A weird thing happens when you become a developer.
You can go days without anyone needing you in a human way.
Not because people don’t care.
But because work is now async, social life is optional, and “busy” sounds responsible.
You ship PRs. You reply in threads. You keep things moving.
And slowly your life becomes a clean interface.
Functional. Quiet. Empty.
Nobody warns you about the emotional side of remote competence
When you’re good at your job, you become low-maintenance.
You don’t ask for help.
You don’t block anyone.
You don’t cause drama.
You deliver.
From the outside, you look like you’re thriving.
From the inside, it can feel like you’re fading.
Because the truth is:
A lot of developer life can be done without being truly seen.
The “I’m fine” loop
I’ve seen this pattern in myself and in others:
You work a lot because it’s predictable.
You cancel plans because you’re tired.
You feel guilty for canceling, so you avoid reaching out.
You become isolated.
You work more because the silence is loud.
And the scary part is how normal it looks.
It doesn’t look like a crisis.
It looks like productivity.
The day I realized something was off
It hit me on a random weekday.
I had done everything “right”:
exercised
ate okay
shipped code
answered messages
But I couldn’t remember the last time I had laughed with someone in real life.
Not a polite smile. Not a reaction emoji.
Actual laughter.
That’s when it clicked:
You can have a full calendar and still have nobody close.
If you’re reading this and it resonates, try this
Not advice like “join a community” or “go outside.”
Something small and real:
Pick one person you like.
Send a message that doesn’t require a big conversation.
Something like:
“Hey. Random check-in. How are you really?”
Or:
“I realized I’ve been quiet lately. Want to grab a coffee this week?”
It feels stupidly simple.
But it breaks the loop.
Developers are great at systems
So here’s a system that helped me:
I treat friendships like health checks.
Not in a robotic way.
In a “I don’t want to drift away from my own life” way.
Once per week:
one message to a friend
one plan that involves leaving the house
one thing that is not productive
Because if I don’t schedule connection, my default becomes isolation.
Question
Do you ever feel like dev life makes it too easy to disappear?
If you’ve been through it, what actually helped?
Not theory. Not productivity hacks. The real thing.
Top comments (80)
Oh yes, that’s a serious topic! I have quite a lot of online friends and I really value them, and at work I’m a lead, so several (or maybe a dozen?) times a day I get messages and calls like “Sylwia, how does this work?” or “Sylwia, there’s a new bug!”. I also have plenty of friends I can meet on weekends.
What I was missing, though, was that everyday human contact — the kind where you don’t have to sit over a beer and recap the whole last month, but just share what happened yesterday. So I started judo, which I trained for two years, and it was amazing. Unfortunately, injuries forced me to stop, and that was really hard.
That’s how I ended up here, on DEV. It didn’t completely solve my need for frequent in-person contact, but at least now I have a pretty cool blog 😄
I really relate to that difference. Having lots of messages and calls still doesn’t replace the everyday kind of contact where you just share small stuff.
Judo is such a good example too. It’s social without being “let’s schedule a big catch up”. I’m sorry injuries took that away, that’s a brutal loss when it’s your anchor.
DEV is a nice middle ground, but yeah, it’s not quite the same. Have you found any replacement that scratches even part of that itch, like a lighter sport or a weekly class? ☺️
Not yet, and the worst part is that I’ve noticed my at-home workout routine actually works much better for my joints 😅
Haha, yeah that’s the tradeoff.
Home workouts are so much easier to stick to, and if your joints feel better it’s hard to argue with that.
Maybe there’s a middle option, like a weekly class that’s low impact, or even a regular walk with someone. Just enough in person contact without wrecking what’s working physically.
I hope you get well soon!
I get the feeling behind this, but honestly I don’t think this is a developer problem. It’s a modern life problem.
I actually moved from psychology into software engineering, and paradoxically this field feels more social to me. Psychology interactions are structured, bounded, and mostly one-to-one in controlled settings. In tech, collaboration is constant: reviews, design discussions, conversations with stakeholders, shared ownership. A lot...just a lot of meetings
What’s really happening is that modern society has made it possible to function efficiently without needing real presence. Remote interaction, digital communication, and productivity culture let us appear connected while quietly removing friction that used to create human contact by default.
