Your Mentee Asks You to Be Their Reference

The message is short and a little nervous. I have applied for a role somewhere else and they want two references. Would you be one of them?

Notice first what just happened. Somebody you have been helping for months is leaving, and they have told you before almost anyone else. That is trust. Whatever small pang you feel about losing them from the team, keep it out of your reply. Congratulate them first and decide the rest afterwards.

Then be honest about what you can actually vouch for. A reference is only useful if it is specific, and you can only be specific about what you have seen. If you mentored them from another team and never saw their code in production, say so to them now, not to the hiring manager later. I can speak well to how you learn and how you handle a hard conversation. I cannot speak to your day to day delivery. Most people are grateful for that clarity, and some will ask their lead to cover the other part.

If you can say yes properly, prepare like you would for any conversation that matters to someone else. Ask for the job advert. Ask what they most want the new company to hear, and what they worry the company might doubt. Then find two or three concrete stories that answer those worries. The time they took over a failing migration and wrote the plan everyone followed. The review where they changed their mind in public. Hiring managers hear generous adjectives all day. They remember one clear example.

Be truthful when the questions get sharper. What would they need help with? Answer it, briefly and kindly. A reference that admits one real area for growth is believed. A reference that admits none is quietly discounted.

Afterwards, tell your mentee roughly what you said. They are about to walk into a negotiation or a first week, and knowing which strengths were described to their new manager helps them start on solid ground.

And if they get the job, keep the door open. The relationship does not end because the employer changed. Some of the best mentoring happens a year later, when they call to ask how you would handle their new boss.

– Asael Shinder