I’m done. I’m out. I’ve spent the last 48 hours debugging a "critical" issue that turned out to be a missing semicolon in a config file written by a guy who left the company in 2014 to "find himself" in Bali.
I’ve decided to quit tech and become a goat farmer. And honestly? The transition plan is already looking more stable than our current microservices architecture.
1 Goats are Honest When a goat is unhappy, it headbutts you. It’s direct. It’s transparent. It doesn't send a passive-aggressive Slack message at 9:00 PM saying, "Hey, do you have a sec to look at this?" only to dump a production-level catastrophe on your lap. I’ll take a literal bruise over a "quick sync" any day.
2 No More Version Control for Life If I buy a bucket for the goats, that bucket doesn't need an update three weeks later that breaks the handle and requires a specialized "Bucket Migration Tool." If the bucket has a hole, I see the hole. I don't have to check the logs to find out the bucket is "conceptually leaking" because of a dependency conflict with the shovel.
3 The Stack is Simple My new tech stack is: Dirt, Grass, and Water.
Dirt: Never goes down.
Grass: Auto-scales based on sunlight (true serverless).
Water: Zero latency. If the grass stops growing, I don't need to hop on a "War Room" call with fifteen people who don't know what grass is. I just wait for rain.
4 "Legacy" Actually Means Something In farming, "Legacy" is a sturdy barn built by your grandfather that still holds hay. In dev, "Legacy" is a terrifying pile of spaghetti code that everyone is too afraid to delete because it’s the only thing keeping the billing system from exploding. I’d rather shovel actual manure than dig through a 5,000-line utils.js file one more time.
5 No On-Call Rotation What’s the worst-case scenario at 3:00 AM? A goat got out? Fine. I’ll go get the goat. It’s a physical object in 3D space. It isn't a "phantom bug" that only reproduces when the server load is exactly 74% and the moon is in gibbous phase.
// Current Life
while(isAlive) {
try {
solveInfiniteProblems();
} catch (BurnoutException e) {
drinkMoreCoffee();
}
}
// Future Life
while(isAlive) {
feedGoats();
napInSun();
// No catch block needed because nature doesn't throw errors, it just exists.
}
So, if you need me, don't Tag me on GitHub. Don't @ me on X. Just look for the guy in overalls standing in a field, looking at a goat with a level of respect I have never felt for a React component.
Stay sane, or buy a farm.
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