Heidi is a developer advocate at LaunchDarkly. She is passionate about clear communication, humane workplaces, and conference speaking. In her spare time, she sews dresses with pockets.
I'm sorry. It doesn't do any good to say that you shouldn't have to deal with this problem, because you do.
If it's at ALL possible, I play oblivious. Sometimes it's not, and I say, "No, thanks." Making excuses just encourages boundary-free jerks to try a rules-lawyer around them. If they keep it up, go to your manager (not HR). Save any sketchy emails you send or get to a non-work location. If your manager passes the buck, start looking for another job. I know it's hard to believe, but there are less terrible places out there.
And, this is the unfairest of all - Don't trust them. Not your hotel room number, your personal phone, your home address. Don't drink anywhere near work. Almost all bartenders will give you a non-alcoholic drink in a drink glass if you ask.
Find allies. The queer-looking women with bright hair have been playing this game long enough that they can usually help you at an event. (not all of them, but a lot). Find the slacks, the communities, the backchannel communications. I can't tell you where the door to Narnia is for you, but I promise that there is a place you can slip into and get help from other people.
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I'm sorry. It doesn't do any good to say that you shouldn't have to deal with this problem, because you do.
If it's at ALL possible, I play oblivious. Sometimes it's not, and I say, "No, thanks." Making excuses just encourages boundary-free jerks to try a rules-lawyer around them. If they keep it up, go to your manager (not HR). Save any sketchy emails you send or get to a non-work location. If your manager passes the buck, start looking for another job. I know it's hard to believe, but there are less terrible places out there.
And, this is the unfairest of all - Don't trust them. Not your hotel room number, your personal phone, your home address. Don't drink anywhere near work. Almost all bartenders will give you a non-alcoholic drink in a drink glass if you ask.
Find allies. The queer-looking women with bright hair have been playing this game long enough that they can usually help you at an event. (not all of them, but a lot). Find the slacks, the communities, the backchannel communications. I can't tell you where the door to Narnia is for you, but I promise that there is a place you can slip into and get help from other people.