My childhood was a constant state of fear and severe physical and mental abuse.
Trigger warning, that ^ ad nauseam.
My mother made no apparent effort to end the cycles of abuse she suffered.
I see her face in my mind as a wide-eyed absent minded look of pure hatred and immediate intent to harm.
I was 33 years old the last time she hit me in the face and chest repeatedly until I could get my arms around her tight enough to repeat "I'm sorry I forgive you."
I hear her voice with the vile glee of schadenfreude when she attempts to manipulate someone against me, humiliate me, or give herself room to breathe from the avalanches of imagined bullshit she seemingly drowns in.
I think it's partially because I looked like my father but I have no idea what trauma causes a mother to express almost exclusively hatred to her oldest child their entire life.
She hasn't used my name once without first deadnaming me and pretending to correct it quickly.
She spilled hatred and contempt onto every question, hope, and dream I dared to speak my whole life.
The moment someone else paid attention and began to notice is the rare glimpse of kindness towards me I'd experience so she could save face.
But I knew better than to take advantage of something she'd hold over me because she already made me feel awful for thinking about it.
"Did you hear that, they said it's okay for you to do ballet with your sister!"
"No, I don't want to."
"I don't know why he's always like this! I guess he doesn't want to! Oh well!"
I have done my absolute best trying to heal from this trail of violence and hatred and especially try to not let anyone experience it from me.
I still have one single trigger, I know what it is, and I think I know what I need to do to end it.
Some of my earliest memories are witnessing my mother yelling and fighting with my birth father.
One night she made sure I knew what cheating meant after he had no choice but to borrow his friend's car to drive home one night during the final split.
I wasn't even in 1st grade yet.
She stormed inside screaming after he kept her from damaging the car and she locked the front door. He begged me through the window to unlock it, I looked towards mom and she was staring at me with pure hatred
"don't you fucking dare touch that door."
I looked back to my father and cried helpless. I have absolutely no memory of my little sister or baby brother during that.
It felt like a week later, a new guy showed up.
She continuously shared reasons to hate my father and in contrast reasons to like the new guy.
She explained she met the him at her half sister's funeral several states away just prior to the fight with my father -- where she made sure I knew what cheating was. 🙄
The new guy became dad shortly after and then brought 2 new siblings with him.
A brother a couple months younger than me, and a sister a little younger than my full blood sister.
Technically they're my half cousins because dad was my mom's deceased half-sister's husband who she "met" at the funeral.
It took one quiet moment in my room to understand who actually cheated and when.
I learned to be extremely vigilant in understanding timing and taking in information without ascribing truth to it.
I learned to feel the mood of a person without words and to test uncertainty by enthusiastically saying "I love you!" and digesting the reality behind the nuance of the surface response from mom and dad.
He beat all of us with his belt. And later the boys, the oldest of which was me, got "the tearjerker" - a piece of wood that used to hold up the box spring on an old wooden bedframe and now used to beat us.
Somehow she was even more cruel to them than to me.
My brother from dad's side told her "I love you mom!" right after I did, using the same tone of child-like happiness without knowing it was just part of my test to be over the top so she wouldn't call out the truth of it if she knew.
We were all in the car out in the middle of nowhere in a wooded swamp after they went fishing off a broken bridge.
I felt like something was scary and tense. She was normal/reserved tone when replying to my "I love you mom!" but my heart broke for my brother when she turned to dad instead of him and said "oh I'm going to like this one, he loves me even when I'm mad at him."
He didn't fucking do anything.
I never heard him happy again.
We stopped, my parents got out, went to the trunk, dad opened the big paper map so we couldn't see through the trunk-hood gap from inside into the trunk.
They whispered and I felt tension rise. It felt like an hour before they came back in. By then mom was irritated at dad, dad was silent.
My mind sat with a feeling that the five of us kids just survived.
I told on my brother-cousin in 3rd grade for something stupid I don't remember.
Hours later, while in the bath upstairs, I hear the usual screams and "I didn't do that" from a child as mom screamed with insanity and beat the shit out of my someone. It didn't even cross my mind that I told on him earlier because it was something petty and minor and couldn't be relevant.
She stomped upstairs burst through my bathroom door and started beating the shit out of me.
I screamed over and over "what did I do?! what did I do?!"
She bloodied my nose and repeatedly held my head under the water.
She finally yelled and said
"you said your brother blah blah blah!"
My mind exploded into bewilderment at the horrible distortion of what I actually said.
I yelled through blood, snot, and tears
"No I didn't! I said (minor nonsense)."
I became really really good at repeating things I heard or said verbatim over the years.
She stood straight up, her entire energy dropped into deadpan nothing, she looked towards the window and said a neutral volume "Oh." then walked out and back downstairs without another signal of awareness.
The neighbor two doors down on the opposite side of the house called child protective services for the first time.
The second time was while my dad beat me with his open hand in my face and with the tear jerker on my butt & thighs for several minutes because I was too scared to walk up to him and allow him to do it just once.
It was part of the punishment to have to willingly come into beating range so he didn't have to reach for us.
