Listen to yourself in the next meeting.
Sorry, this might be a stupid question.
Sorry to bother you.
This is probably obvious, but.
I only wanted to quickly ask.
We do this constantly, and most of us have no idea we are doing it.
That opening is not politeness. It is a small pre emptive flinch, a way of saying please do not mind that I am taking up room here.
And it does two things you would never choose.
It tells everyone to take you slightly less seriously, before you have even made your point.
And it slowly teaches you that your presence is something that needs an excuse.
Here is what I want you to try. Delete the opening.
Not the courtesy. Keep every bit of the courtesy.
Delete the apology.
Instead of sorry, this is probably a stupid question, just ask the question.
Why does this service own that data?
That is it. Same words minus five. Completely different weight.
Instead of sorry to bother you, try do you have ten minutes today.
Instead of I might be wrong but, try here is what I am seeing.
It will feel strange for a week. It may even feel a little rude, which tells you how used to shrinking you had quietly become.
Then something shifts.
People start responding to you differently, because you handed them something clear to respond to instead of an apology to wave away.
And you begin to believe it yourself, because we absorb our own language far more than we like to admit.
I am not telling you to be arrogant. Arrogance is a different problem, and it is easy enough to spot.
I am telling you that the space you take up in a conversation is not a favour anyone is doing you.
You were hired. You were invited into the room. You have that question for a reason.
Say the thing.
Save your apologies for the times you have actually done something worth apologizing for.
There will be plenty of those, and they will mean far more.
– Asael Shinder
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