It is astonishingly powerful to see the effect of putting myself under a spell.
Exactly what I have to do!
Rather paradoxically, the magic effect appears when I am not consciously thinking what I have to do. Be it for others or myself I have never been able to change that. Personality was mostly set by genes and our environmental factors and I am strongly sceptical. It does not
seem likely I could change or transform my attitude to any expectations. Even if it were on the cards - would it be necessary?
I feel successful with contentment in doing the very thing I do. Actually, feeling a bit awkward, perhaps even shy I admit that the nature of this effect is to feel good whatever the task I undertake may be. In short I think my undertakings into
being pleasant, interesting and exciting. I am now sufficiently old to see the Work as interesting, it has been the one and only key to achieving anything I have, so far.
Before now, I only had an intuition about this and a few years ago this insight of introspection bore a reasearch-based confirmation.
The view got clear! This was a good and pleasant moment of recognising a
pattern - almost an AHA! moment, as I started thinking that there are others who get it.
It is my fate then, to be a rebel and two roads appear for me now: to be a wizard who puts all his power into the works. Continuing through nights and for days at a time and napping and meditating to sustain this work. Or to live as a bohemic, an artist. Either path taken removes forever a chance to live in the world of expectations. The ego of me or of another person matters little from this point on. Neither the lack of will or of fine-tuned self-consciousness matter.
For I am driven by another drive. I still admire their labours and achievements, however that is not the way I have taken. I am not a breaker or wrecker of a system, nor a teenage rebel with much spirit and little recourse - instead I have a toolset of superpowers.
Among others I have flexibility, insightfulness, creativity and slew of
creative solutions. Where others look haplessly for answers from each other - I get them by the dozens.
When there are two paths I choose both - I explore the territories, in art for serenity and in programming to solve problems.
O I like that, at least in abstract, this way I can remain free even when I face a shortcome of opportunities.
To others it may appear silly I lack the powers to perform routines and to complete habits, to keep to the process and the carry on as usual, to be of "benefit" to others - because after all that is what is expected. All of which I would need to do to fulfill the accepted dreams. Rather bluntly put: These are not my concerns anymore.
Although there is, admittedly, a bit of a superiority complex at work when I see that others lack the faculties for inventiveness - I have come to accept myself as I am.
They have their ways and what they have created is an enormous achievement!
States, empires, cultures, conglomerates...
At times I am even in awe of this grind they get into. For they are the
ones who labour to manifest the wonders of science, tech, engineering. Even when the wizards have created the works underlying these manifestations.
Sure, there were difficulties in the work of self-discovery and I was, in the beginning, rather mistakenly thinking that I was looking for my particular dream and path in life, to find myself a way to make me agreeable for the system to put in my ante, perhaps to found a system of my own or to learn to know the system of life. None of these paths was suitable for me. Instead I liked doing what I enjoyed!
There was another major stumbling block.
To have an autotelic personality - to be driven by the joy of flow carries a danger. The pleasure may blind the miraculous work and become the sole focus of attention. Flow can be addictive. An addiction can appear like a flow.
To help out here, at the point where the Apollonic principle crosses arms with the Dionysian
principle to create a stormy dance - I need breaks, inner stillness and serene rests to recuperate for the next dance.
I apply the enjoyment of thinking to creative endeavors - I
code, I write poetry, I paint, I journal. Creativity is the solution I have. Serenity is the essential power to sustain it.
Now I have a way off the path that I like to take. Acting in this way I am formless and flexible to assume the shape I need to be in - to be in a flow and movement, I am in a pursuit of creative enjoyments. I know that I need rest and meditation if I do not find enjoyment or if I fail to create flow.
If you recognise yourself in this story, and you can relate to it, I hope that your trials were lighter... and your enjoyments and works ever brighter! Do keep mindfully aware of the persistent need to transform tasks into enjoyable ones.
Cast a continuous spell on yourself! Know yourself and feel good!