I sat across from a senior developer at a meetup last month. We were talking about career growth, burnout, the usual stuff. Then he said something that was one of those 'mind-blown' moments:
"Soft skills are actually hard skills for me."
He wasn't joking. He got a degree in CS, studied for years, was developing for 20+ years...but soft skills? They were actually hard for him.
Here's what nobody tells you: the skills we call "soft" are often the hardest to master.
🎖️ The Army Got It Backwards
Rob Baker uncovered something wild: the terms "hard" and "soft" skills came from the 1950s U.S. Army. "Hard" meant weapons and machinery. "Soft" meant everything involving humans—leadership, communication, strategy.
The irony? They had it backwards.
Technical problems are complicated. Many moving parts, sure—but reproducible. You can Google "React useEffect cleanup," find a pattern, apply it. Stack Overflow has 23 million answers waiting for you.
Human problems are complex: every person is different, every team has different dynamics. You can't copy-paste trust, you can't Stack Overflow your way through conflict.
That's why giving constructive feedback to one teammate works beautifully—and the exact same approach makes another shut down completely.
📚 The "Soft Skills" We Actually Struggle With
Let me be honest about my own journey. I learned TypeScript generics faster than I learned how to say "I disagree" in a meeting without my voice shaking.
Here's what tripped me up (and still does sometimes):
- Giving feedback without crushing someone's confidence. Early on, I'd either be too blunt ("This code is messy") or too vague ("Maybe we could improve this?"). Finding the middle ground—specific, kind, actionable—took years, not weeks.
- Receiving feedback without spiraling. Someone would say "This could be cleaner" and I'd hear "You're a terrible developer." Learning to separate information from identity? That's ongoing work.
- Explaining technical decisions to non-technical people. I could architect a solid solution. But explaining why it mattered in a way product and design could understand? That required a completely different skillset.
- Speaking up when something feels off. I once stayed silent during a toxic project for months because I didn't know how to address it. Technical problems had clear solutions. Interpersonal friction? No clear playbook.
Why Technical Skills Feel Easier
When I wanted to learn Flutter, I had a path: tutorials, documentation, practice projects, Stack Overflow. The feedback loop was immediate. Code works or it doesn't.
When I needed to get better at mentoring? There was no "Mentorship.dev" with interactive exercises. No linter to catch when I was being too directive or not supportive enough.
Technical skills scale through repetition. Once you understand React hooks, you can apply that pattern across projects. Write one good API, you can write another.
Human skills require constant calibration. What worked with my last team might fail with this one. How I mentor someone confident is different from how I support someone struggling with imposter syndrome.
And here's the thing: we're rarely taught these skills explicitly.
Most developers learn communication through trial and error. Through screwing up a code review and watching someone's face fall. Through missing a chance to speak up and regretting it later.
We expect these skills to develop naturally. But they don't—at least not well, and not for everyone.
What Makes Them Actually Hard
I wish someone had told me this earlier: these skills are legitimately difficult because they require things code doesn't.
- Self-awareness. You have to notice your own patterns—like realizing you interrupt people when you're excited, or that you avoid conflict until it explodes.
- Emotional regulation. Staying calm when someone criticizes your work. Not letting frustration leak into your tone during a tense meeting.
- Adaptability. Reading the room. Adjusting your approach mid-conversation. Knowing when to push and when to step back.
- Vulnerability. Admitting you don't know. Asking for help. Saying "I was wrong" or "I need feedback."
That senior dev at the meetup? He wasn't struggling because he was bad at these things. He was struggling because these things are genuinely hard.
🎯 What Actually Helps
Here's what's helped me (and what I wish I'd known earlier):
- Treat soft skills like technical skills. Don't just hope you'll "pick them up." Study them. Practice deliberately. I started using feedback templates, communication frameworks, conflict scripts—the same way I'd learn a new library.
- Create systems for recurring situations. I have a code review checklist. A ticket prep template. A way to structure difficult conversations. Structure doesn't kill authenticity—it supports clarity when your brain is overwhelmed.
- Learn from people who are good at this. I watched teammates who could give feedback that made people excited to improve. I asked questions: "How did you phrase that?" "What made you choose that approach?"
- Reflect regularly. Weekly reviews where I ask: What went well in communication this week? Where did I struggle? What would I do differently? Reflection turns experience into learning.
- Give yourself permission to be imperfect. I still mess up. I still say the wrong thing sometimes. But I'm better than I was a year ago—and that's what matters.
For Engineering Leaders
If you're leading a team, here's what I'd ask you to consider:
- Stop calling them "soft" skills. Call them what they are: essential skills or human skills or even the hard skills. Language shapes how seriously we take them.
- Provide actual training. Not just "be a better communicator" in a performance review. Real training. Workshops. Role-playing. Feedback practice sessions. Resources.
- Model them yourself. Show your team what good feedback looks like. Demonstrate how to navigate conflict. Admit when you're wrong. Your behavior sets the standard.
- Create space for people to practice. Retrospectives aren't just for process—they're for practicing speaking up. Code reviews aren't just for catching bugs—they're for learning how to communicate critique with care.
- Normalize struggle. Make it okay to say "I'm not sure how to approach this conversation" or "I need help with this feedback." If your team thinks they should already know this stuff, they won't ask for help.
The Real Growth Edge
Learning the next framework will make you productive. Learning how to communicate, collaborate, and lead will make you invaluable.
That developer at the meetup? He was right. The soft skills are the hard skills. And that's exactly why they're worth investing in.
Because here's what I've learned: you can replace a developer who knows React. You can't replace a developer who makes the whole team better.
What's one "soft skill" you've struggled with? And what helped you improve—even a little?
Want to dive deeper into building these skills?
I wrote From Hello World to Team Lead for developers navigating the messy reality between junior and leadership—the parts bootcamps don't teach you. It covers the frameworks, templates, and mindset shifts I wish I'd had earlier: how to give feedback that doesn't crush people, build systems that support growth, handle burnout, and lead without a title.
Right now it's 40% off, and 10% of every purchase goes to tech education charities (TechMeUp, SheSharp, GirlCode, HackYourFuture).
Grab your copy here and start applying these ideas tomorrow!
Top comments (1)
This is so true. The longer I’ve been around tech, the more I see that the real challenges aren’t the languages or frameworks — it’s communication, empathy, and the ability to work with other humans.
Technical skills get you in the room, but soft skills are what actually move things forward. Loved the way you framed this!