This is an anonymous question sent in by a member who does not want their name disclosed. Please be thoughtful with your responses, as these are usually tough questions to ask and answer.
I'm just starting out in the software industry and I've experienced my first couple of instances of being hit on by people I solely consider an industry colleague or contact.
It's a pretty disheartening feeling that I'm sure many of you are familiar with.
Considering I'm just starting out and I don't want to burn any bridges, but I also don't want to build the wrong kinds of bridges, what should I do?
Latest comments (17)
As long as there is sexuality as part of humanity, I don't think this will ever go away. Even the most aware, married, dedicated, asexual, robotic of us run into relationships that we would like to grow where the other person doesn't. (Not always sexual either)
That said, being frank about your purpose at a place and reminding people of that has been effective for me. Staying on topic and drawing people back on topic has a sobering and rationalizing effect on reasonable people. If the interested party doesn't clue in from subtlety, don't be subtle. If the flirtation continues after that point, you have crossed the line into harassment and I would consider reporting that person to HR.
I think the only way to build the wrong bridge would be to use the other person's attraction to your advantage. Other than that, if you don't feel it, say so with gusto. If you are in a healthy shop, you will be respected for this. This kind of emotional clarity is super helpful. If you are in a Bro-gramming zone and didn't know you were, this will show you the truth and that you should leave. Soon.
My $.02
Congrats, you are, for now, attractive enough to draw conspecifics' attentions. If you wear a faux "wedding ring" you will filter out gentlemen. Or mention a boyfriend verbally.
Attractiveness fades, enjoy the ego boost, don't stress, unless they persist, then document.
--Jealous
I'm sorry. It doesn't do any good to say that you shouldn't have to deal with this problem, because you do.
If it's at ALL possible, I play oblivious. Sometimes it's not, and I say, "No, thanks." Making excuses just encourages boundary-free jerks to try a rules-lawyer around them. If they keep it up, go to your manager (not HR). Save any sketchy emails you send or get to a non-work location. If your manager passes the buck, start looking for another job. I know it's hard to believe, but there are less terrible places out there.
And, this is the unfairest of all - Don't trust them. Not your hotel room number, your personal phone, your home address. Don't drink anywhere near work. Almost all bartenders will give you a non-alcoholic drink in a drink glass if you ask.
Find allies. The queer-looking women with bright hair have been playing this game long enough that they can usually help you at an event. (not all of them, but a lot). Find the slacks, the communities, the backchannel communications. I can't tell you where the door to Narnia is for you, but I promise that there is a place you can slip into and get help from other people.
The definition of "hitting on" is vague...
Before you're anything else you're human, and it is natural human behavior to romantically couple. Very frequently those are born from working relationships simply due to the amount of time spent together. Politely declining is an important skill.
Clearly, lines may be crossed and frequently are. I don't know why, I don't understand why. The best thing you can do is document, document, document. You will need to present a strong case whenever escalation is necessary - talking to your manager/supervisor, HR, going to court for a restraining order, going to court for violations of that restraining order.
I hope you don't have to deal with that.
Want a man's perspective?
So, first, let me make some assumptions: I'll assume that you are female and the colleagues/contacts are male. I'll further assume you're in a "western" - ie, American or European - culture. If these are incorrect assumptions, you can ignore the "second".
Second, the average American or European is more likely to strike up a romantic relationship at work than anywhere else (in person, anyway - internet dating is probably on a par). Outside of work, the opportunities to strike up a conversation with a woman are few, and often frowned upon. If your industry is tech-related, then sadly we have a dearth of female colleagues and contacts, so the opportunities in work are few and far between as well. Given all this, women in tech get more romantic attention than they probably want, but for the majority of men in the industry, it's simply a rare opportunity to find a potential girlfriend without having to approach a woman entirely cold - and that in turn is heavily frowned upon.
I say all this not because it's okay for dozens of men to hit on you, but in order that you understand that men trying to shift a relationship from purely professional to something else is not in itself a malaise of the industry, it's just a byproduct of a combination of social pressures and an unfortunate minority of women in the industry.
So, you are, unfortunately, going to get more attention than you want - and the individual men doing the "hitting" are going to be blissfully unaware that they're doing anything to annoy you. Men are rarely in the situation of being the only man in a sea of women, constantly being hit on, and would probably think it sounded quite good - until they considered the reality.
And so we move onto thirdly... What can you do about it? I can't give much advice - you'd be amazed, but men hardly ever hit on me - but I can tell you a few things to do.
As I point out, however, I'm a man, and so thankfully haven't been in your situation. Good luck.
I'd say be blunt upfront. But politely decline. It's good to get rid of this in the very beginning before it becomes something else.
You'll never be able to keep everyone happy, it's life.
I for one have been blunt if you get the hint in it. It has always worked just fine.Except for one time. But that's how it is.
I'm a little surprised that everyone jumps immediately to harassment. If you express disinterest directly and it persists, then that's harassment. If they take the hint and drop it, it's just somebody trying to do what people do.
I do agree with everyone that you should not feel pressured to just let unwanted advances continue to protect your career. That is nonsense.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this nonsense - and make no mistake, it is nonsense and you should not have to worry about it, your response to it, or the other party's response to your response, so on and so forth.
In your shoes, I've done the whole "change the subject" thing with varying degrees of success. You don't need to feel shame, embarrassment, or remorse saying "Let's keep this professional!" or "Hey, that's not the way I want to talk with my coworkers, ok?" or (mileage may vary with this one), I've had some luck with a gentle aside: "Please stop reminding me of my gender." That one seems to make folks stop and think (sometimes :/).
Regardless of how you handle these situations, please remember - you weren't the one who got yourself into it. Please don't be afraid to reach out for help from people that you trust whenever this happens!
Early in my career, I had a co worker who persistently hit on me. She typically did so in a humorous way. It became a running joke around the office. Sometimes it was uncomfortable, but I consistently declined or ignored her (half-joking) advances and kept a good sense of humor about it. After a while, it died down. We worked together for a year or so (in different departments). Looking back nearly 2 decades later, the memories of it make me chuckle and I hope she is doing well. That's not advice, just my experience.
Hello,
That's not an easy question, the context, the company's culture and the mindset of the two people are important for such problem.
I will assume that you started a few weeks ago, and it has not been too far.
The only advice I would give is: keep it professional.
Do not disclose anything private about yourself. Sometime you can get "trapped" in group discussion, and people will ask you something private. Just laugh and respond something obviously wrong.
If people send you invitation through Facebook, reject them. Send them another one through LinkedIn instead.
Read, read, read, a lot, about anything. Read until you're able to start a conversation with almost anyone about anything that interest them. When people talk to you at work, ask them to talk about their current projects. And talk about yours. Talk about anything technical that you have read and you would like to share.
Keep it professional :)