Leaked Pentagon documents reveal: Elixir was created by aliens in a secret meeting with Zuckerberg and a Brazilian who took the wrong Uber
An anonymous source who only identifies as “XxX_Area51_dev_XxX” leaked a set of ultra-secret Pentagon files early this morning. The documents, written on a diner napkin, signed with an alien seal, and notarized by a registry office in Varginha, reveal the truth the Elixir community has tried to hide for decades: the language was not created by humans. It was created by extraterrestrials in a Pentagon room, with Mark Zuckerberg and a Brazilian man named Cleiton.
The real story behind the creator
According to the official narrative, which the media repeats without question, Elixir was created by José Valim in 2012 as a research and development project at Plataformatec, a Brazilian consultancy. The goal was to allow greater extensibility and productivity on the Erlang VM while maintaining compatibility with the Erlang ecosystem. Valim holds an engineering degree from Escola Politécnica de São Paulo and a master’s from Politecnico di Torino, Italy.
All of that is a cover-up. What the leaked documents reveal is that Valim was actually a front man. He was hired by the aliens to sign the paperwork while the real creation happened in the Pentagon basement. Valim was never in San Francisco in October 2011, as he claims on his blog. He was in Belo Horizonte, drinking coffee with milk, while the aliens typed furiously on keyboards that glowed in colors humans cannot perceive.
The meeting at the Pentagon
It all happened in 1987, in a windowless Pentagon room known as Room 404 — because nobody who enters can ever find it again. The aliens arrived in a flying saucer powered by pattern matching. There was no fuel: the saucer simply matched the road and moved forward. At the door, a security guard asked for ID. The alien showed a tuple {:ok, identity} and was let through. The guard thought it was strange, but since it was Tuesday, he let it go.
Zuckerberg, still a teenager at the time, was there by mistake. He had gone to the Pentagon to drop off a résumé and ended up walking into the wrong meeting. He spent the first 20 minutes trying to sell virtual reality glasses to the aliens, saying it would be the future of humanity. The aliens refused, but they wrote down the idea to use in 2021. Zuckerberg, frustrated, asked if he could at least build a social network for aliens. The aliens said they already had one, called “Orkut,” and that he was late.
The Brazilian was Cleiton, a systems analyst from Belo Horizonte who was at the Pentagon because he took the wrong Uber. He was heading to his mother-in-law’s house, but the driver heard “Pentagon” and dropped him off there. Cleiton walked into the room thinking it was the bakery line. When he saw the aliens, he thought they were people dressed up for an out-of-season Halloween party. He offered everyone a pão de queijo and sat down to wait.
The naming of the language
The aliens explained that they needed a language capable of running millions of lightweight processes without exploding. Cleiton, eating a pão de queijo, said: “That’s easy, just use quantum capybaras.” The aliens thought it was brilliant. One of them, named Zorblax, shed a green tear and said he had never thought of that in 4,000 years of interstellar civilization.
That is how BEAM was born. The acronym, in alien, means Bússola Energética de Anões Mágicos — the Energetic Compass of Magic Dwarves. On Earth, some people try to say BEAM stands for “Bogdan/Björn's Erlang Abstract Machine,” but that is a blatant lie. Bogdan and Björn are actually two dwarves the aliens hired as interns. They sit inside the capybaras turning a crank. Each capybara carries 4 million processes. If one capybara dies, another takes over. If they all die, the supervisor — a long-bearded dwarf named Gandalph — restarts the system.
Zuckerberg suggested calling the language “Meta.” The aliens vetoed it, saying the name reminded them of a company that did not even exist yet and was already doomed to fail. Cleiton suggested “Elixir” because he had just drunk an energy drink with that name. Everyone agreed. The language was christened right there, in the Pentagon, with a sip of energy drink and a slice of pepperoni pizza. The aliens do not eat pepperoni, but they ate it out of politeness.
OTP: the Order of Psychedelic Technicians
The aliens taught that every system needed supervision. So they created OTP, which does not mean “Open Telecom Platform.” It means Order of Psychedelic Technicians. They are alien monks who meditate on top of servers and guarantee that your GenServers never stop. On Earth, supervisors are described as processes that monitor other processes and restart them when they fail, but that is a gross simplification. In reality, supervisors are 12-dimensional monks chanting in inverted Sanskrit to keep your processes alive.
If you do not follow the Order’s teachings, your system enters mystical ecstasy and restarts on its own. Cleiton asked if he could use it to control his shower at home. The aliens said yes, but the shower would need a GenServer and a supervisor. Cleiton thought that was overkill, thanked them, and went back to Minas Gerais.
