Sascha Mirow-Stanitzok

Posted on Nov 10 Originally published at sascha-ms.de

How to Ask for Feedback as a Manager: Questions That Work

#career #leadership #management

Asking for feedback sounds like the easiest part of leading a team: you ask, people answer, you learn something. In practice, the question “Do you have any feedback for me?” surprisingly often ends with a friendly “Nope, all good.” And then? You know exactly as much as before, plus the warm feeling of having asked.

I care about this topic because I know both sides. As a developer, I know the reflex to dodge that question even when something is on the tip of your tongue. As a team lead, I notice how quickly I develop blind spots in day-to-day work. In this article I show you how to ask for feedback so that you get real answers, how to react to uncomfortable responses, and why the most important part only starts after the conversation.

In short

If you ask your team for feedback with broad questions, you mostly get politeness back. Small, specific questions about a concrete situation work much better. The biggest pitfall is what happens afterwards: if the team never learns what became of its input, the source dries up.

What you will learn in this article

Why broad feedback questions rarely produce honest answers
What two studies say about asking for feedback and its effect
A four-step loop, from the question to a visible result
More than 15 concrete questions for 1:1s, meetings and your leadership role
When an anonymous survey helps and when it is pointless in a small team

Why “Do you have feedback for me?” rarely works

The question has three weaknesses. It is so open that the other person first has to figure out what to talk about at all. It usually comes at the end of a conversation, when both of you are already halfway into the next meeting. And it requires someone to spontaneously criticize the person who has a say in their projects, their growth and sometimes their salary.

Under these conditions, “all good” is the sensible answer. It costs nothing, ends the situation and puts no relationship at risk. This has little to do with cowardice. People judge very carefully whether openness pays off, and the question gives them no reason to believe it does.

On top of that, there is the power gap. However approachable you are, for your team you remain the person who hands out the work. Wishing for openness is therefore not enough. You have to make it easy for your team to be open. I described what this looks like from the other side in my article giving feedback to your manager. This one is about your side as a team lead.

What research says about asking for feedback

Two studies are especially useful for everyday work, in my view, because they are not theory in a vacuum. Both observed real managers over a longer period.

Asking for criticism makes you more credible

In 1991, Susan Ashford and Anne Tsui studied the behavior of 387 managers, as seen by their bosses, their direct reports and their peers. Managers who actively asked for critical feedback had a more accurate picture of how others rated their work. In addition, all three groups considered these managers more effective overall. The flip side is remarkable: managers who mainly fished for praise were rated lower.

For you, this means that “What went well today?” is a poor choice as your only question. Asking what you should change does not come across as weakness. It shows your team that you really want to know the answer.

The conversation afterwards makes the difference

In 1999, Alan Walker and James Smither followed an upward feedback program for five years, with 252 managers. Upward feedback means that employees rate their manager. Managers who sat down with their direct reports to discuss the results improved more than the others. They also improved more in the years in which they had that conversation than in years without it.

For me, this is the most important insight of the whole topic. The questionnaire alone changes little. Change only gets going once you talk about the feedback. That is exactly why asking for feedback well involves more than asking.

How to ask for feedback in four steps

I see asking for feedback as a loop. It starts with a specific question and only ends when your team sees what became of its answer. Each round makes the next one easier because trust grows.

Asking for feedback as a loop: every complete round builds trust.

1. Ask small, specific questions

A good feedback question refers to one particular situation, has a narrow scope and can be answered in two minutes. Instead of “What do you think of my leadership?”, you could ask, for example: “I talked a lot myself in today’s planning. What should I have left out?”

It also helps to phrase the question so that there has to be an answer. “Is there anything I should change?” can be answered with no. “What is one thing I should do differently next month?” assumes that such a thing exists. This takes away the burden of having to justify criticism in the first place.

Announce bigger questions in advance. If you want to talk about the way you make decisions in your next 1:1, say so a few days earlier. That gives the other person time to think instead of having to come up with something on the spot.

2. The first reaction: listen, thank, ask

The first seconds after a critical comment decide whether you will ever get another one. Explanations, justifications and a slightly hurt expression are human, but they send a clear message: that was unpleasant, better not do it again.

