DEV Community: Kimono90

What I learned from being burnt out

Kimono90 — Wed, 11 Jan 2023 16:28:01 +0000

In the article below I want to share my personal experience with my burnout. Please know that I'm not a health care professional and I mainly write this to connect with others and share my experiences. If you feel like you're chronically stressed or burned out, I encourage you to reach out to your doctor for professional advice.

The build up to a burnout 💣

So yeah. In December 2021, I got into a burnout.

I had been struggling with exhaustion for a year already, and the doctors I went to up until then, could not find the cause of it. Although I was aware of how important mental health was, I myself also did not see it. Mainly because I was 'just tired', happy with the type of work that I do, and did not have any other symptoms (until the end of the year). And tiredness is such a vague complaint that there could be a lot of causes for it (vegetarian diet, vitamins, hormonal imbalance, COVID, lyme, etc.). I think it is important to tell you this, because this shows how extremely sneaky the build up to a burnout can be. Eventually I noticed more symptoms showing up such as simply being overstimulated (not being able to handle social events anymore, easily irritated and more emotional). And only then, it became clear. Weird enough, it also gave me some satisfaction because finally, after a year of searching and experimenting, there was a reason for my extreme exhaustion. And I could start to work on it.

My personal learnings and insights 💡

I've summarized a list of (what I consider) the most important insights I was able to receive during my period of burnout. I hope this can contribute to the prevention of burnout for others or simply improve the way you live your life in small bits.

Burnout is not something that is 'just in your mind'

There is a reason that burnout recovery takes so long (according to Dutch numbers 9 months is the average recovery time). When you are burned out, your entire nervous system has been giving more than it could handle for a really long time. So you have used up all the energy you could have (not talking about an energy on a daily level, but your TOTAL battery reserve). It took you a long time to completely drain this, so it will also take a long time to completely fill it again.

I've read about cases where people with a burnout got temporarily blind or could not walk or use their arms when they were at their absolute lowest point. Luckily for me this was not the case but this example shows how your body just tries to focus on the most important task: keeping you alive, even if that means you can't see or walk for a while. Basically your body just says: you've done enough, I am going to take the wheel now, and you have nothing to say about it.

And this immediately touches an important part in burnout recovery: accepting your 'current state' and enabling the body to do its healing.

We underestimate the importance of emotions and feelings 💆

We tend to behave like our bodies are just 'bags' around our brains. We quickly jump to rational thinking, without really giving space to feel our emotions and sensations. And often we also simply do not know how to practice a healthy regulation of our emotions. Have you ever experienced a thought like: "I know [insert example X] is a better way of thinking, but my feelings are not there yet" and then just moved on because you rationally thought it was 'the right thing to do'?. So it kinda feels like you're not fully convinced of your rational thought? That right there, is a sign to give yourself more room for your emotions. That does not mean you should instantly change your decision just so it 'feels good'. Instead be curious about why you feel like this in the first place. It might help you get the mindset you need in the end.

To give an example: many people (in their childhood) have come into contact with phrases similar to 'don't cry', 'don't get angry', 'don't be afraid' or 'don't be so sensitive'. This implies that feeling these emotions is wrong and they should not be there. So later in life you experience fear and you're like ''Oh no, this is bad, I have to get rid of my fear'', which (in my experience) only makes it worse and worse because you are actively training your brain that fear is unsafe to have. And guess what your brain wants? Your brain wants keep you safe at all times (survival). So it will move away from what it is conditioned to see as 'unsafe'.

If we can learn to view and experience (the full range of) emotions in a healthy way it will help us navigate through them better. In my experience practising mindfulness and going to therapy sessions for more challenging aspects (f.e. dealing with anxiety) can educate you on how to regulate your emotions better.

Let's translate this to a metaphor where we see 'struggling with anxiety' as a broken finger: would you walk around your entire life with a broken finger and say ''this is just who I am'' if there are ways to heal it? Of course not. But why do we tend to do that with our mental challenges?

Since my burnout I am trying to see my emotions or sensations as signals, instead of 'truths'. So when I felt anxious I would usually try to get rid of it, but now I try to check in with it and see "What makes me feel like this right now?". Often I come to the conclusion it is linked to an unhelpful belief that I have (f.e.: "If colleagues are frustrated because of something you did, you are not a good colleague."). And then I can ask myself: "Does this belief still help me today? Or should I make a change to something more helpful?" (f.e.: "You can't control other people's emotions and are also not responsible for their happiness."). Of course this is not something that will suddenly change overnight, but being aware of your unhelpful beliefs is already a really great step. Because often, you don't even notice since you have been behaving like that for your whole life already.

