"Explain it to me in dev terms."
My social battery has a rate limit.
The world isn't made for introverts: it's configured with extrovert defaults. I realized that as a teenager, and it completely changed the way I saw everything and interacted with people.
As strange as it sounds, realizing it made me more awkward, not less. Before, I simply talked, stayed quiet, left when I got tired. Then I started analyzing myself in every conversation, and analyzing everyone else too. Maybe that's where my overthinker side began: the constant monitoring consumes more resources than the interaction itself.
Being aware that I'm an introvert has also helped me manage myself much better: I know my rate limit, I know I recharge alone, and I no longer see it as a bug. I came without documentation, so writing my own manual has taken me years.
Every time I walk out my front door, I carry the reminder with me: this world was built for a group of people that I don't belong to.
But wait, this isn't sad or a bad thing. Keep reading, will you?
Even my interactions on social media feel more controlled. Social media is literally the place where you can be the freest version of yourself, and yet I still don't really post, speak up, or join in that much. I behave almost exactly as I do in real life.
And you might be wondering: what does any of this have to do with being a developer? The truth is, the point I wanted to get to is networking. Especially in tech, I keep coming across people who are incredibly talented and just genuinely cool and kind. But I never get much further than the impulse to reply to one of their tweets or add a comment, let alone talk to them directly. And don't even get me started on events like hackathons.
And honestly, I'm not shy. In fact, once I feel comfortable, I might just yappear non-stop about the interests i'm disgustingly well versed in
Don't get me wrong: this isn't a complaint, and I'm not saying I'm uncomfortable being an introvert. Quite the opposite. I've always been someone who prefers to listen and observe, and not step in more than necessary. But I don't know, sometimes introverts get these sudden urges too. Sometimes we want a little while to role-play as extroverts.
I don't know whether finding out was a gift or a burden; I suppose that, like almost everything, it was both at once.
If your config is the same, you already know what I mean.
And now there's a question I would like to throw at you: is there any introvert or extrovert quality you don't have that you wish you did? Which one? Why?
Top comments (30)
It's taken some time for me to come to terms that introvert socializing is not defective extroverted socializing, and it's perfectly fine to be an aggressive networker who hangs out at the game tables at conferences and skips all the bar events. Maybe you'll miss out on networking with all the people who like bars, but you have an edge connecting with the people who are more like you.
"Introvert socializing is not defective extroverted socializing" -> I'm keeping this one, it took me years to get there too. Honestly yes, I'd much rather have one good conversation about something we both love than ten rounds of small talk (I'm very bad at making small talk). Thank you for this!
The thing that helped me is to stay in one place. By that, I mean joining a club or group of developers and stick to it. That way, you will get to know the community more and people will slowly get to know you as you become more active in a community. For this case for me, its dev.to because not only I blog, but I also comment on other people's posts and learn something new along the way!
Everyone is an introvert, but the thing I learn is we all have extrovert qualities. It doesn't mean we are now extroverts, but we have the necessary characteristics in order to connect with others and making new friends! It's hard for sure, but it is doable in you put your mind into it.
Being self-aware isn't really a burden in the long run, but it may feel like that if you just realize it. Though, it's important to know yourself (which is good for your case) because now you know what you need to do to improve.
Hope you are doing well and still looking forward to some DEV challenges you mentioned in the Welcome thread!
Thank you so much Francis :D I also think we all have some extrovert qualities, just running in the background until we need them, I relate very much to that. And yes, still looking forward to the challenges (I simple didn't have much time to participate in any yet as I've been very busy with job search), see you around there!
I thought i was the only one with a 'rate limit' on my social battery 😂... i personally came to the conclusion that its absolutely okay to be more introverted, when i wanted to, it helps me to focus and do other hobbies. I used to feel bad about being more introverted but as i grew older i think i felt very comfortable with it... and also finding people like me and a community with introverts (who mostly tend to be more extroverted once they are comfortable with you )
Same path here, I used to push myself to be more social and it just left me drained. Accepting it changed a lot. And yes, introverts opening up once they trust you is the best surprise, suddenly I won't stop talking
And that’s all that matters! Glad you figured it out
I'm an introvert too. The feeling of being an outsider is so familiar. Real-life interaction isn't exactly comfortable. But in CS, I'm the most toxic person in the chat)
I think the problem is that everyone has ugly faces, and when you don't see them, it becomes easier to communicate. Our brains are strange
I get that, online, I have... let's say, less filters 😶🌫️. I think it's not only the faces, it's that you can take your time to think before answering. In person the silence feels like pressure, in chat it's just... Like I can plan what to say? Brains are strange indeed
Hi @ikrame-ih! Fellow introvert here!
I definitely know how you feel. Putting ourselves out there is a huge effort for us (impossible for some even). But I managed to get myself out there little by little. I accepted that I am this and what I am currently doing now is forming positive habits like active networking.
Though I ran out of social battery fast, I make sure to at least lend a couple of hours (or more) just simply interacting, posting, commenting, or talking with people daily. I also found out that it was not that bad. I got to meet a lot of great people and great opportunities because of it. So I hope this little experience of mine inspired you to do the best you can to build extrovert habits too. Wishing you the best!