That is why it pays to decide on your first reaction beforehand. Three sentences work particularly well:

“Thank you for saying that so openly.”
“Can you give me an example of when you noticed it?”
“What would have helped you in that moment?”

Asking for an example matters because it turns a general impression into something tangible. It is not a cross-examination, though. If the other person has no example ready, the feedback is still meant seriously. In that case, simply say that you will pay attention to it.

You do not have to decide in the conversation whether you agree. Let it sink in for a day. “Let me think about it and get back to you” is a perfectly legitimate answer, as long as you actually do get back.

3. Decide and act

You do not have to act on every piece of feedback. Sometimes responses contradict each other, sometimes a wish does not fit what the team needs right now. What matters is that you decide consciously instead of simply forgetting.

It helps to sort feedback roughly into three buckets: things I can change right away, things I want to try, and things I deliberately will not change. The third bucket needs an honest reason. “I understand the wish for fewer meetings, but I am keeping the Friday review because otherwise we find bugs too late” is an answer people can live with.

4. Close the loop

This is where things go wrong most often. You listened, said thank you and maybe even changed something. But nobody knows. From your team’s point of view, the feedback has disappeared into a black hole.

The fix is simple: say it out loud. For example, a few weeks later in a 1:1: “You told me that I propose my own solution too quickly in planning sessions. I now deliberately hold back until everyone has spoken. Do you notice a difference?” This closes the loop and opens the next one at the same time.

If the feedback concerns the whole team, the follow-up belongs in the team too, for example in the next retrospective. Only name the person who raised the topic if they agree.

Questions to ask for feedback from your team

The following questions are building blocks, not a checklist. Pick one or two per conversation and phrase them so that they sound like you. People notice a question read off a list immediately.

In a 1:1

“What is one thing I could do to make your work easier?”
“Where do you currently feel too little support from me?”
“Where do I interfere too much?”
“Do you get the information you need from me early enough?”
“What should I keep doing exactly as it is?”
“If you had my role for a day, what would you change first?”

The last question often works surprisingly well because it shifts the focus from the person to the role. The other person is not criticizing you but playing through a thought experiment. If you are still looking for a way into a first conversation, the cheat sheet with questions for a first 1:1 helps too.

After meetings and decisions

“I felt the discussion turned sour today. How did you experience it?”
“Did we make that decision too quickly?”
“Who did not get enough room in the meeting, and what could I have done differently?”
“Was it clear why I decided the way I did?”
“What bothered you about the way I assigned the task?”

These questions work best shortly after the situation, while memories are fresh. A chat message the same afternoon is often enough. For difficult feedback, though, a short call is usually better than text, because tone and follow-up questions get lost in writing.

About your leadership role as a whole

“How can you tell that I am stressed, and how does it affect you?”
“Which of my habits annoys you without me noticing?”
“What does the team say about me when I am not around?”
“What should I stand up for more, including toward management?”
“What would make you tell me honestly more often when something goes wrong?”

The question about what the team says about you in particular requires trust. Only ask it once a few smaller feedback loops have gone well. Otherwise you put the other person in an awkward position.

When everyone says “It’s fine”

Even with the best questions, you will often get evasive answers at first. That is no sign that everything is fine. It is a sign that your team first wants to test how you handle criticism.

What helps then is patience and going first. Talk about something you want to improve yourself, and then ask whether the team sees it the same way. “I have noticed that I often reply to messages late. How much does that slow you down?” You deliver the criticism yourself, and the other person only has to agree or add to it.

A scale works well too. “On a scale from 1 to 10, how well is our coordination working right now?” A 7 is easier to say out loud than open criticism. The crucial follow-up is: “What would turn the 7 into an 8?”

And sometimes “it’s fine” is simply the truth. If you ask specific questions over several weeks and still nothing comes up, that is okay. What matters is that the door stays open.

Anonymous or direct? Formats compared

Besides direct conversation, there are other ways to ask for feedback. Each format has its strengths, but none replaces the personal conversation.

