On my way home from work recently, a thought suddenly came to me. What did I do for someone today? I did code reviews, listened to a junior's concerns, and bought the bread my wife likes on the way home. And I came to think that each of those things was ultimately love.
When people hear the word love, most think of the feelings between lovers. That passionate emotion depicted in movies and dramas. But having worked for nearly 20 years and been married for over 10, I've come to think that love isn't something so grand.
I want to define love like this: willingly spending time for someone else.
Think about it—there's no resource as equal yet finite as time. Everyone has 24 hours in a day, and that time doesn't come back. Spending such precious time on someone—isn't that the most honest expression of love?
When a junior at work comes to me stuck on something, honestly, sometimes it's bothersome. I have my own work to do. But going beyond that annoyance to think together for 30 minutes or an hour—that's love for colleagues, I think. I'm not just saying something from a book somewhere. It's really true.
It's the same with my wife. Early in our marriage, I thought I needed to do grand events for every anniversary. Expensive restaurants, surprise gifts, those kinds of things. But 10 years later, what my wife really appreciates isn't that. Going for walks together even when tired after work, making a cup of coffee on weekend mornings, listening to her talk until the end. Ultimately, it was spending time together.
Of course, just spending time doesn't automatically become love. If you're reluctantly sitting next to someone while looking at your phone, that's not spending time. I think real love is being completely present with the other person during that time. Making eye contact, listening to their words, responding.
Love for work is the same context. As a developer, spending hours thinking about how to write good code, reading books and studying for better design—isn't that also a kind of love? If you were only working for money, that time wouldn't become so serious.
But there's something important here: love means giving before receiving.
When I was young, I wanted to be loved. I wanted someone to recognize me, acknowledge me, like me. But as I age, I realize: it's much more comfortable to give love first than to wait to be loved. If you expect, you're bound to be disappointed, and disappointment tends to sour relationships.
It's the same at work. If you work to be recognized, you tire quickly. If you don't get promoted or your performance isn't properly evaluated, resentment builds. But if you work because you want to help colleagues, because you want to make the team better, that itself becomes rewarding. Of course, getting recognition too would be even better.
Looking back, my happiest moments were mostly when I gave something to someone. When a junior solved a problem with my help, when my wife smiles at something small I did for her, when my child hugs me saying it was fun playing together. Those moments accumulate to make life rich.
Love is ultimately the time invested in relationships, being completely present with the other person during that time, and starting by giving rather than receiving, I think.
It doesn't need to be grand. Offering a cup of coffee to a colleague next to you today, making a phone call to check on family—those small things gather to become love. I hope your day today is filled with such small loves.
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