I work with pedagogies, teach, write curricula, coach, manage, mentor, consult, speak publicly, polemicize, and sometimes work as a full-stack web developer, architect, ontologist, and more.
When others make comments about you, they are rarely talking about you. You are not present in their tiny prison cells with mirrored walls. They are alone.
They are talking to—and about—themselves. Like a bird with a mirror, they are fighting their own reflection. And often they project their own fear and anger onto you first to create that mirror.
Take yourself out of the equation. Imagine that they are reviewing someone else, not you. Now, look at their review. When you read it, do you think, Wow, this programmer sucks? Or do you think, Wow, this code reviewer is a total asshole?
For each specific comment (and ignore any that aren't specific as they are useless), ask yourself, Is this true or not?
If it is true, then this reviewer did you a favor by providing you with the information you need to improve. Agree that you should do that differently, and then do so, without fuss. Thank them genuinely. Excellent. Win for you. You look good. Smart. Professional. Humble.
Ignore everything else. It's either irrelevant, or not about you. Don't disagree. Don't comment. If it comes up again, change the subject to what you're doing to fix the true criticisms. And how you're making sure they don't reoccur. Maintain the focus. Don't allow yourself to be dragged into a fight. These people live to fight.
So do you need to do anything at all about this jerk? Probably not. If you can overcome your own negative reactions, then you can simply continue calmly and professionally and let your reviewer hang themself. And over time, as they realize (maybe) that they are the one looking bad, perhaps they'll change their own behavior.
If you can't help yourself and simply must say something, then don't do it publicly or you'll just back them further into a corner. Instead, take them aside and tell them that you are sensitive and that their tone and approach feel pretty brutal to you. That makes it about how you feel rather than about how evil they are, and gives them room to be "generous" and take into account your "sensitivity".
Let them think that they have the power. They are rude and brutal because they are insecure and always in fight mode. Imply (don't come right out and say it) that being kinder to you would show how smart and beneficent they are. Make them see that it would be a win for them (as it will). Good luck.
The odds of you changing this person's behavior are slim, so don't get your hopes up. The issues they are wrestling with did not start with you and are unlikely to end with you. But the real damage will be done to themselves. Try empathy.
Finally, I would take an aggressive asshole any day over a passive aggressive one. With the aggressive asshole, the aggression is right out in the open for everyone to see, so it can usually be ignored.
But with a passive aggressive, things look just fine on the surface. They have structured their review such that to a casual observer it will look as if they are deeply committed to helping, and in a kind way.
But you will know instantly that in reality they are patronizing you in the most condescending way, implying that you are too stupid to understand—but don't worry everyone, they are their to help you! What a hero!
If you make the mistake of complaining loudly, then they've got you. They will point out that they never said anything mean, claim they didn't mean it the way you took it, and seize the victim spot—the moral high ground. And that leaves you—the real victim—stuck in the victimizer role. And the more you try to dig yourself out, the deeper you'll dig the hole. You, not they, will be the bad guy.
There doesn't seem to be a cure for this, so maybe euthanasia for passive aggressives? Just sayin'.
Finally, ask yourself, Is this person really being brutal, or just blunt? It is easy to read dark motives into short comments in text. Things always look worse in print. Are they still brutal when you discuss it with them in person? If not, maybe stop worrying about their tone and just consider it part of living with other humans.
For further actions, you may consider blocking this person and/or reporting abuse
We're a place where coders share, stay up-to-date and grow their careers.
When others make comments about you, they are rarely talking about you. You are not present in their tiny prison cells with mirrored walls. They are alone.
They are talking to—and about—themselves. Like a bird with a mirror, they are fighting their own reflection. And often they project their own fear and anger onto you first to create that mirror.
Take yourself out of the equation. Imagine that they are reviewing someone else, not you. Now, look at their review. When you read it, do you think, Wow, this programmer sucks? Or do you think, Wow, this code reviewer is a total asshole?
For each specific comment (and ignore any that aren't specific as they are useless), ask yourself, Is this true or not?
If it is true, then this reviewer did you a favor by providing you with the information you need to improve. Agree that you should do that differently, and then do so, without fuss. Thank them genuinely. Excellent. Win for you. You look good. Smart. Professional. Humble.
Ignore everything else. It's either irrelevant, or not about you. Don't disagree. Don't comment. If it comes up again, change the subject to what you're doing to fix the true criticisms. And how you're making sure they don't reoccur. Maintain the focus. Don't allow yourself to be dragged into a fight. These people live to fight.
So do you need to do anything at all about this jerk? Probably not. If you can overcome your own negative reactions, then you can simply continue calmly and professionally and let your reviewer hang themself. And over time, as they realize (maybe) that they are the one looking bad, perhaps they'll change their own behavior.
If you can't help yourself and simply must say something, then don't do it publicly or you'll just back them further into a corner. Instead, take them aside and tell them that you are sensitive and that their tone and approach feel pretty brutal to you. That makes it about how you feel rather than about how evil they are, and gives them room to be "generous" and take into account your "sensitivity".
Let them think that they have the power. They are rude and brutal because they are insecure and always in fight mode. Imply (don't come right out and say it) that being kinder to you would show how smart and beneficent they are. Make them see that it would be a win for them (as it will). Good luck.
The odds of you changing this person's behavior are slim, so don't get your hopes up. The issues they are wrestling with did not start with you and are unlikely to end with you. But the real damage will be done to themselves. Try empathy.
Finally, I would take an aggressive asshole any day over a passive aggressive one. With the aggressive asshole, the aggression is right out in the open for everyone to see, so it can usually be ignored.
But with a passive aggressive, things look just fine on the surface. They have structured their review such that to a casual observer it will look as if they are deeply committed to helping, and in a kind way.
But you will know instantly that in reality they are patronizing you in the most condescending way, implying that you are too stupid to understand—but don't worry everyone, they are their to help you! What a hero!
If you make the mistake of complaining loudly, then they've got you. They will point out that they never said anything mean, claim they didn't mean it the way you took it, and seize the victim spot—the moral high ground. And that leaves you—the real victim—stuck in the victimizer role. And the more you try to dig yourself out, the deeper you'll dig the hole. You, not they, will be the bad guy.
There doesn't seem to be a cure for this, so maybe euthanasia for passive aggressives? Just sayin'.
Finally, ask yourself, Is this person really being brutal, or just blunt? It is easy to read dark motives into short comments in text. Things always look worse in print. Are they still brutal when you discuss it with them in person? If not, maybe stop worrying about their tone and just consider it part of living with other humans.