"Explain it to me in dev terms."
My social battery has a rate limit.
The world isn't made for introverts: it's configured with extrovert defaults...
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It's taken some time for me to come to terms that introvert socializing is not defective extroverted socializing, and it's perfectly fine to be an aggressive networker who hangs out at the game tables at conferences and skips all the bar events. Maybe you'll miss out on networking with all the people who like bars, but you have an edge connecting with the people who are more like you.
"Introvert socializing is not defective extroverted socializing" -> I'm keeping this one, it took me years to get there too. Honestly yes, I'd much rather have one good conversation about something we both love than ten rounds of small talk (I'm very bad at making small talk). Thank you for this!
The thing that helped me is to stay in one place. By that, I mean joining a club or group of developers and stick to it. That way, you will get to know the community more and people will slowly get to know you as you become more active in a community. For this case for me, its dev.to because not only I blog, but I also comment on other people's posts and learn something new along the way!
Everyone is an introvert, but the thing I learn is we all have extrovert qualities. It doesn't mean we are now extroverts, but we have the necessary characteristics in order to connect with others and making new friends! It's hard for sure, but it is doable in you put your mind into it.
Being self-aware isn't really a burden in the long run, but it may feel like that if you just realize it. Though, it's important to know yourself (which is good for your case) because now you know what you need to do to improve.
Hope you are doing well and still looking forward to some DEV challenges you mentioned in the Welcome thread!
Thank you so much Francis :D I also think we all have some extrovert qualities, just running in the background until we need them, I relate very much to that. And yes, still looking forward to the challenges (I simple didn't have much time to participate in any yet as I've been very busy with job search), see you around there!
I thought i was the only one with a 'rate limit' on my social battery 😂... i personally came to the conclusion that its absolutely okay to be more introverted, when i wanted to, it helps me to focus and do other hobbies. I used to feel bad about being more introverted but as i grew older i think i felt very comfortable with it... and also finding people like me and a community with introverts (who mostly tend to be more extroverted once they are comfortable with you )
Same path here, I used to push myself to be more social and it just left me drained. Accepting it changed a lot. And yes, introverts opening up once they trust you is the best surprise, suddenly I won't stop talking
And that’s all that matters! Glad you figured it out
I'm an introvert too. The feeling of being an outsider is so familiar. Real-life interaction isn't exactly comfortable. But in CS, I'm the most toxic person in the chat)
I think the problem is that everyone has ugly faces, and when you don't see them, it becomes easier to communicate. Our brains are strange
I get that, online, I have... let's say, less filters 😶🌫️. I think it's not only the faces, it's that you can take your time to think before answering. In person the silence feels like pressure, in chat it's just... Like I can plan what to say? Brains are strange indeed
Hi @ikrame-ih! Fellow introvert here!
I definitely know how you feel. Putting ourselves out there is a huge effort for us (impossible for some even). But I managed to get myself out there little by little. I accepted that I am this and what I am currently doing now is forming positive habits like active networking.
Though I ran out of social battery fast, I make sure to at least lend a couple of hours (or more) just simply interacting, posting, commenting, or talking with people daily. I also found out that it was not that bad. I got to meet a lot of great people and great opportunities because of it. So I hope this little experience of mine inspired you to do the best you can to build extrovert habits too. Wishing you the best!
Hi Elmar! I completely agree, and I'm actually doing the same as you. These last few years I've been slowly pushing myself out of my narrow comfort zone, making sure I dedicate at least a small part of my day to connecting with others and sharing what I do. That's honestly one of the reasons I joined dev.to, to find people like me and get into the networking habit. And I'm really glad I did, because I found people like you. Thank you for this!
This hit home. 😄 I really liked the way you described your “social battery” as having a rate limit that’s such a developer way of explaining something that’s actually pretty human.
The part about writing your own manual over the years stood out to me too. I think there’s a lot of value in realizing that being introverted isn’t something that needs to be “fixed.” It’s more about understanding how you work and finding ways to connect with people that don’t completely drain you.
And honestly, the networking point is so relatable. Sometimes you genuinely want to talk to someone, reply to their post, or join a conversation, but that tiny step somehow feels like opening a PR with 47 unresolved comments. 😂
Great read, and I appreciate that you framed introversion as neither a superpower nor a weakness just another way of moving through the world.
The PR with 47 unresolved comments got me, too real. It took me years to stop treating myself like a bug to patch, and honestly, everything got easier after that
I relate to this so much. I’m an introvert too, and sometimes it takes me an embarrassingly long time to work up the nerve to post something, or even leave a comment. 😅 I’ll overthink it way more than I probably need to.
DEV has actually helped me with that a lot though. Most of the time when I do finally put myself out there, the response I get is pretty positive. I still hesitate sometimes, but every good interaction makes the next one a little easier.
I don’t think I’ll ever magically turn into an extrovert, but I’m getting a little better at temporarily borrowing some extrovert energy when I need it.