Another thing when it comes to feelings and emotions: ever had someone tell you they ''dont agree'' with your feelings? Please keep in mind that your feelings are there, and that is a fact. If others have trouble accepting this, then it is not your responsibility or problem to convince them in some way. What is within your responsibility is how you deal with those feelings. The control is yours. Just as it is the responsibility of others how they deal with their feelings (f.e. when they have trouble accepting that you feel a certain way).

Things that work for others, might not work for you

If you ever had to deal with mental health issues like a burnout, you know that you get a lot of unsolicited (well meant) advice, mostly based on their own experiences. Although some of it might be helpful, keep in mind that you have your own journey of finding out what works for you. For example: I dealt with insomnia during my burnout and I tried following every single tip there was to be able to get some sleep. This eventually just created even more pressure and less sleep. When I was able to let go of that I thought: "I have been able to always sleep after watching TV in bed. Let's try to relax a bit and go back to my old habits (even if they are 'not good' for my sleep)". And eventually my insomnia got less and less. Without following all the scientifically proven advices.

It is not your fault ❤️

This one is very important. My boyfriend had to tell me this multiple times in the past year 😬... Even though it might be hard to believe it. Getting into a burnout is NOT your own fault. There are so many factors involved. I really hope you keep this in mind when recovering. For me, there were so many moments where I thought: "why can't I do this, and everyone else seems to be able to. It must be me or something I do".
And EVEN if that would be the case, you cannot blame yourself for that. You did not conciously choose to for example be a perfectionist. Your behaviour is connected to what you went through in life. That doesn't mean it's all set in stone and you can't change it. But my point is that you are not 'guilty' or 'to blame'. But you are able to 'take responsibilty'. And that is a big difference.

Next to own behaviour there are some characteristics that can contribute to burnout, such as:

High workload or pressure (due to deadlines, lack of knowledge or experience)
Lack of autonomy and control over your tasks
Unclarity in what your responsibility and/or tasks are
Lack of appreciation
Bad work culture (bullying, micro aggressions, discrimination, etc.)
Poor work-life balance

When you are at a point that you go back to work, it is good to get an overview of the things that give you stress or pressure at work. So you are able to take action or discuss it with your colleagues or manager when it is needed.

Trust the process

When going through a burnout, it is very easy to get discouraged and feel like nothing you do helps you in your recovery. At least that is how I experienced it. So here's just a shoutout to people that are trying to recover: you're going to get there! Really! ✨

Concluding

This is just a summary of things that were insightful to me. There is probably much more to it and it has been a life changing experience for me. I hope sharing this will help people realize how it is to have a burnout or help others in their recovery.

I am now in the home stretch of this whole process. And I am very grateful to everyone who supported me during this incredibly challenging time.

❤️ 🐢

Nevertheless, Kimono90 Coded!

Kimono90 — Mon, 08 Mar 2021 08:55:07 +0000

My most recent achievement was…

Last year has been the year that I became a software developer. In January 2020 I started my first C# course. Along the way I gained my first working experience in the back-end. And during the year I also learned to work with TypeScript and React and gained my first front-end experience. It was a hell of a year, but I could not have been happier with this career switch!

Advocating for myself looks like…

I find it important to try and focus on myself and my own growth as much as possible. In my opinion there's a lot of strength in doing things for yourself because you want them. Then the main goal becomes making yourself happy and in the end that's what matters. That's what others will see when the time comes. And when they don't, it also doesn't matter. Because you did the things for yourself anyway.

My biggest goal is…

Right now, I'd be super happy if I can grow towards a more independent developer. I have noticed front-end is an area that brings me joy. So it would be awesome if I could eventually be one of the devs coming up with nice improvements for our department in that area. After that, I'll see what my next goal is ✨.

My advice for allies to support underrepresented folks who code is...

It's already amazing if you're aware of your own behaviour and the behaviour of others when it comes to this. Making sure to take others seriously, including them and asking for their opinion already helps a lot! Another great thing is just to talk about it on a personal level. Don't be afraid of this. Maintaining a 'silence' about this subject is even less desired, because then the underrepresented character will live on. I challenge you to break the silence 😄!

For underrepresented folks who code

Remember where you do it for. You code because it's something you're passionate about. No one can take that away from you.

I know it can be extremely energy draining to start a discussion with people that think you don't deserve it or joke about for example women's skills. Try to find people that support you and stick with them. This way you can create a more friendly environment for yourself to grow.

