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Tech Office Deaths

Look, we all know that the hope of retirement is gone and we half-joke about dropping dead at work. We may say it is a work ethic to feel useful, and then we pause and realize we can’t get far enough ahead to have a rest. I wish I were joking, but…

I see the Glass half full!

Now Hiring: Death Consultant

Description: person to handle the end of life needs in our large QA department that is frequently in flux.

Requirements: Ability to cover body with dignity in our open office concept and gracefully remove those affected to designated bereavement areas as to not impact team velocity. Removal of memoriams or shrines to designated areas to allow facilities to hose off the workspace for immediate new hires.

Prior experience: 4 years proven of unwavering lack of empathy or 1 year in HR. Knowledge of non-denominational, non-gendered Twitter 128 character eulogy format. Gaining rights over all ex-personnel social media for immediate deletion. Suicide net building codes.

Pluses: Knowledge of ex-personnel storage and removal with help of designated floor wardens to end of live vendors like Amazon Corpse(tm) for employees, and WalMart for contractors and part time. Accurate time of death for payroll on hourly workers. Microsoft Excel.

Benefits: Time spent in bereavement at work is reimbursed at 50% for onsite 10% if offsite. If you die in the first two hours in the office, your partner/spouse will get half a day’s pay, anything over 3 hours it is a full day. After 90 days and 20 years, employee is eligible for employer paid Next Day Prime cremation for you and partner/spouse. Job placement for one (1) child over 12 with 3 years experience provided at no extra cost. Amazon Orphan(tm) placement services for those children (under 18 and still in the household earning under 30k) left behind.

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