That was the first time I wore makeup. Mom put it on my face to cover the old bruises and fresh marks. CPS has (had?) to call to inform the parents they're coming. FUCKING STUPID.
Mom told me in a panic while putting the makeup on
"that's it, that's enough to do it, we're going to jail. They're going to take you away. You'll never see your siblings again."
She noticed that last one struck so she repeated it over and over until they got there.
They started by interviewing us individually but my little brother was too young and they asked me to go with him.
He answered every question point blank with the truth, I interrupted every time and downplayed it and made it seem like he was exaggerating. I lied. I didn't want to lose him. I didn't know what else to do.
After my 18th birthday my dad changed completely. It was gradual for only a short time then so much more reserved and kind, soft, seemingly all at once. It was the first time in my life I saw someone actually change. His growth continued and is the only reason we still sometimes talk.
I was so fucking hateful by that time though. I did everything I could to learn. I studied Buddhism, I felt the love of Ram Dass and Thich Nhat Hanh, and I held onto the sage advice from the few good teachers I encountered.
My first relationship lasted 3 and a half awful years, into sophomore year of college. I told her I'd kill her if she ever cheated, she cheated, she never admitted it but I tasted the condom then the guy told me along with our manager from work where we met.
It turned me on more than ever.
But I wasn't allowed to like that let alone admit it, so I put on the pressure with name-calling and constant lack of trust. She cheated again in college more than once.
"How do I taste?"
She didn't use a condom that time - still never admitted it but the buried trans girl inside of me was living vicariously through her.
"Fine, like normal, the back of my throat is drying out a little though."
She cancelled my phone her parents were paying for and that's how things officially ended between us.
I had no way to contact anyone so I spoke to God and begged him to not let me go through that again. To not let me ever do that to someone else again.
I had 2 non-committed, unlabeled, very short relationships in college after that.
In the last days of college my friend put her wig on me and I saw myself in the mirror.
Playfully and with curiosity in her tone, she looked at me
"You seem to be enjoying this a little too much. 😏"
"I've kinda always wanted to."
"You know you can, right?"
"Yeah, but, you know, I have to get a job so... No."
For the next 12 years I stayed single, male expressing, not one kiss or hand held. I just worked on figuring myself out.
Every time I'd get close to a new relationship, it would fall apart and my life path would bend.
I was 430lbs, jobless, and alone with my cat the day I accepted the label, I am transgender.
I watched lilly Jo Hanson's coming out video and it clicked a giant vault door lock in my energy bigger than my body.
I watched it again and I bawled.
I watched it over and over and I bawled for weeks straight with bursts of laughter and self love pouring into every crack.
I had an epiphany that unlocked it all.
Being transgender isn't something you do, it's something you are.
I knew well when something was my bullshit or someone else's in every conflict. If I was logically sound and in harmony with my beliefs and perspective when I took an action, I don't give half a bit what you think about it. I can feel when my actions come from misalignment and I do the shadow work to heal it and I apologize when I realize it.
So in my mind, if transgender was something you do, I couldn't stand living as the woman in my heart in the world we're in. I would feel like I needed to justify it in the face of spite and I hated attention so there's no way I'd even buy the kilts or tunic that had been on my Amazon wishlists for years.
The moment I realized it's something you are, something I obviously am, there wasn't a God that could stop me from transitioning. No justification needed, it just is.
No attention wanted, I'm just plain Jane.
I've gradually lost 200lbs (90kg) since that day. Not from effort, from the natural unfolding of a happier life.
I had an incredibly fun 6 month relationship since then and I was so damn proud of the person I was. She unlocked so much for me, I was suddenly straight up promiscuous. 11 weeks, 30 people, mostly men, PrEP and DoxyPep, and a whole new confidence. I love myself and I finally felt free to explore this side of me.
One big karmic cycle kept coming up over and over though.
The moment I detect someone acting without integrity, I give them a single chance to course correct before I show my teeth.
If you double down on a lack of integrity, I get vicious and see my mother's hatred living through me.
I do not want to live with this cycle repeating.
I've come to the brute force awareness that the moment I detect a double down on a lack of integrity, I am on a metaphysical boundary on my life path.
That relationship is over and cannot be recovered through any actions on my part.
I have one singular option - to walk away.
Nothing gives me the right to impose my perspective on anyone else's life path. They made their choice, twice. They are living their version of their truth and it is simply incompatible with mine.
Walk away and stand tall, argue and make myself small, or bend to their nonsense and make myself even smaller.
I'm done showing my teeth though. If you saw them, I guarantee it's because you violated that one single boundary that I still carry OR I did something I needed to learn from and fix and you received an apology.
I am not perfect but
I am proud of who I am.
I just walked away from a six figure Staff Engineer offer.
They approached me, they appreciated my tech writing and my extensive list of open source work. (some of which are listed here) We made plans to talk.
- Five great interviews went by.
- I signed the offer letter.
- I was genuinely excited for the role.
- Then they took a couple days "for the lawyers to draft their standard employment agreement." 🚩
Their employment agreement contained two awful clauses that made my stomach drop when seen together.