So the risk isn’t coding it’s how easy contemporary life makes passive isolation look like normal adulthood.
Totally fair take. I probably framed it too narrowly as a “developer” thing when it’s really a modern life thing.
And what you said about psychology vs tech is interesting. Tech can be constantly social on paper, but it’s also easy for it to become “interaction without presence” if that makes sense. Lots of coordination, lots of messages, but not much that actually pulls you into a room with people.
I think that’s the part I was trying to get at. The scary bit isn’t isolation as in being alone, it’s how clean and efficient it can look from the outside. You can be productive, responsive, in meetings all day, and still feel like you quietly disappeared from real life.
Curious if you’ve found anything that helps counter that. Like a small habit or constraint that forces actual presence again, not just more communication.
I think something important is that presence doesn’t happen accidentally anymore.
As a naturally introvert and isolated person, modern life makes my default state extremely easy to sustain without noticing the long-term cost.
And as such I think my angle on this is slightly different, because I’m honestly quite comfortable being isolated and would probably work fully remote if I could. So for me it’s less about trying to become more social personally, and more about noticing where small moments of presence can exist inside work itself.
One thing I’ve noticed is that sometimes you can tell a colleague is struggling — not because of a technical problem, but because motivation is low or they’re clearly overwhelmed or stuck in their own rhythm. In those moments, a quick 15-minute call helps far more than another async message. Not to solve anything necessarily, just to reset the human side of collaboration.
Another place where this can happen naturally is retros. They’re already meant to be reflective spaces, but we often make them very structured and productivity-focused. I’ve seen good results when you loosen them slightly — occasionally doing a retro in person with food and drinks..., or adding a section that isn’t about process improvement at all.
In one project I suggested the addition of a “general complaints” section. Anything was allowed — work, coffee quality, commuting, life in general. It sounds trivial, but it gave people permission to be human instead of optimized participants, and the dynamic noticeably improved.
So maybe part of the answer isn’t adding more social obligations, but allowing existing collaboration spaces to carry a bit more humanity.
This is such a good point. Presence really does not happen by accident anymore, especially if your default is to stay in your own lane.
I love the idea of finding small moments of presence inside the work instead of adding more obligations outside of it. A quick call to reset the human side can be way more effective than another async message.
And the general complaints section is honestly brilliant. It sounds silly on paper, but it gives people permission to drop the optimized mask for a minute.
Have you found any simple way to make that kind of thing stick over time without it turning into a ritual people feel forced to perform.
But I wouldn’t call it objectively superior across all use cases. The right model depends on the job. That’s why parallel testing is important.
It's not just devs, it's modern life in general - they say loneliness is on the rise, I can see why ... your advice is good (I think) :-)
Yeah, exactly. I used “developer” as the frame because it’s my world, but the pattern is way bigger than tech.
And thanks. I’m glad it landed. I’m trying to keep the “advice” part simple on purpose, because the fixes that actually work usually aren’t deep. They’re small constraints that pull you back into real life again.
If you’ve got any habits that help you personally, I’d genuinely love to hear them :)
I guess my "wholesome habit" is to go out for a bicycle ride to enjoy nature - and sometimes I also make connections (mostly fleeting) with people too while doing that ... well that's my way to avoid sitting behind a computer monitor all day every day!
That’s a great habit. Bikes are underrated for this. You get movement, daylight, and your brain actually resets a bit.
And those small random connections matter more than people think. Even if they’re brief.
Do you try to do it daily, or more like a few times a week when you notice you’ve been stuck indoors too long?
Mostly I do it every other day, 4 or 5 times per week, but not all of those are long rides - mostly 1 longer ride per week, where I really like to discover a new area or new trails, and then 3 or 4 shorter 'maintenance' rides (sometimes they're just "utility rides" to do shopping or other chores) ...
P.S. yes I enjoy those small 'random' connections/encounters! And small stuff like little butterflies darting about, trees and wild flowers, sunshine and a blue sky, etc ...
That sounds like a really solid rhythm. The mix of one longer explore ride plus a few smaller maintenance rides is probably what makes it sustainable.
And yeah, those tiny details are the best part. The butterflies and small random encounters do more for my brain than any “productivity” hack.
