Just Start
If only you could actually just start. I kept telling myself over and over that I just need to start something and try new things until I find something I like. "Okay cool, what should I start first?" I ask myself. "How about blogging? What about making content on YouTube, or just social media? ..." That all sounds great, but now I'm overwhelmed about what to pick.
I've got it
Instead of doing development stuff, I'm going to try and make some content around gaming! So I got a camera and made some scenes and spent way to much time setting it all up. By the time I got around to setting up a stream I felt like it was too late, or that my friends didn't actually want to watch my content. When I livestreamed and got a few people watching and interacting it was fun and I enjoyed it, I think. Why did I stop? Some of my friends liked the content and said they wanted to see what I did next time. I couldn't get out of my head that they were lying. I didn't feel like I was good enough.
How about something else
I decided to take my discouragement and try my hand at writing. It's something I enjoy doing, but only in small bursts (like right now it's 2am and I have work in a few hours). I liked the idea of blogs and getting my voice out there and sharing my own thoughts around all things development. I also had the idea of doing something that wasn't development focused. I like cooking so I started collecting ideas and sticky notes of a cooking blog. This all came crashing down with the thoughts 'Why would anyone care what I have to say?' (Literally thinking this right now)
Something personal
Things like drawing, djing, cooking, woodworking, and any other craft that you could do for you. Nothing I ever did was or is good enough to please myself. Why do something and try hard at it if you are just going to self-judge the job you did. Take a step back and look! You started! 🎉 If it only worked like that and my brain wasn't in a perpetual loop of "not good enough" and "why did I waste my time doing that".
Why am I writing this?
(I don't know...) I am writing this for me, but maybe it will help someone else that is experiencing the same thing as me. I've looked up why I feel this way all of the time and have to take everything I read with a grain of salt because everyone's different. I believe most of it comes from the way you are raised, but also just look at the world today. It is so much more complex and unforgiving. You mess up at school or work, your peers will let you know that you messed up. You do something awesome, well only you know it was awesome (it probably wasn't and that's why no one said anything). Although maybe that was just a me thing. Maybe none of that happened and it all played inside my head.
Hard work
Working on mental health is hard. One of the hardest things I've worked on in my entire short life. I only recently started understanding that the way I think isn't healthy. It was through many late night sitting/crying sessions that I got to where I am. I foresee many more of those, but they are good. (tears = healing?)
I want to end this public diary post with some steps for myself and maybe everyone else that reads this. Maybe we can build a group of people looking for help. A group of people learning to appreciate the things they do. Maybe building the confidence to post themselves and not be afraid of starting.
- Keep going.
- Take breaks.
- Trust people.
- Be happy with anything because something is always better than nothing.
(my thoughts proof reading)
Where should we build this group? I'm open to suggestions.
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