I previously talked about my friends and my personal experiences, as well as some of my trauma. Every action has a consequence. I have been dealing with severe imposter syndrome and self-hate. Especially after posting my last two articles, I feel like I am not really a developer.
Emotionally, I am overall just in a lot of pain. I have started ignoring the issues keeping me from properly doing my school work, I have not been taking care of myself, and I have been very sick and unable to keep my food down anymore (which isn't good for physical OR mental health).
I actually have not been able to bring myself to work on the projects that have been borderline been the last things able to keep me sane. I am not happy with myself, and this is a time where I do not know what to do. The fires in my area are causing me physical pain, and I even had an asthma attack the night before writing this. Every day I am losing more and more focus to more and more anger and not knowing what to do or who to talk to. I have been hating myself because I am not doing enough, demotivating myself, and doing even less the next day. It is a cycle that is dragging me further down into depression and anger.
This might have something to do with my bipolar disorder, this might be my autism, this might even be something else I do not know about, but all I do know is that I am not able to give myself much motivation, and other people cheering me on has not been helping either.
I make this series to rant publicly about issues and hope to do some good by letting other developers know that even in a downward spiral it is okay to be emotional. I am doing badly, but I am sure I can get out of this. You can too if you are in a situation like this. I wanted to make this article really fast so I could just say my recent thoughts on how I feel like I am not good enough, and how I feel things are getting worse. Things will eventually get better, at least I hope. I just want to make sure others know they are not alone, no matter how it feels like it. Everyone deals with some negative emotions, including imposter syndrome, but all I can say is when you are 10 miles below rock bottom, you will eventually be heading up due to the nature of spherical planets.