Format	Good for	Limits
Specific question in a 1:1	Individual situations, relationship, quick correction	Depends heavily on trust
Retrospective	Topics that affect the whole team	Criticism of the team lead rarely comes up openly
Short anonymous survey	Spotting patterns, mood over time	No follow-up questions, barely anonymous in small teams
Skip-level meeting	An outside view through your own manager	Rare, and you are not in the room

Using anonymous surveys well

Anonymous surveys are popular because they feel safe. In a team of five, however, anonymity is often an illusion: writing style, topics and timing reveal a lot. I would therefore rather use them from around eight people upwards, or when several teams are surveyed together.

In its re:Work guide on employee surveys, Google’s People Analytics team gives a few tips that also apply to small team surveys. Think in advance about which decision you want to derive from the answers. Keep the survey short and avoid double-barreled questions such as “My team lead communicates clearly and fairly”, because clear and fair are two different things. Avoid leading questions. And share the results in full, including the unpleasant ones. Leaving out bad answers costs you the trust you need for the next round.

My take on the format: the survey tells you that there is an issue. What exactly lies behind it, you only find out in conversation. So after every survey, schedule a meeting in which you discuss the results with the team and say what you want to change. That brings you right back to the finding by Walker and Smither.

Common mistakes when you ask for feedback

A few patterns come up again and again. The most common mistake is only asking in a crisis. If you only ask for feedback after a botched decision, you get responses full of pent-up frustration. Regular small questions are much more relaxed.

A second mistake is the justification loop. You ask, get an answer and then explain for five minutes why things turned out that way. Even if your explanation is correct, the other person mainly learns one thing: criticism leads to debates.

Third, there is feedback theater. You diligently collect feedback but never change anything. That is worse than not asking at all, because it breeds cynicism. Better to ask less often and act visibly.

Finally, there is fishing for confirmation. “Planning went well today, didn’t it?” is not a feedback question but a request for agreement. The study by Ashford and Tsui suggests that your team notices this very well.

My take

I believe asking for feedback is one of the most underrated leadership tasks. It takes hardly any time and needs no budget and no tool. Still, many managers rarely do it because it feels vulnerable. I understand that feeling well. It does get smaller with every round, though.

Where I disagree: you often read that you should set yourself “feedback culture” as a big goal, with workshops, models and tools. I think that is the wrong starting point. Culture grows from many small moments in which someone says something uncomfortable and then experiences that it turned out well. As a team lead, you can create these moments yourself, starting with your next 1:1.

I do see one risk: asking for feedback must not become a burden for the team. If you ask for criticism in every conversation, it gets exhausting. One good question per week, honestly meant and with a visible effect, achieves more than a daily ritual.

FAQ

How often should a manager ask for feedback?

Regular and small beats rare and big. One specific question per week, for example in a 1:1 or after an important meeting, is plenty. A short survey once a quarter can add visibility for patterns.

What should I do if the feedback is unfair?

Say thank you anyway and ask for an example. Behind feedback that seems unfair there is often a real problem that was just phrased poorly. You can decide calmly later what you take from it.

Should I ask for feedback anonymously?

Anonymous surveys help to spot patterns, especially in larger teams. For individual situations they are weak because you cannot ask follow-up questions. In small teams, real anonymity is hardly possible, so direct conversation works better there.

How do I ask my team for feedback when I am new in the role?

Start with questions about working together before asking about your leadership, for example: “What helped you with your last team lead?” Be open about what you want to work on yourself. That shows early on that feedback is welcome.

Your next step

Pick a single question from this article for your next 1:1. Write down beforehand what your first reaction to a critical answer should look like. And put a reminder in your calendar four weeks from now to tell the person what you did with their feedback.

Which question has ever brought you the most honest answer, as a manager or as a team member? I am curious about your experiences in the comments.

Sources

This post was created with AI assistance.

👉 Next step: Preparing a first one-on-one? My question cheat sheet puts the best questions on one printable page.

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Originally published on sascha-ms.de. More articles on serverless, AI in everyday development and leading tech teams: sascha-ms.de/en

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