You can only spend your energy once, so if you ask me, I'd rather spend it on my own growth than on battling others. Although I'm super grateful some people do. Awareness is still important, don't get me wrong.

I have just noticed that my strength is in showing people, instead of battling people. And that's ok too 😄.

"X things that you must do to be Y"

Kimono90 — Fri, 27 Nov 2020 09:53:51 +0000

Hey lovely people ❤️,

Lately I have been scrolling a bit through articles (on Dev, but also general subjects) and the thing I see a lot are article titles like:

10 things you must know as a good Software Developer;
5 things you should not do as a beginner;
8 mistakes beginners make;
etc.

You get the idea of it.

What's up?

I have noticed these titles trigger me (and probably others too) to click it. It's a call to action and makes you curious. I also noticed, at least for me personally, it bothers me a bit. Why? Because it kind of seems to be a 'command' to do something. And if you don't, you're not doing the best you can. Or you're not following 'the norm' (at least what is considered to be the norm according to the writer of the article).

I'm not sure if I'm alone in this feeling, but if not, my advise for everyone would be: try to put things a bit more in perspective for yourself a bit.

Putting things in perspective

What helps for me is rephrasing it like for example "This writer thinks that these are the 10 things you should know...". This makes it less of a "statement" and helps myself decide if I actually want to read it or not. In the end, it's only the writer's opinion and not the truth.

As I know the developer community, probably everyone has some awesome things they want to learn. And that's already great! Good is good enough. Does the article fit within your current priority/goal? Then it can be useful. If not? No worries, titles are not alive and can't judge you. And even if they did, you have the perfect motivation to not read on a subject and focus on what is important for YOU.

Hope this pep talk-ish article helps the ones that need it. You're doing an amazing job ✨!

My journey to a Software Engineer: First learnings

Kimono90 — Tue, 19 May 2020 18:29:49 +0000

With this article, I would like to share some things I learned until now in my journey towards a Software Engineer 😀. I hope it is useful to you in any way.

Find study material that fits you best 🧠

One thing is certain: the world is packed with study material about Software Development. And of course everyone has their reasons to read a certain book, watch a specific video or read that awesome article.

Not following a predefined curriculum of subjects, I learned that it is really important to find out how you learn best and find the fitting study material. The only way to discover this is just to try different ways of learning.

For example

I know about myself I can watch videos and read stuff all I want, over and over again, but I need exercises (a lot of them) for it to stick. I might not be the fastest one in understanding new concepts, but by knowing which way of learning fits my brain I can make sure it doesn't wear me down as much and I can keep doing it for a longer time.

It can by all means also be more than one way! To be more specific, think of:

Video tutorials
Reading (e-)books
Exercises/Coding challenges/Katas
Personal projects
Pair programming
On the job learning by doing small tasks in a team
Code reviews

The best advice I can give from my experience in the past months: please, don't force yourself to read a certain book because 'someone more experience said you really needed to' while it doesn't work for you. Of course suggestions are welcome, but don't feel bad to try something new if the current way of learning doesn't fit how you learn best. And be confident about that. No one knows/feels that better than you do. But be open for some friendly advice 😉.

Make your first projects fun 👩🏻‍💻

A few months ago I watched a beginner coding video on YouTube where someone mentioned to make your personal coding projects professional (for example, building a complete employee management system). So you have something to 'add to your portfolio' and 'show off your skills' in interviews.

In that same period a good friend gave me the advice to start out with some fun coding projects. When listening to his motivation I noticed this approach would leave out unnecessary pressure for me and I liked that. Just, applying what I have learned so far and making something simple/low key. And I will see what happens from there.

My first two coding projects were:

A storytelling game console app with a Christmas story where the user could choose scenario's
A command-line Tamagotchi

I have learned a lot from these and as a cool side effect: colleagues wanted to play them => hello code reviews!

Of course this is my personal experience on first projects and if you really love going for a business app as a first project, by all means go ahead 😃!

I just wanted to share that it is not really needed to build something 'useful' to gain experience, as long as the enthusiasm is there. And of course this doesn't mean that you can't have fun working on your professional portfolio. But I noticed it's easy to get dragged into the 'building your portfolio' stuff. I decided that my goal was to learn to apply my coding knowledge. It didn't matter how I did that.

Ask for code reviews a lot ✍🏻

As a beginner, it can be scary asking more experienced people to review your code. But I noticed it brings my a lot. For me it's another way of learning different ways of solving a solution. And it's a great moment to ask questions about concepts that are new to you as well. The 'why' question is important here.

