It feels like I'm navigating through a thick fog with no compass. I am really feeling lost, unworthy, and like I can't win. Every day feels like a battle, and lately, I've been losing every single one.
A significant part of this weight comes from my career, or the lack thereof. I have been searching for a job for quite a while now, and the process has been soul-crushing. I pour hours into applications, tailoring my resume, and writing cover letters, only to be met with silence or the cold sting of automated rejection emails. It makes me question everything I thought I was good at. I have these skills, this experience, but it feels like none of it matters. I hate that I cannot find a decent job for what I can do.
This professional struggle bleeds into everything else. Neither is life going well. It feels like I'm stuck in place while the world moves on around me. The frustration and disappointment have curdled into a sharp self-loathing. I just very, very dearly hate myself now. It's a constant, nagging voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough, that I'm a failure.
And in the midst of this turmoil, my heart aches with a grief that feels as fresh as ever. What specially bothers me is my mom. She appears in my dreams, vivid and real. For a fleeting moment, she's there, and everything feels okay. Then I wake up, and the emptiness rushes back in, a painful reminder of what I've lost. I miss her the most. Her absence is a void that nothing can fill.
These dreams make me think about my life and my role in it. I wish I was a good enough son. I carry this heavy feeling that I've let her down, that I haven't lived up to the hopes she had for me.
I feel like I've failed at everything—my career, my personal life, my duties as a son. The path forward is completely obscured. I am not sure what I should even do now. The weight of it all is immense.
Even writing this fills my eyes with tears. But maybe, just maybe, putting it into words is a start.
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