Thank you for this article, it's very timely for me. Connecting while both parties are in pain is one of the hardest things for me to do. It's good to hear that it's possible to learn how to do that.
I have a question regarding this part:
"This may sound impossible, and when you try it, it may feel impossible. You will have to put aside your own pain, hurt, defensiveness, and shame. You will have to step aside from whatever horrible thing the other person just said to you, and instead, ask them, "how do you feel right now? How did my actions/words make you feel?", and you have to MEAN it. You can't try this as a way to just get out of an argument, you have to truly care."
When I am hurting, this seems indeed impossible. I know I'm supposed to truly mean it when I ask "how do you feel right now?", but I am usually stuck in my own pain from the things the other person said. How do you practice to actually mean it and care for the other person, when really you just don't want to be hurting anymore?
Do you fake it until you make it? What advice do you have on how to overcome the selfishness in the beginning until you've learned how to truly care about the other person even when you yourself are hurt?
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Thank you for this article, it's very timely for me. Connecting while both parties are in pain is one of the hardest things for me to do. It's good to hear that it's possible to learn how to do that.
I have a question regarding this part:
"This may sound impossible, and when you try it, it may feel impossible. You will have to put aside your own pain, hurt, defensiveness, and shame. You will have to step aside from whatever horrible thing the other person just said to you, and instead, ask them, "how do you feel right now? How did my actions/words make you feel?", and you have to MEAN it. You can't try this as a way to just get out of an argument, you have to truly care."
When I am hurting, this seems indeed impossible. I know I'm supposed to truly mean it when I ask "how do you feel right now?", but I am usually stuck in my own pain from the things the other person said. How do you practice to actually mean it and care for the other person, when really you just don't want to be hurting anymore?
Do you fake it until you make it? What advice do you have on how to overcome the selfishness in the beginning until you've learned how to truly care about the other person even when you yourself are hurt?