So it has been a year since I graduated from my 4 year university with a Bachelors in computer science and even though I have to agree that the curriculum was a bit on the bland side I am still grateful for what I could learn from there. Although I haven't made much progress since.
I have not dived into any project ideas and have been wandering aimlessly into looking into different technologies such as React, Go, etc. in the year following my graduation but not really putting them into practice mostly due out of desperation to pique the interest on any hiring manager or whatnot. It was this desperation that made me start to hate programming; Hating it just because it couldn't get me a job because I figure that way I can have a reason to come up solutions to problems because I would simply wait to have problems to solve handed to me. Of course, this is not a healthy mindset to have and it impacted me greatly.
The rest of 2018 was spent with me hating my position in life because my current situation wasn't the most ideal; still working at the grocery store where I was employed since the latter half of my sophomore year of college, barely making ends meet and barely revisiting the programming languages that I learned, feeling the joy I once felt coming up solutions with, but swiftly dropping that and leaving them alone for months. Depression, frustration, and anxiety became facts of life for me. I decided to go out more to meet new people to see if it would alleviate me of this state of mind and I manage to meet a small group of people there which I became friends with rather quickly.
After meeting new friends and going to new events and just hanging out with them I realized that they all had hobbies that they were successful at and met new individuals with all because they loved to do it, but most importantly they kept doing it because they disciplined themselves to keep doing what they love. They described as having to fight to keep themselves engaged doing what they like.
And of course realizing my position and why I am here after some self-reflecting it made a lot of sense. I had the motivation, but motivation was only half of the solution; I needed to discipline myself. I realized that I needed to keep reminding myself of how I felt when I learned a new programming language and coming up with solutions to problems as much as I did in college only this time I had to discipline myself to do them out of my own volition instead of having to rely on someone else telling me what to do. Coming into 2019 I decide to to just that. Actually sit down, do what I do, make what I like, and worry about everything else later on. Be happy with my position in life because that is the real first step to improving it.
I might not be the most proficient writer but I felt like I had to make this post to vent and to see if there were others in the same boat as I was. Hope you are doing well.