A public service announcement from the VITI Magazine Editorial Board.
Are you currently trapped in a two-hour Change Advisory Board (CAB) meeting? Is your Agile Coach setting up a virtual whiteboard with colorful sticky notes to discuss "synergies" and "bottlenecks"? Are you staring at a 300-page Enterprise Architecture diagram while the production environment is literally on fire?
We hear you. And we have a survival tool for you.
To help the global engineering community survive the daily onslaught of subjective governance, VITI Magazine is proud to present The Official Enterprise Process Theater Bingo Card.
🎯 How to Play:
- Open this article in a hidden tab during your next SAFe PI Planning, CAB, or Tribe Sync meeting.
- Mark a square every time middle management uses one of these defensive mechanisms to avoid implementing actual, deterministic solutions.
- How to Win: When you get four in a row, do NOT shout "Bingo!" Instead, stand up, shout "BIGF!", inform the room that human-driven process theater has been replaced by a deterministic runtime state machine, and confidently leave the meeting.
🏆 THE VITI ENTERPRISE BINGO BOARD
| 🔴 The Delay Tactics | 🟡 The Agile Excuses | 🔵 The Blame Game | 🟢 The VIP Bypasses |
|---|---|---|---|
| "Let's take this offline." (Translation: We are never talking about this again.) | Agile Coach suggests a Retro. (Because feelings fix broken code.) | "Who takes ownership of this?" (Translation: Who can we fire if this fails?) | "I'll take the risk, push it to prod!" (Micro-manager overrides the rules.) |
| "Can we put a ticket in for next sprint?" (The graveyard of good ideas.) | "Let's align in the next PI Planning." (Wait 3 months to change 1 line of code.) | The Watermelon SLA. (The dashboard is green, but the system is bleeding.) | "Can we just bypass the CAB this one time?" (Severity 1 panic mode.) |
| Color-Coded Risk Matrix is presented. (Pure stochastic guessing disguised as math.) | "We need to foster cross-tribe synergies." (We have too many managers and no developers.) | "Is this documented in the TOGAF blueprint?" (No one has read it since 2022.) | "Just add it to the technical debt backlog." (A black hole where code goes to die.) |
| "Let's circle back to this later." (I have no idea what you just said.) | "We are doing Scrum-fall." (Agile terminology, Waterfall bureaucracy.) | "It worked on my machine." (The mating call of the 'Fix-it-in-Prod' developer.) | FREE SPACE: "You're on mute." (The official slogan of the 2020s.) |
🚨 The BIGF Victory Condition
If you successfully call BIGF (Business Impact Governance Framework) during the meeting, you must enforce the victory condition:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this meeting is now deprecated. Compliance and architecture are no longer subjective human discussions. We have implemented Governance as Code. If your parameter (θ) is ≥ 8000, the pipeline opens. If not, the state machine halts in 4 milliseconds. You cannot negotiate with the math. Have a nice day."
Good luck out there, engineers. May your parameters be valid and your state machines deterministic.
just google it: big framework erkki laine
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