So if someone suggests a change, be curious and ask why would they do it like that? Not to start a discussion about what is 'best', but to learn different views. Plus it will give you practice to think along in different solutions to a coding problem in the future. It does help to find some people you feel comfortable with. And you know that enjoy taking the time to explain things to you.

Choose where your energy goes 💆🏻‍♀️

Learning Software Development means absorbing an incredible amount of information. I can be an impatient person when it comes to this. "Why don't I get this?" - "Oh right, 5 days ago I didn't know what this subject was at all, calm down".

There are a lot of areas to focus on: languages, frameworks, back-end, front-end, testing, API's, authentication and authorization, Databases, etc. It's normal you can't know it all at once.

It helped me to define what is the most important thing to learn next and focus on that first. Instead of doing it all at once. Of course you can change the priority as soon as something else becomes more relevant. Next to this, be open about your focus area to others so they can think along.

Think in small steps 💪🏻

It's easy to forget small steps in your growth, while in the end it will form your learning journey. Those are successes as well! How cool would it be to look back and see specific actions/small learnings? Writing down my small successes (e.g. writing my first unit test, first deploy to master) helped me to keep some perspective regarding my learning process and be proud of my achievements.

For the record, you can be proud of something while you can still improve. The one doesn't rule out the other. So please allow yourself to be proud! You deserve it.

Concluding 🤔

In the end, this article has become a more 'mindful' article than expected. But I am glad it did. Because that means I can apply these techniques in other situations as well.

Feel free to share your experiences on getting started as as junior dev 😄!

Hello Dev World!

Kimono90 — Thu, 27 Feb 2020 18:49:23 +0000

Hi everyone!

With this first post i'd like to elaborate a bit on how I got into coding and get to know the community a bit better 😄. I'm looking forward to being inspired and I strive to inspire others!

The start of my working-life

When I finished my education 'Facility Management'(BBA) the job market was in crisis. So instead of looking for a job in my field, I started looking for a job on my 'education level'. With this broader search I got my first job as a Content Analyst at a software company (which builds chatbot software). It was my task to analyze the questions people asked the client's chatbots and improve recognition for them. This was my first step towards the Tech community and I am very grateful for this.

After a few years of experience I became an internal trainer in the software (for new employees). Eventually I noticed I drifted away a bit from actually working with the software on a daily basis. So I decided it was time for a new challenge. So I ended up as a Support Specialist at my current employer. Here I was able to gain some more technical skills, like SQL and working with databases. I also had a lot of freedom in setting up the support process since I am the only one in that role.

Working closer to a development team

In my first job I worked with developers now and then, when I needed to troubleshoot issues, but not in such a way I was close enough to experience their working process. This all changed once I was hired at my current employer. This was my first time working in an Agile environment and I have to admit it was quite the change for me. At the beginning it felt like all my current knowledge of working processes was worthless (or even taboo). However, I managed to smooth into it eventually! Looking back, I now see my experience in both worlds (Agile and non-agile) as an advantage. And in the end you see that there's a common denominator in all ways of working: good communication.

Falling in love with coding

The first time I got acquainted with coding (besides knowing some really basic HTML) was through a Beginner Python workshop, which a colleague facilitated at the time. This inspired me to follow a YouTube course on Python and start doing some assignments by myself.

Even though I am a real beginner when it comes to coding, I notice it sparks my enthusiasm every time. If someone would ask me why? I'd say because there are endless opportunities of creation within your reach (as long as you give yourself time to learn it).

To give some context of what I mean: I have always loved computer games that you 'cannot finish'. This gives me a feeling of creativity and freedom. I can basically do whatever I want in that digital world. If I want to build a train track around the entire island in this fictional world, then I can (and I did). Do I want to level up fast or do side-quests? That's up to me. I'm not quickly bored in these type of games since I found there's always something to do next (at least in my mind). The coding assignments/projects I did so far gave me the same feeling and that's what makes it awesome in my eyes.

Next to this my support work also helped me decide I love creating/troubleshooting stuff myself more than coordinating others to do it for me.

What's up next?

I'm blessed with my current employer, since they opened up the opportunity for me to transform my enthusiasm to an actual developer role in a team!

I'm currently learning C#, since that's the language the teams at my current employer work a lot with. And to apply what I have learned so far I started building a CLI Tamagotchi (which is nearly finished, whoohoo! ❤️).

After I gain some more C# experience. I would like to take a look at JavaScript/TypeScript too. At least to familiarize myself with the fundamentals.

I realize there is still a looooot to learn for me to get up and running as a (junior) Developer, but I'm very excited to take on this challenge.

I'm curious about your stories 😄 How did you get into coding? And why?