Hello out there, I am new to this but feel it is important to share our story. I was a wife for 25 years (26 technically and looks like it may be 27) I never wanted to get married I didn’t ever want to rely on a man due to my childhood but that’s another story for another day. In July of 2021 my husband was diagnosed with Stage3c Squamous Cell Lung Cancer. A meeting with the oncologists who informed us it is terminal but strongly advised chemo and radiation to extend the time he has left on this earth. I remember going home and telling our son we got up and hugged as a family and sadly that is the last time we did that.
He started radiation and chemotherapy in September he had chemotherapy everyday and on Tuesdays he had chemo and radiation. I took Tuesdays off from work so I could take him and his siblings took him the other days. After week 2 I noticed a change in his personality and attitude I had joined a support group on facebook to help me figure things out and get helpful tips.
In October our son who was a senior in high school had said that his dad had stopped talking to him, I suggested maybe he is just shutting down a little because he is scared. November he started getting the chills and then hot flashes I called his oncologist who told me to get him to the hospital as soon as possible. He had pneumonia and sepsis. He was in the hospital for a week. When he got out his sister was so excited to host Thanksgiving and I had suggested he not go as his immune system is compromised. He didn’t go and I became the monster that kept him from his family.
He had one of those big trucks with the lift kit, it was not easy for him to get in and out of it, so he suggested he take my car after I got to work as he wanted to do some Christmas Shopping. I was a little nervous I didn’t like him driving at all because I was not sure how he would feel. That Monday morning in November I dropped my son off at school and started the drive to work. ( I worked 30 minutes away) as soon as my son closed the car door my husband proceeded to yell at me suggesting that I poisened our son against him, I am not taking good care of the car, I need to get new tires, the cookies I made over the weekend were horrible, I am a bitch, oh it went on and on. I asked him to please stop I had a long day ahead of me and just needed to not have an argument, then he insulted my job. ( I was an office manager for a towing/collision shop) telling me any idiot could do my job. I just shut down, said nothing. He continued to tell me all the things I have failed at. He took the car and I tried to just keep my shit in check. At 5:00 p.m. I clocked out and saw that he was there so I got into the car he said nothing and let me tell you it was the longest drive of my life. We just completely stopped talking.
Christmas Eve came and he went to his families house I was trying to salvage the night with our son so we made cookies as my husband was getting ready to leave our son asked if he was going to wish us a merry christmas he laughed sarcastically and said he was going to have a great night. I declared that it was time for a new tradition so I ordered chinese food and we watched hallmark movies after we passed out cookie tins to our neighbors. Christmas morning, there was nothing under the tree for our son. Then my husband came downstairs I asked if he got our son anything and he said no. Oh my heart just ached. I took the tree down, packed up the ornaments and went to our spare bedroom and finished wrapping the gifts I had purchased for my son and for him. I brought my son his gifts to his room where he opened them and I apologized that that was all I had to give him. I also promised him that we would never spend another holiday in the matter we were in.
In March I received a letter from an attorney that my husband wanted a divorce, I mean I wasnt surprised we hadnt spoken in months. I called an attorney and we agreed to mediation. So in a matter of 8 months I learned my husband was going to die, tried to help him, now were getting divorced. I set an appointment for us all to meet and discuss the divorce. That night my son sent me a text with a youtube link he asked that I watch it and then go and talk to him. Well, it was about eating disorders and he had one. I went into his room and we talked and cried I told him I would need to make an appointment with a pediatrician to make sure he did not damage his body. He agreed. Off to his pediatrician we went the following week and my son stated that he would stay committed to getting better if I just stuck with him. ( this statement broke my heart) the pediatrician said I needed to bring him to the hospital, this was not something I could fix by “feeding” him. So we left to go to the hospital, my heart raced, I didnt know how much more I could take at this point but I was NOT letting my son quit. Once there he was brought to ICU and diagnosed with Restrictive Anorexia Nervosa and they told me there was a high probability that he not survive. I called my former husband to let him know what was going on and this sticks out painfully to me he never called me we were at the hospital all night long and he never called me. My son had refeeding syndrome and it was very serious. He had Petechiae, fluid around his heart. They were unable to give him any nutrition at that point he was given oral vitamins and on a liquid diet until they could get his phosperus levels up. Just typing this is giving me anxiety and still now I dont know how I got through that without ending up in a straight jacket.
