NO THANK YOU

#economics #britishpolitics #capitalism #socialism

I found myself in a dentist’s waiting room that smelt of fluoride and childhood trauma. The receptionist smiled with all the sincerity of a tax audit. Somewhere in the background, a drill whirred – not menacingly, but with the tired resignation of someone who knows this will never end.

“If you don’t stop moaning, I’ll turn this car around!”

Sweden and Norway – the poster children of the polished pamphlet paradise. They parade prosperity wrapped in a knitted scarf of equality, as capitalism politely shakes hands with compassion, like a 1950s marriage balancing on nothing but compromise. Meanwhile, the United Kingdom, a divorcee carrying a box, teeters drunk on nostalgia before tripping over a pothole outside the food bank. From the box falls his belongings, amongst what is his “World’s Best Empire” mug, which tragically smashes on the floor. His ego bruised, he ponders how his achievements as a global leader in finance, education, culture, and in ceremony, are now crumbling under social inequality and chronic underinvestment like a rich tea biscuit that’s been dunked in a cup of tea far too many times.

*Washes hands in imaginary water*

But first, let’s unmask the Nordics before we anoint them as socialist saints. They are no communes of radical redistribution. They are capitalist kingdoms too, but they have the administrator’s password. Taxes, yes, as high as a music teacher, but in return, the people receive dignity dressed as services. World-class healthcare, education, childcare, elder care, robust pensions… not just whispered promises in an election leaflet, but actual tangible things that exist. And because what they receive is not a ruse, but reality, they trust their governments – a foreign concept to the British, who regularly see their politicians accompanied by someone behind them dressed as the Monopoly man, rubbing their hands together whilst grinning insanely like they’ve just discovered that money is something you can ‘print’.

Also, unlike the UK, welfare isn’t just for the poor – it’s for everyone. This universal approach avoids stigma, builds public support, and fosters social cohesion.

The UK isn’t completely failing, whilst its justification for puffing its chest out has expired, it excels in areas the Nordics can’t match. London remains a top-tier financial hub, drawing investment, whilst respected universities draw in talent, feeding into its thriving start-up scene. British music, film, literature, and media dominate the global stage. And with a vast diplomatic network, and historical ties around the globe, the UK still punches well above its weight.

However, despite its global strengths, the UK faces systemic problems – many self-inflicted. The NHS like a reheated meal, Councils like a sat-nav in airplane mode, police picking apples without a ladder, and teachers stand helplessly on the coast of glowing screens, as landlords dust off their pre-19th century thrones.

Like a fly with its wings stuck in honey, there is something seductively philosophical about building the perfect economical system. But in the meantime, the UK would benefit from copying some of the answers from their neighbours’ sheets. Such as progressive taxation, decentralised power, and proportional representation.

But most improvements can be as easy as just doing what ‘feels right’.

You do remember what right is?

Hold out hands, thumbs stretched.

See the hand where the fingers and thumb make an “L” shape?

Yeah, the opposite of that is right, but I mean the ‘other’ right, as in: morally good, justified, or acceptable. So, put your hands down, you look silly and people are looking.

Basically, if a landlord with a property portfolio of half the country, or a CEO of ‘Evil Corp’ is lobbying out of the ‘goodness of their heart’. – just say,

“No thank you”

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