The overthinking before hitting publish is so real, I rewrote this post more times than I can count because I was trying to not sound too intense 🫥 But you're right: every good interaction makes the next one a little easier, and the response here has been exactly that. "Temporarily borrowing some extrovert energy" is the perfect way to put it. It comes with a bill to pay afterwards, but it's worth it
"Every time I walk out my front door, I carry the reminder with me: this world was built for a group of people that I don't belong to."
Funniest part about this is that it is not some conspiracy or a overwhelming numbers thing. It is just that the social systems of the world are used by extroverts significantly more than introverts almost by definition! Thus shifting their focus over time.
Exactly. It may sound very dramatic, but that's just how it is. And honestly, it doesn't discourage me at all. It's simply something I had to come to terms with at some point and adapt to. My point is, at the end of the day we humans are social creatures: the more social you are, the better your chances to thrive. But that doesn't mean us introverts can't have the same chances, or even more. Thanks for taking the time to read this!
The constant monitoring costing more than the actual conversation, so real. That's your subconscious running threat detection. Your brain has a filter called the RAS, and when a person or a room reads as unsafe it clamps down. That's why you can yap forever once you're comfortable but can't get past the impulse to reply to someone cool. Being an introvert isn't the lock. Feeling unsafe is.
You can't analyze your way out of it either. Your brain is basically a neural network trained on every social experience you've had, and more monitoring is just more of the same data. What changes it is new data.
So start stupid small. Give someone a genuine compliment, in person or on their post. Something you actually noticed. When that's easy, compliment plus a question. Then just conversation. At a hackathon that's telling one person their demo was sick and asking how they built it.
Don't grade how it goes. The action is the win. I used to have crippling social anxiety, took me 4 hours once to talk to one stranger. Stack enough reps and that rate limit gets way higher.
Thank you for this, I needed to read it. Starting stupid small and not grading the result is probably the part I still struggle with most. And the 4 hours story says a lot, it means the reps actually work
Glad it landed. The not-grading part is the hardest for almost everyone, because your brain is wired to score every interaction the second it ends. The trick is to make the rep so small there's nothing to grade, and to do it somewhere that doesn't matter. Tell the barista you like their shirt. Ask the person next to you in line how their day's going. Before you do it, decide the only goal is that you did it. After, you get to say "did it" and nothing else. No replay, no rating.
And don't practice at the hackathon. That's the game. You train everywhere else, so by the time you're in the room your brain already has a pile of proof that talking to people is safe.
So do the reps. Super small, super intentional. I do coach on this if you ever want to speed it up, but honestly, don't even think about that until you've tried the reps yourself first. If you try them and want more help, send me a DM.
The line about monitoring consuming more resources than the interaction itself is painfully accurate. I spent two years forcing myself to go to meetups and the ones where I stopped tracking my own behavior were the only ones that led to actual connections — 3 real contacts from maybe 40 events, all from nights I wasn't trying. The rate limit metaphor works but I'd push it further: it's not just throughput, it's that the monitoring overhead is a separate process eating CPU on the same core.
I relate to this so much. And honestly, I've always preferred keeping just the right amount of people around me anyway, so those 3 out of 40 sound like a perfectly good rate to me.
Interview skills... I suck at them. I wish I had them, because I choke during video call tech assessments on manual code review, because of social anxiety. I can 'spot' the issues, but I cant tell you what's wrong, or why it's wrong, just where it's wrong. During my entire interview phase at Wasmer, that's the single spot I slipped up and I bet you it'll affect the offer they make me.
That "I can spot it but can't say why" feeling usually means some part of you isn't fully sure you know it yet. Two things helped me with that: mock interviews, even awkward ones with a friend, because saying things out loud under mild pressure is a different skill from knowing them, and knowing your own projects from A to Z. Before any interview I go back over the fundamentals of every technology and tool I've used, so I can defend each choice with confidence. Fingers crossed Wasmer saw the spotter instinct in you anyway
bro this is so me, we both are same somewhere twin
yep. sounds normal. but i thought introverts have no battery because i'm somewhat an introv (very lightly tho) and i run on a power generator
Power generator? I would be needing that upgrade 😶🌫️
I feel we have so much in common, what is making it worse for me, that I live in a place with horrible public transport, and I don't know how to drive, AND I work remotely. So I barely see human beings. Then, when my battery full, I take PTO and travel and live in guest house so I can socialize a bit with randoms. And this take time, the sad part that I meet them for short time and go back to home country. Without my software job I wonder how my life would be and if I would become extrovert with time.
Cảm nhận thật. Rate limit của social battery không chỉ là metaphor — nó map 1-1 vào cognitive load. Mỗi meeting không agenda, mỗi "quick sync" kéo dài 45 phút, mỗi lần phải explain context cho người không đọc docs... đều consume token từ context window có hạn của ngày.
Mình thấy hiệu quả nhất là treat social interaction như API calls:
Điều khó nhất không phải limit bản thân, mà là manage expectation của team/manager — họ thường thấy "available" = "free". Đã phải rename calendar block thành "Deep work - Do not schedule" mới thấy giảm được 60% interruption.
Bạn có strategy nào handle "urgent" interruption từ stakeholder non-technical không? — found it via LabAgent, site: labagent .tech