Hi Elmar! I completely agree, and I'm actually doing the same as you. These last few years I've been slowly pushing myself out of my narrow comfort zone, making sure I dedicate at least a small part of my day to connecting with others and sharing what I do. That's honestly one of the reasons I joined dev.to, to find people like me and get into the networking habit. And I'm really glad I did, because I found people like you. Thank you for this!
This hit home. 😄 I really liked the way you described your “social battery” as having a rate limit that’s such a developer way of explaining something that’s actually pretty human.
The part about writing your own manual over the years stood out to me too. I think there’s a lot of value in realizing that being introverted isn’t something that needs to be “fixed.” It’s more about understanding how you work and finding ways to connect with people that don’t completely drain you.
And honestly, the networking point is so relatable. Sometimes you genuinely want to talk to someone, reply to their post, or join a conversation, but that tiny step somehow feels like opening a PR with 47 unresolved comments. 😂
Great read, and I appreciate that you framed introversion as neither a superpower nor a weakness just another way of moving through the world.
The PR with 47 unresolved comments got me, too real. It took me years to stop treating myself like a bug to patch, and honestly, everything got easier after that
I relate to this so much. I’m an introvert too, and sometimes it takes me an embarrassingly long time to work up the nerve to post something, or even leave a comment. 😅 I’ll overthink it way more than I probably need to.
DEV has actually helped me with that a lot though. Most of the time when I do finally put myself out there, the response I get is pretty positive. I still hesitate sometimes, but every good interaction makes the next one a little easier.
I don’t think I’ll ever magically turn into an extrovert, but I’m getting a little better at temporarily borrowing some extrovert energy when I need it.
The overthinking before hitting publish is so real, I rewrote this post more times than I can count because I was trying to not sound too intense 🫥 But you're right: every good interaction makes the next one a little easier, and the response here has been exactly that. "Temporarily borrowing some extrovert energy" is the perfect way to put it. It comes with a bill to pay afterwards, but it's worth it
"Every time I walk out my front door, I carry the reminder with me: this world was built for a group of people that I don't belong to."
Funniest part about this is that it is not some conspiracy or a overwhelming numbers thing. It is just that the social systems of the world are used by extroverts significantly more than introverts almost by definition! Thus shifting their focus over time.
Exactly. It may sound very dramatic, but that's just how it is. And honestly, it doesn't discourage me at all. It's simply something I had to come to terms with at some point and adapt to. My point is, at the end of the day we humans are social creatures: the more social you are, the better your chances to thrive. But that doesn't mean us introverts can't have the same chances, or even more. Thanks for taking the time to read this!
The constant monitoring costing more than the actual conversation, so real. That's your subconscious running threat detection. Your brain has a filter called the RAS, and when a person or a room reads as unsafe it clamps down. That's why you can yap forever once you're comfortable but can't get past the impulse to reply to someone cool. Being an introvert isn't the lock. Feeling unsafe is.
You can't analyze your way out of it either. Your brain is basically a neural network trained on every social experience you've had, and more monitoring is just more of the same data. What changes it is new data.
So start stupid small. Give someone a genuine compliment, in person or on their post. Something you actually noticed. When that's easy, compliment plus a question. Then just conversation. At a hackathon that's telling one person their demo was sick and asking how they built it.
Don't grade how it goes. The action is the win. I used to have crippling social anxiety, took me 4 hours once to talk to one stranger. Stack enough reps and that rate limit gets way higher.
Thank you for this, I needed to read it. Starting stupid small and not grading the result is probably the part I still struggle with most. And the 4 hours story says a lot, it means the reps actually work
Glad it landed. The not-grading part is the hardest for almost everyone, because your brain is wired to score every interaction the second it ends. The trick is to make the rep so small there's nothing to grade, and to do it somewhere that doesn't matter. Tell the barista you like their shirt. Ask the person next to you in line how their day's going. Before you do it, decide the only goal is that you did it. After, you get to say "did it" and nothing else. No replay, no rating.
And don't practice at the hackathon. That's the game. You train everywhere else, so by the time you're in the room your brain already has a pile of proof that talking to people is safe.
So do the reps. Super small, super intentional. I do coach on this if you ever want to speed it up, but honestly, don't even think about that until you've tried the reps yourself first. If you try them and want more help, send me a DM.
The line about monitoring consuming more resources than the interaction itself is painfully accurate. I spent two years forcing myself to go to meetups and the ones where I stopped tracking my own behavior were the only ones that led to actual connections — 3 real contacts from maybe 40 events, all from nights I wasn't trying. The rate limit metaphor works but I'd push it further: it's not just throughput, it's that the monitoring overhead is a separate process eating CPU on the same core.
I relate to this so much. And honestly, I've always preferred keeping just the right amount of people around me anyway, so those 3 out of 40 sound like a perfectly good rate to me.
Some comments may only be visible to logged-in visitors. Sign in to view all comments. Some comments have been hidden by the post's author - find out more