All of my marriage and motherhood all I ever wanted was for my boys to be happy and know how much I loved them. I was told it would be best if I stayed to support my son especially during times of nutrition so I would go home around 3:30 a.m. to take a shower change clothes and take care of the animals go back up to the hospital to be there for morning rounds and then back home around 3:00 in the afternoon to take the dog for a walk then back up to the hospital for the evening. It was hard and I was raw. One afternoon at the hospital I was getting ready to run home and was told by a nurse it would be in my best interest that I not leave and when I asked her to explain to me why she wouldnt answer me I demanded to speak to the doctor and she informed me that the doctor was with another patient, I very loudly screamed I dont care if the doctor is in with Jesus Christ himself I want to speak to her NOW. My face red my neck covered in hives and tears streaming down my face. She got the doctor and god bless this doctor she calmed me down (without medicating me) ( I wish she still would have medicated me) there were concerns with my son’s heart but she said go home check on your animals we have you covered.
I still remember pulling into my driveway empty coffee cups rattling on the floor of my car and getting a call being told my son could finally start on solids, I cried so hard. Something happened when I wasnt at home I started to truly see what was going on in my house. My son had shown me the definition of gaslighting and well I was shellshocked. I realized I was married to a narcisisst. I know that in our marriage I was not perfect, money was our biggest problem and that I was truly an idiot with money. Not that I was out shopping and buying fur coats but I was pretty ignorant at saving money. I also thought that I was basically the worst wife in the history of wives. We had stopped being intimate five years prior but I thought it was just something that happened in marriages, I wasnt thin enough, pretty enough, sexy enough, I was tired. I use to get up at 3:00 a.m. to caffeniate and then run morning was the only time I had to do it and I loved running. I have completed various 5k’s and four half marathons. I forgot where I was going with this. My son was not super comfortable around his dad, as he got older he saw the way he spoke to me and treated me and he didnt like it. (unfortunately my former husband felt that I had poisened our son against him) when it was the other way around, I didnt want my son to have his father pass away without telling his dad he loved him.
I remember going to our first mediation appointment ( I know I just dropped off again) we sat down in a cold room and our attorneys discussed our marriage, finances etc. My attorney asked him about visitation schedules for our son ( which was sort of moot as he was going to be turning 18 in September) he didnt want custody or visitation with our son. We had obtained a dog a few years prior to the shitshow of our life she’s a pocket bulldog her name is NalaGirl shes an incredible dog filled with love (and gas) I had asked that we share custody of our dog and cat Graci ( which my son and I rescued at a local animal shelter) he cried, he cried over the dog not our son. I was not able to attend our second mediation due to my son being in the hospital, I still remember coming home that day, oh did I get yelled at for not being able to “carve a few hours out of my day” to make the appointment. I still remember leaving that day as I put my hand on the doorknob he clearly stated “It would have been easier if I had just died” In the weeks that followed my son was in the hospital for a month, he worked very very hard at eating, going to therapy and being able to walk again. Eating Disorders are sneaky, we named his eating disorder “Eugene” and when nutrition was difficult we would tell Eugene to “f” off.
We also worked on vision boards cutting out things that we wanted for our new place and a body positivity board. Eating Disorders are on the rise they got worse during the pandemic. My son was not allowed his phone or ANY social media. I use to wheel him downstairs and we would “window shop” at the gift store. There is more much more to share but I am going to end here for now. See how this goes and if people are interested in our story. If you have read this far, wow, thank you. If you know someone who is battling an eating disorder, if I can help I am here, if you know someone who is in a relationship where there is verbal and physical abuse, I am here. Thank you for reading.
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