Being in love with a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) victim is like walking on a tightrope. It is possible that one moment everything is okay and the next all the feelings run out of control. Quite often, this erratic trend may exhaust, bewilder and leave many families and partners confused about what to do to assist without losing their emotional equilibrium.
Arnold Yates, who wrote the book on the topic of Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide to Supporting a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder is no exception to this predicament. His book provides viable advice to people who attempt to help a partner, friend, or a family member with BPD but would want to preserve their own peace of mind at the same time.
Realizing the BPD Relationship Reality
The Cleveland Clinic indicates that one point four percent of adults in the U.S. have BPD. However, due to the misunderstanding or misdiagnosis of the disorder, the actual number might be even greater. The diagnosis of a loved one is not only in the form of a single individual, but a whole network of those who experience emotional ups and downs day to day.
Being with a person with BPD would entail dealing with:
Sudden emotional outbursts
Intense fear of abandonment
Abuse or intimidation in the heat of the argument.
Random changes in between love and hate.
These are events which can really challenge your stability and self-esteem. Yates however tells the readers that the first step towards change is to understand the reason behind these behaviors.
Helping, Not Enabling: A Healthier Future
Yates (2018) offers some of the most straightforward, caring tips in his Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide to Supporting a Loved One with Borderline Personality Disorder about the need to differentiate the approaches toward communication and boundaries.
For example:
Identify triggers: Quite a number of emotional responses are due to intense fears of rejection or loss. Early symptoms can be identified in order to avoid escalation.
Keep your head and stay the same: When your emotions are very strong, you should not keep them in line with your own anger because this will only add to the conflict. Patient responses create credibility and reliability.
Establish strong and gentle limits: Boundaries are no penalty, but the basis of respect.
The book identifies nine effective tips to help a loved one through treatment and demonstrates how not to repeat the most popular mistakes that only make the situation worse like over-reassuring, walking on eggshells, or assuming responsibility for the emotions of another person.
General Advice on Maintaining Your Personal Sanity
The process of helping a BPD patient is emotionally draining. Yates emphasizes that self-care is not a selfish concept, but a necessity. The empathy burnout, anxiety, or depression are faced by many caregivers who neglect themselves.
In the book, the readers are urged to:
Develop their own support structure.
Recognize when to step back
Live to the fact that love does not mean losing yourself.
The style of Yates is both empathetic and realistic and it reminds the readers that even when one loves another person, he should also take care of his own life.
Why This Book Matters
However, compared to most clinical literature on personality disorders, Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide to Supporting a Loved One With Borderline Personality Disorder directly addresses the common masses who live in this world: spouses, parents, siblings, and friends.
It has nothing to do with labels or medical terms. It deals with real life relationships, communication and the bravery to love under adversity.
Did you ever wonder, How should I sustain them without destroying myself? This book is a must-read.
Final Thoughts
Being in love with a BPD does not necessarily involve a life of tension and emotional burnout. Knowledge, patience, and the necessary tools can be used to create a relationship based on empathy and respect for each other.
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