I just finished my 5-hour straight research session, and it's currently 12:51AM when I'm typing these words.
So for background info., I'm a junior-year Data Science major who loves to learn more and have thoughtful conversation about LLMs. The great world of ideas and innovations in this LLMs research community has also fascinated me. And wallowing myself through the NEURIPS 2025 new submission has intrigued me as ever - and I wish this awe can be lengthened as much as possible... But reality hits. And it makes sense that reality hit me like that.
I'm just an unemployed college dude, burdened by a huge expectation to get myself an internship next year, and having no great accomplishments (or anchors) in my hand that I'm proud of showing people. My close friend just got a plane ticket to Chicago for his next interview round for next year intern. A person I don't like shared tons of stories showing off their friends earning internship offers from big companies. A dude from my talent bootcamp posted his re-make of the homework on LinkedIn with tons of interaction - and I know that dude did do it and improved the infra to host GPT-oss. Another dude on LinkedIn - he is from another team of my Algoverse's mentor, and currently a sophomore in Purdue ECE, I think - announced that their paper has just been accepted to NEURIPS workshop; This announcement was reposted by Kevin Zhu; So firstly, he is younger than me, I don't like my mentor, and my team is just shit, I'm sorry but I just felt like I'm inferior. And now, I've been buried myself in this "dream" or maybe "nightmare" because my research proposal has been rejected previously, and I was asked to "work better" on another one. The last 5 hours both make me intrigued, also give me frustration or even sadness.
Then just to add fuel to the fire, my application status seems to have stopped short. I want to achieve what gives me the inspiration, but that "inspiration" only accepts MS or PhD, and people with great publications and are properly taught.
Always. It's always like this. After spending effort, I still think I've tried hard enough ... devoured 5-6 papers? why not 10. Idk. My style is that I want to know more, and keep having more in my reading list. But this is going nowhere. I'm planning to go ask CS577's professor for any ideas - but I think I should have an idea first (to exchange for his ideas, I usually think). And the funny part is that, I'm not even in his class kkk.
If my life is an RL environment and I'm the Agent. The current states are : 3 days til the exam about Real-time Analysis I haven't studied for, 4 hours of sleep, 5 days til the deadline of the RL Assignment for the NTI Talent bootcamp, and 6 days til the deadline for the next research proposal (Mon).
Wish me luck, and I hope to survive til the next 7 days.
T.V.
Top comments (0)