Do you track the rides at all, or do you keep it intentionally untracked so it stays relaxing.
No I do track them - seeing and tracking the stats is part of the fun! I'm not a performance "zealot", but I do like to see whether I'm properly racking up the kilometers (because that also works as a motivator), and I also want to be able to see (on a map) which places I've visited already - it's absolutely part of the fun!
That makes sense. The stats and the map are a nice kind of motivation, especially if you keep it playful and not obsessive.
I love the idea of tracking it for the exploration history, like a personal visited map.
What do you use for it, Strava or something else.
I'm using Strava - in the beginning I used "MapMyRide", but I always had issues getting MapMyRide to reliably track my rides (a very basic feature), so I switched to Strava after a year - "and never looked back" ;-)
yeah ive been there previously. for me i call it "burnout". because there are so much things to achieve and no progress. it feels so terrible. i got out of it by "letting go"
let go of side projects
let go of too big of goal(s)
and most importantly dont give two F on other opinions.
i go on a beach, brew my own coffee (V60, Siphon etc) to calm my inner mind.
or sometimes get Airbnb on some nice house that has jacuzzi or pool.
it was excruciating years. then i got back on the forgotten goals and restart the journey with better, calmer and clearer mind
I really like how you framed it as letting go. That’s usually the hardest part.
The beach and the coffee ritual sounds like the perfect reset too. When you restarted, what helped you keep the goals small enough to stay calm instead of sliding back into overload?
correct. it is really hard letting go. my mind at the time are a mess.
as a programmer myself. i separate the emotion. at first it made me like a robot. but well. no choice. separating emotion on goals did help me decide to let go.
for the restart part. its the clarity. when things not clear. shorten/make it small.
if the goal is there but its not clear how to achieve those. i do the best small next thing i am capable of
hope this helps 😉
That does help, thanks.
I like the “best small next thing” rule. It’s simple but it works when your head is noisy and everything feels too big.
Do you have any example of what that looks like in practice for you, like one tiny step you default to when you feel stuck.
I truly understand you; your story resonates with me. I have experienced such phases on several occasions, including one that I documented in my article 'Respiration'.
Human connection, the feeling of doing something real, concrete, not just delivering a job well done… it's a mark of sensitivity, and given your articles and your journey, it doesn't surprise me at all.
Thank you Pascal, that really means a lot.
That line about wanting something real and concrete hits. I think that is exactly what I was trying to name, not just loneliness, but the lack of feeling grounded in something tangible.
I will check out Respiration. If you do not mind me asking, what helped you most during that phase, was it a habit, a change in environment, or just time.
Have you tried Sigilla any more? You gave me very good feedback earlier!
Honestly? I've not time to test Sigilla further right now, but I keep it open in a special tab. What helped me in taht moment is friends, time I took for me, writing the article and comments on it, especially @sylwia-lask and @art_light ones. Even one kind word helps.
I really respect your honesty here — taking time for yourself and leaning on supportive people is sometimes the most practical solution to a tough technical block, because burnout kills clarity faster than any bug ever could. And honestly, if even one article or comment helped you regain perspective, that already proves how powerful this community is — I’m truly glad my words could support you even a little.
That makes total sense. And thank you for even keeping it open, no pressure at all.
I am really glad you had friends and space for yourself during that time. Writing it out and getting thoughtful comments can genuinely be a lifeline. And yeah, even one kind word can shift a whole day.
Hope you are doing better these days.
I agree. Burnout kills clarity faster than any bug.
And yeah, that is the nicest part of this community. A single thoughtful comment can do more than a whole productivity plan.
Thanks again for showing up for people like that. It matters.
Thanks for your excellent perspective.
Good.
Take care of yourself!
Developers are like bass-players: nobody hears them, but you notice when they are gone!
Some thrive on remote communication, some need fresh air and regular walks, some need to have dinner with friends... we all are different. Find what makes you feel good because it makes you better.
With so many people and everybody playing their role, being a cog in the machine, no matter if small company or big business, try to stay relevant for yourself. If you cannot name your purpose anymore, look for it and make yourself purposeful! It's tough, it's hard, but it's also not anybody elses obligation to give you that purpose. It may help but eventually you can only make it happen yourself.
