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Discussion on: Hi, I'm TheWellSpokenDev, #AMA!

jonw profile image

What a great write-up, and all that just for me! You really do care. You are the essence of You make the community here. I read every word, and every word is great advice. I respond to all parts of your write-up. You make a home to me (and many others). I will return the favor for you forever. (Honestly, should have a badge for real caring people like you.)

Do you live with your significant other? ... Separating yourself from this family is going to be key to rebuilding your life.

Yes. I actually recently (for the first time) mentioned I wanted to see other people (as friends, not for dating). That was when the current spate of abuse started. The separation (of 3 weeks now) has actually given me much peace and consolidation. She's not a bad person, just a childish and compulsive person. She might not actually be realizing her bad now; she thinks she's punishing me now. is a fantastic place to find thousands of small pockets of individuals who share your interests where you can find safe places to share ideas

Found a group there. Learning Japanese formally finally, up to grad school use language proficiency. I will speak like an educated Japanese, finally.

make sure they are aware that your home is your personal space and they have no right to it until they are paying the bills ... if you are primarily responsible for paying the bills, you need to lay down some rules

We share the house.

With my father (another house), it was hell. I paid for the house, he abused me until he drove me out of the house. He had no right to it, but hell, his judicial system said he "wrote the book on math and logic" and I was plain wrong at every argument. I gave him the house, and cut ties. I did upgrade his front door security last year, but I stayed far far away throughout. He did pretend to be kind then, maybe cos he knew I wasn't actually gonna move back in.

Make sure your finances are completely separate.


Stop attending every family function that comes up.

For her immediate family, they actually almost stopped attending every extended family function. George's outburst and "hanging threat to expose me as a freeloader" had caused his parents constant consternation whenever family functions come up. They were never sure when I would accidentally reveal George's embarrassing outburst. That fear undoubtedly perpetuated their abuse of me, though.

you need to be prepared to have answers to some difficult questions that you're inevitably going to face ... journaling in the simplest form

Her immediate family and I had an account on Atlassian Confluence for a knowledge base. Even if it isn't active now, I still have a downloaded export of the entire knowledge base. I'm an open book to them. I guess maybe that's why they're still treating me like an enemy. I wonder if they will become more friendly if I assured them I destroyed all evidence of their squabbles and infractions (and if I then actually did destroy all evidence).

try,, or even has great small and large developer groups

I'll try,, etc. But I doubt it will take less than 4 years to build up a client base from scratch. Publishing some books on might help. seems to only conduct lectures and workshops, and not provide job opportunities. I'll still try networking there.

But believe me, Singapore is not the place for geeking out about technology competencies. I teach in local universities here, and students always ask me how they can become a CTO (or worse, CEO). They complain when I raise the curriculum to industry standard (dean said to lower it back down to "match student needs"). Newly minted engineers spend their office hours reading at their office desks --- "How to be a better CEO".

I want to code, I want to create. I don't want to flash a badge and make money by damaging young minds.

You could try an Artificial Intelligence group

I teach math (stats too) and algorithms. :-) I've done work on AI for years now, ranging from heuristics (near-optimality) to machine learning (classical training). I did say that Singapore is in awe and fear whenever they see folks doing technology work. Did I? Well, that's the fact here.

Try a hackathon! Devpost

Only for students. Need to be a registered student at some school here. Not sure why they need to ensure professional coders don't get into hackathons.

The general resolution presented here is you need to get out of the house and surround yourself with people who understand you ... build a world for yourself aside from your relationship.

Well, you are it. You're my world now. Thanks so much for writing up all that. I feel very cared for. You may not think much of your write-up, but it's a vital life-saver. It tells me that there's another human who also needs me to affirm defensive techniques against bullying. Together, we will find and practice effective defences against bullying.

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thewellspokendev profile image
The Well Spoken Dev Ask Me Anything

You should DM me, I have a very interesting (and challenging......) project for you if you're interested. Cheers 😊

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jonw profile image

@thewellspokendev How do I DM someone on

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thewellspokendev profile image
The Well Spoken Dev Ask Me Anything

You have to follow me first 😎
Then try clicking on the paper plane and see if you can find me...