First, this one which doubts the employee's integrity to the point they feel it necessary to add "Best effort" to the AT WILL employment agreement. 5 Best Efforts. During Employee’s employment with Company, Employee will serve Company faithfully and to the best of Employee’s ability and will devote Employee’s full business and professional time, energy, and diligence to the performance of Employee’s job duties. Employee will comply with Company’s policies and practices as they exist from time to time. Employee will promptly communicate to Company all business, commercial and investment opportunities or offers presented to Employee, or of which Employee becomes aware, that relate to Company’s business. During Employee’s employment with Company, Employee will not, directly or indirectly, compete with Company, be employed by or provide services to any other person or entity, or engage in any other business activity, without prior written approval from Company. Employee may, however, engage in passive personal investment activities, so long as the activities do not compete with Company, violate Company policies or interfere with Employee’s job duties. 🚩 unless they approve it in writing first: All of this is specifically outside of work and on my own equipment. Literally trying to micromanage everything I do, everything that attracted them to me. And it's web dev - everything is indirectly related to everything. And my OS work is directly related to some of their work. I have seen barely similar clauses and I always get them removed or neutralized with amendments because of the nature of my OS efforts. This is by far the most overreaching variant I have ever witnessed though. The next one is INFURIATING to me and I didn't even bring it up in my first response. 11 Remedies. Employee acknowledges that violation of this Agreement would have a materially detrimental effect upon Company, the monetary loss from which would be difficult, if not impossible, to measure. If Employee breaches or threatens to breach any term of this Agreement, Company will be entitled as a matter of right to injunctive relief and reasonable attorneys’ fees, costs, and expenses associated with enforcing this Agreement, in addition to any other remedies available at law or equity. Employee waives any right Employee may have to a jury trial to determine Company’s right to recover attorneys’ fees and costs under this Agreement, or to determine the reasonableness of those attorneys’ fees and costs. Nothing in this Agreement will limit Company’s remedies under any applicable Uniform Trade Secrets Act or elsewhere. (emphasis mine) This clause is so one-sided and revolting it makes my skin crawl. 🚩 No verbiage of the prevailing party - even if they lose, they can legally assign all of their "reasonable" costs to me.These are the 2 clauses
🚩 It blocks my ability to get paid for writing.
🚩 It blocks my ability to get paid for speaking.
🚩 It blocks my ability to continue development on my open source work.
🚩 It blocks my ability to develop new things or even use any new features that excite me.
I've done my reflection and I'm confident it was unnecessary to grasp, argue, plead, or show my teeth at all.
I offered if they agreed to 3 interlinked amendments, it would mostly neutralize both and I wouldn't have to point out how awful they were.
They agreed to two. ☣️
I should have just walked away when they rejected the 3rd amendment.
But this was my response, the violence at my boundary.
[Redacted],
I had excellent conversations with everyone on the team and I am excited by the potential of the company in full and individually by each of the members I talked to.
I trust that we are already fully working together, shoulder to shoulder, looking at this employment agreement and working to fix it together.
Not just for me, not just for the image of your company, but for all future employees you attempt to hire.Here is section 5 in full to continue discussion:
5 Best Efforts. [...]
This clause directly implies that your legal team doesn't have trust in my integrity to give my best effort - even though the agreement is at-will and you are free to terminate employment any moment you felt like I wasn't giving my best effort. Your legal team's mistrust and now insistence to micromanage what I do outside of work on my own equipment and restrict my multiple streams of income is wholly unacceptable.
I apologize for any perceived harshness but I will no longer move forward with the employment agreement unless it is removed in full.
Further, since your legal team's intentions have been magnified here, it forces a closer look at their egregious, one-sided, fear based, power hungry lack of integrity in section 11. Here it is in full for reference:
11 Remedies. [...]
Your perception of how I've labeled it is a direct reflection of the energy your legal team has inserted into your employment agreement.
Either remove this entirely as well or introduce some integrity by replacing the sentence beginnig with "If Employee breaches or threatens to breach..." with the following:
In any legal action or arbitration arising out of or related to this Agreement, the prevailing party shall be entitled to recover its reasonable attorneys' fees, costs, and expenses from the non-prevailing party, in addition to any other relief to which it may be entitled.
Additionally, the next sentence should be similarly bi-directional to the benefit of the prevailing party and not one-sided.
Happy to continue once these issues are fixed.
You want leaders, not captured pokemon.
// Jane
If you want to work with ME - I'd love to chat.
If you want me afraid of punishment, unable to live as myself, unable to follow my excitement outside of work without a zero trust leash around my neck, unable to play with new tech without permission, you can't have me.
I refuse to be anyone less than I've grown to be.
I love myself. I love the work I do. I love each of my open source contributions. I love my grind and drive. I love my passion. I love my integrity.
I'm available and eager to be part of a team again. :)
Happy pride month 🏳️⚧️
Open Contact 👽
Please keep the comments on-topic and reach out with anything else through my socials! Happy to help, love to see what you've created using my OS contributions.
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