It sounds harsh but in reality care about yourself first. This doesn't mean, don't care about others, but how can you be helpful for others? Only if you are good, if your having a vivid mind, if you are strong. Be the best, so others can be!
Friends, that one friend, that one book, that side-project of you, this Dev Community!
The options are endless. Just stop starting, start finishing! :)
thank you for such a thoughtful comment. The bass-player analogy is absolutely brilliant and incredibly accurate. You are completely right that we have to take responsibility for our own purpose and well-being, instead of waiting for someone else to hand it to us.
Your last line, 'stop starting, start finishing', really resonates with me right now. I actually just pushed my side-project, Sigilla, across the finish line and launched it this week after a lot of hard work. I am definitely taking your advice to heart. Thanks for reading and for the great perspective!
That’s a great idea to schedule social interactions! I think those times makes us even more productive when we come back.
After all, we do deep intellectual work everyday, and that requires healthy minds to think clearly.
I usually work in coffee shops or the libraries - not at home. Occasional social interactions happens. Maybe that can be something to consider?
Totally agree. A healthy mind is part of the job, not a nice extra.
Coffee shops and libraries are a great middle ground too. You get out of the house, you feel people around you, but you can still focus.
Do you have a favorite kind of place for deep work, like quiet library corners or busier coffee shops with a bit of noise.
I like a bit of noise as a nice background!
A lot of cafes have work corners where people like me gather. It makes me think I’m not the only one who wants to get out of house even while working from home 🙂
Same here. A little background noise makes it easier to focus, and it just feels more human than sitting alone at home all day.
Those cafe work corners are interesting too. It’s like a low effort community, you don’t have to socialize, but you still feel part of something.
Do you have a go to cafe, or do you rotate depending on mood? 😊
Yes some cafes feel like public living rooms, where it's totally normal to do your own thing, but enjoying some company too :) Some opportunities to catch up with regulars too.
I personally am a coffee drinker, so I enjoy the taste and the aroma! I find myself doing some best work in such atmosphere :)
Thanks for a great reminder to stay connected to people!
Great article, @the_nortern_dev . Cheers. 💯❤
Thanks for the kind words Aaron!
The "I'm fine" loop is painfully accurate. I went through a phase where I realized my most frequent human interaction was the barista saying "same as usual?" — and even that was on autopilot.
What actually broke the cycle for me wasn't scheduling social time (tried that, it felt like another standup). It was getting a coworking desk two days a week. Not for productivity reasons — my home setup is better. But there's something about being physically around people who are also just... working. You overhear conversations, someone asks if you want coffee, you end up chatting about nothing important. That ambient socialization is what remote work quietly deletes.
The other thing: pair programming. Not as a code quality practice, but as an excuse to spend an hour actually talking to another person about something you both care about. Way more natural than forced "social" calls.
'Ambient socialization' is such a perfect way to describe it. That background hum of people just existing and working around you is exactly what remote work quietly deletes, and you are totally right that forcing it into scheduled 'social calls' often just feels like another standup meeting.
Using pair programming as a genuine excuse to just talk and problem-solve together, rather than purely as a code-quality metric, is a brilliant perspective. Thank you for sharing this. It adds a lot of depth to the conversation!"
This hit harder than I expected.
As developers, we optimize everything — systems, workflows, performance — but we rarely optimize for connection. And remote life makes it dangerously easy to look “productive” while slowly isolating yourself.
The line about not remembering the last real laugh… that’s real. I’ve felt that too.
What helped me wasn’t some big life change. Just small intentional things — texting one friend, stepping out for chai, saying yes to one plan even when I didn’t feel like it. It sounds minor, but it keeps you from drifting.
Thanks for writing this. More devs need to talk about this side of the job.
Thank you for reading and sharing your experience. You absolutely nailed it with the observation that we optimize our workflows but completely forget to optimize for connection. It is so easy to mistake being productive for actually being well when working remotely.
Your approach of focusing on small, intentional things like stepping out for a chai or sending a quick text is incredibly smart. It is those tiny, analog moments that keep us grounded and stop the drifting. I am really glad the article resonated with you, and I completely agree that this is a conversation our industry needs to have much more often."
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