Must...keep...positive...

I remember having a conversation with my aunt many years ago.

She told me that as a teenager she once looked at herself in the mirror, noticed her scrawny limbs, cat-eye glasses, her teeth that seemed a little too big for her mouth, and a variety of other physical attributes that made her feel different from the other kids at school. She looked herself up & down and announced to her reflection, “Well, you better start working on your personality!”

My aunt is a lovely person, but she has never achieved any grand sophisticated acclaim. She's never had a flashy job, a fancy car, or money to flaunt. However, she has ALWAYS had a great sense of humor! She's always made other people feel important, been there to offer some helpful advice or just listen. She tells great stories, she carries an aura of happiness that reaches out to anyone within a 15-foot radius, and she successfully creates a bubble of serenity that encompasses her home and garden.

From her example, I have also tried to build a good and positive personality. Hoping that it might be the propellant that could carry me along through life.

During my first job out of college, I worked hard to overcome all the anxious feelings that plagued me when meeting new people and doing new things. I very slowly got past a lot of the anxiety that I felt, and I started to make real connections and friendships with the people that I was lucky to work with. When my job evolved into working on construction projects, I faced more nervousness and feelings of being ill-qualified to run a large project. I decided to do my absolute best to know the project plans and specifications, but to focus more on treating everyone on that project with great respect. I tried to remember people's names, greeted workers with my terrible Spanish language skills (which seemed to be quite entertaining for them) ,and worked on being an encouraging force for the successful completion of any project I was given.

I found that my personality did carry me along! I was not the best person 'on paper' for those jobs. I was inexperienced and had to regularly fight off feelings of insecurity, but I found that my personality did truly carry me along!

Starting over, and entering a new world of technology has been a challenge. And after my most recent setback, I am starting to question myself.

I know that I am not the most qualified, I know that I am slow, and I know that I ask a lot of questions. I kept hoping that one of my job interviews would end with, “Okay, she’s not the best candidate, but we see her potential and she was delightful to talk to… let’s give her a chance.” Unfortunately, I have found that my personality and positivity aren’t serving me as I’d hoped. Most jobs have hundreds of applicants, and I am never going to be in the top 10.

At what point do you decide to change your life plans? You know...try to make it as a “Van Life” Instagram-er, finish that novel you started years ago, or just get a job… ANY job, just to have health insurance again. I knew that this process would be hard, but I didn’t know that it would be so emotionally exhausting.

Now, to finish off this blog post I would like to write a letter to my future self:

Dear future Lisa,

How are you?
Did you have a good summer?
Did you end up adopting a cat as you’d hoped?
Did you ride your bike more? Sit on the beach more?
Did you have more meaningful conversations with the people that matter most in your life?
Are you ready for that half marathon?
Are you happy?

btw, I am not going to ask about your job hunt, because that doesn’t amount to any true and authentic happiness in your life.

Wishing you all the best!
With love,
Past Lisa