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Discussion on: Your Loudest Engineer is Not a Genius

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nske profile image
nske • Edited

Well written. But just like the traits that you describe are problematic, the traits of being quiet, not assertive, fearing confrontation, etc are also problematic in their own way. And in many cases they create a vacuum that begs to be filled by the loud ones.

There's an art of making the other person having to deal with what you have to say based on its merits alone. Sometimes it might involve craftily turning the disagreement into a public (team) debate and asking everyone directly to express their opinion based on your arguments. Often people who are quiet and just don't bother getting involved will jump to the opportunity of voicing their thoughts when asked. Some other times it might involve going the extra mile, spending a few evenings and backing your opinion up with such a well-written, detailed, heavy-on-facts and solid on reasoning research that it just can't be casually dismissed.

Another important point is to give the person you think might be a loud arrogant sod the chance to prove they are not. I'd hazard a guess that most people that come out as arrogant assholes have a side that it's not like that! But it takes calm, honest, respectful eye-to-eye interaction to bring it out of them.

The important part in a disagreement is to totally move the framework from what YOU think and what THEY think, to "let's talk about the concerns at hand, as we both want the same thing". Who is right and who is wrong at any specific point stops being perceived as consequential when the discussion is such that only promotes the best solution.

But there are also things that can make achieving the above easier or harder

  • Don't act passive-aggressive towards them in general. Say the same things directly to them that you say behind their backs.
  • Be generous in your compliments, vocally and genuinely expressing your agreement and support for the things that you think they do right.
  • Try not to stick to the manner that they convey their message, just do your best to unpack its content, asking them to clarify the points you are having troubles with. Everything else that accompanies it (abruptness, sarcasm, irony, indirect insult, whatever) is a distraction to be ignored.
  • Be as open to changing your mind as you'd like the other person to be, regardless whether they seem to be or not.

Perhaps I have just been lucky, but so far the above approach never failed me.