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Nevertheless, Molossus Spondee Coded

mspondee profile image Molossus Spondee ・2 min read

be me
be born in Vancouver
high cost of living
dirt poor
second son of the family
my dad was a failed starving artist
my mother worked at data entry at a bank
she was fat with a broken back
and at home they didn't do much but eat and watch TV
I mostly grew up alone on books and the computer
at school I was never really bullied
I'd come home and my parents would ask
Were you bullied today at school?
Nothing happened at school
I just hid behind the back at lunch and did nothing
all of my life just nothing
I got a job below my skills and paid my way through college
but the rage ate away at me
I would walk along the streets for hours
just walking away the rage
I had violent and suicidal and sexual and jealous thoughts
I began to suffer at college
I sat in a haze at the library through exams for courses I hadn't been to all semester
but I pushed through
I got an Associate's Degree in CS
I worked part time 10 hours a week
are a job that didn't really use my skills
at night I would feel like I was choking on the smell of burning garbage
so I would go for long walks
I started writing poetry
just sitting at the library and writing poetry all day
I developed weird pains through out my body
I always had body issues
and when I was 24 I got badly sunburned
I freaked out and went to the emergency room
fully convinced I was dying of skin cancer
I kept going on in a fog
in pain and suicidal everyday
I was convinced my face was swelling up oddly
it was round about a year after that
I began meditating
and it really saved my life
I became really accomplished
I meditated a lot
I had to because I was in so much pain
but soon the choking rage came back
eventually I bought a skirt
and it was when I put it on I had to admit I was trans

There's no conclusion here except maybe things didn't have to be like this and you don't really know what handicaps people are struggling with just by looking at their skin or apparent gender and I don't really believe in bad guys and punishment anymore. When you've been to that point where you're a danger to yourself and others you know it's already punishment enough.

Things are getting better. I'm working more. I hope I'll be able to get a job making real use of my coding skills eventually.

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