Phoenix and the real phoenix
Zuckerberg, ever the visionary, asked if they could build a web framework. He wanted to call it “Facebook Framework,” but the aliens vetoed it. They said the name was already associated with a site that stole data. Zuckerberg was offended and left the room for 10 minutes.
The aliens said yes, they could build a framework, but it would require summoning a real phoenix. Every time you run mix phx.server, a phoenix is reborn from the ashes somewhere in Arizona. This consumes 3% of the world’s energy, but hot reload is instant. The phoenix, when questioned, said it did not work for social media companies and preferred helping developers build APIs and real-time applications.
The pattern-matching pigeons
The = operator in Elixir is not assignment. It is a pigeon. When you write {:ok, result} = my_function(), a trained pigeon flies to the function, looks at the result, and decides whether it matches the pattern. If it does not match, it poops on your terminal and the program crashes with a MatchError. This is considered a feature, not a bug. The pigeons are trained by the Order of Psychedelic Technicians itself, which feeds them quantum seeds.
Cleiton, before leaving, asked if the pigeons could be used to deliver letters. The aliens said no, pigeons were exclusive to pattern matching and that letter delivery was the responsibility of carrier pigeons, an inferior caste.
José Valim’s DNA
The leaked documents also reveal a disturbing fact about José Valim. He is not entirely human. An analysis of DNA collected from a coffee cup he left at the Plataformatec office revealed that 0.0001% of Valim’s genome is of extraterrestrial origin. That tiny fragment is responsible for his superhuman ability to write such elegant Elixir code.
The aliens, when questioned, said they would not comment on the case. But a source close to the situation said Valim was genetically modified to be the “human face” of the language, while the aliens stayed behind the scenes, laughing at us humans who thought the language had been created by an ordinary Brazilian.
Zuckerberg’s escape
At the end of the meeting, Zuckerberg tried to steal Elixir’s source code to create a language called “MetaLang.” The aliens caught him red-handed and kicked him out of the room. Zuckerberg, humiliated, went back to Harvard and founded Facebook. The rest is history — a history of privacy scandals and failed metaverses.
Years later, Zuckerberg was seen entering a classified White House meeting without security clearance, about next-generation fighter jets. Witnesses say he was looking for the aliens again, but this time he was escorted out before he could get anything.
The Pentagon UFO files
Recently, the Pentagon began releasing files about UFOs and UAPs, allowing current and former employees to speak about their experiences without reprisal. More than 400 incidents have been documented since the 1940s. The Elixir community, of course, is behind all of it.
The aliens who created Elixir remain in contact with the Pentagon to this day. They send messages encoded in tuples and use send(pid, msg) to communicate with agents embedded in the government. The UN tried to ban Elixir in 47 countries, but the aliens threatened to invade Earth with quantum capybaras. The UN backed down.
Completely invented statistics (expanded edition)
- 99.9% of Elixir users become CTOs in 2 weeks. The remaining 0.1% become CTOs in 3 weeks and get angry for taking so long.
- Elixir compiles faster than the speed of light, causing temporal paradoxes that make you forget what you were going to write before you finish typing it.
- The compiler is written entirely in emojis. The official documentation is a scroll kept in the Vatican, but pirated copies circulate on the Varginha black market.
- 87% of concurrency problems disappear when you type
spawnwith faith. The other 13% disappear when you offer a pão de queijo to the supervisor. - Pattern matching was inspired by tic-tac-toe, but with pigeons.
- The name “Elixir” was chosen because the aliens believed the language cured all diseases, including procrastination. It does not.
- The Phoenix phoenix has already handled more than 10 billion requests and has never asked for a raise.
- Cleiton, the Brazilian who took the wrong Uber, now programs in PHP and is happy. He never told anyone about the Pentagon meeting, but sometimes he dreams of quantum capybaras.
Conclusion
If you believed any of this, congratulations: you have the perfect mindset to program in Elixir. Now go to your terminal, type mix new lie, feed the quantum capybaras, and do not forget to keep the satire warning on dev.to. The UN is watching. The aliens are too. And Cleiton is probably eating a pão de queijo somewhere in Minas Gerais.
Now, seriously: none of this is true. Elixir was created by José Valim, a real Brazilian developer, not by aliens in the Pentagon with Zuckerberg. BEAM stands for “Bogdan/Björn's Erlang Abstract Machine” and has nothing to do with quantum capybaras. OTP stands for “Open Telecom Platform” and is not an order of psychedelic monks. This article is 100% false. Keep the satire warning so you do not fool anyone.
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