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re: [Off Topic] Should a developer marry another developer? What are the chances? VIEW POST

FULL DISCUSSION
 

I should have written this post in another way. I'm newly married and I now wish that I should have married a programmer girl because she would know me better. But even though, who knows?

 

Shared careers aren't the only way to emotionally connect with someone. When I started dating my boyfriend 6 years ago, he was a dev and I was an archivist. I switched fields 2 years ago because the job market for library science is awful in my area, and my boyfriend convinced me to try some online programming tutorials, and I actually liked it and didn't suck at it like I thought I would.

That being said, we still got to know each other really well the first 4 years we were together. We share a lot of interests and introduced each other to hobbies. I got him into anime and LARPing, he got me into fountain pens and tea, and we both were already into board games, video games, table top RPGs, Star Trek, and My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

I don't think I know him any better just because I'm now a dev. While it's nice to have someone around to help me debug, I think it's just another shared interest. We don't spend that much time talking about programming; we connect more over our hobbies and common beliefs.

Do you have any other shared interests/hobbies with your wife? Try connecting with those. Do your personalities mesh? Do you have similar world views? I think these things are a lot more important than whether she knows why the undocumented legacy code you've been working on is awful and ruined your day.

 

It is pretty natural to play the "what if" game. There is always something that you wish was different about the other person. Focusing on what's missing leads to a bad place. (And anyway, I don't believe marrying a dev would have any better guarantees as my post above says.) Instead focus on the things you are thankful for about that person and you will have a much better experience.

 

That's a very honest thing to say!

But the grass is always greener on the other side. There would be issues no matter what. I think "knowing" someone goes deeper than your career, education or hobbies. You should look to make it work. Show an interest in her activities and develop a good partnership.

Occasionally check in with one another to see if there were any missed moments of connection, where one of you failed to show an interest in something the other was doing, and then talk about how you can make the moment more pleasant next time.

I'd recommend the book Don't Sweat the Small Stuff to help manage some of these feelings.

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