declaration of love. It was really a proof that the person really missed us, cared, missed us. Before, we knew each other's handwriting, we spent a long time writing letters, flirting was much more fun. There was that moment of observing, exchanging glances. The other person was truly a mystery to us. We didn't know their tastes well because we hadn't stalked them on Instagram or Twitter/X before. Starting a conversation was somewhat intriguing, but it was more exciting because it was done in person, without much fuss. And to meet new people, we had to force ourselves out of our comfort zone and go out there to face the music. Today, the charm of a real conquest has been lost. Because it often starts to become quite rare. In other words, today everything is easily conquered, but also very easily discarded. We live in a programmed obsolescence among us.

Today people declare much more what they want, and because of that, there's not much conversation anymore, but just a little willingness from both, enough to do something at that moment. Today we have apps to get into a relationship. We choose people as if we were objects in a shop window. We're throwing away our inner values and fighting more and more to improve our exterior because in such superficial relationships, we don't have time to show anything else. What matters is always improving our beauty, camouflaging our age, and cultivating a few preferences and qualities as cliché as saying that we're perfectionists in a job interview. And right there we arrange a date, exchange a few words, and what used to take much longer and was more valued is now achieved very quickly and undervalued. It doesn't matter with whom, as long as in the end, we can have the maximum pleasure. That in the end, the night was worth it, to let off steam. Arrive, do it, make it happen, and leave.

And we keep living single, but in the illusion that we're never alone. We content ourselves with little when inside, we want much more, we want a lot. But we go on with life, accepting crumbs out of fear of loneliness. But perhaps what no one has noticed is that despite our choices, in the future beauty will have gone away, people will be even more accustomed to discarding, not valuing, only cultivating the superficial. Our destiny will be quite cruel because we'll see ourselves really as objects thrown away and that no one else wants. Because what remained in us, which should have been so important, was taught by ourselves to be trivialized. And yes, we'll be in complete loneliness. Still single, but we won't live in the illusion of being alone anymore; we'll be definitively abandoned.

And in the face of so much use of technology, we're becoming less real people, living virtual realities. We think that in life, everything must happen almost at the speed of light, at the speed of an email or a message through WhatsApp. We're accelerating things so much, lost in a hurry without any reason, when we should start relearning to live the moments more calmly. Relearn how important it is to value and have the other, have a friendship, a love.

The truth is that romantic relationships today last less because we're always racing off to experience everything as soon as possible. And they end because, obviously, everything happens so fast that it loses its charm. And today we don't try to fix anything, at the first defect or disappointment found, the person goes and calls the next in line of interested ones. We no longer make an effort for anything because before we see if it's real, we already surrender body and soul, with total recklessness in front of our self-love. And when someone feels entitled to go slower, many times the other doesn't understand, and finds themselves in a hurry to go live other stories that allow them to enjoy what is currently denied. But is that really important? Does it need to be like this? And what about those who use the pretext of trying to fill in the gaps of the relationship, resorting to betrayal? It's funny that people who cheat often don't want to be cheated on. In other words, they want everything for themselves and nothing for others. And we're increasingly losing ourselves in our desires.

And many go on like this, always justifying urgencies; everything is an emergency. The urgency is to live. But what does it really mean to live? Until when do we have to keep going in this frantic search to live only what's good? And when will we realize the value of the simplicity of life in the small moments? In the great efforts? When will we realize that life is not just pleasure, not just sex, and life is far from being this colorful world that people post about? When will we realize that we're losing ourselves in our freedoms? When will we learn that technologies help us to get closer, but physical proximity cannot be neglected? We must not stop looking into each other's eyes. We have to enjoy our advancements without devaluing what should never have gone out of style.

I hope people continue to realize that a smile is worth more than a "=D". That a declaration of love made in person, a hug, sincere words, are worth more than a "<3" or a "S2". I hope people don't replace the pleasant sound of the other's laughter with a fake "hahahaha" too much. We have to be close virtually, but even closer for a handshake. What we are on the outside is important, but what we have on the inside is much more impressive. Before hurting others, before using each other, discarding people like objects, we should never forget that inside each of us, there is a heart that, despite being hurt and disbelieved, only waits for the moment when it will truly be loved for who it really is. We don't just want a message viewed and responded to; we want to be seen and reciprocated. Let us continue living our lives hurriedly, very committed, but knowing how to value the sweet taste of waiting, lived without fear. May we learn to prune the freedoms that can distance us from ourselves. Life was made to be and not to have. Let's never lose ourselves in our daydreams, let's never stop being who we really are. We must not let ourselves be trapped by the other's reckless freedom. We deserve love, we deserve more calmness, more respect. We deserve to live slower. Whoever is in a hurry can go ahead; in the end, we'll all be in the same place.

Ah, indeed, I'm in the wrong generation.

Today, I'll end it here. Take care. Love each other. And I hope you find that person who will love you and be with you until the end of your life, and every time you look at each other, your eyes shine mutually.

This time, I'll end with the following closing and greeting: With love, Yuri.