The Dark Side of Grinding: Burnout, Balance, and Identity

🧠 What is happiness, really?

Ask different people, get different answers.
For some, it’s building. For others, it’s connection.
For many, it’s a quiet feeling of peace that sneaks up on you between chaotic moments.

But underneath it all, our emotions are deeply biological.

Happiness, fulfillment, motivation — they’re not random. They’re chemical.

We feel it through a balance of four key brain chemicals:

• Dopamine: the buzz of chasing goals and progress
• Serotonin: grounded peace, confidence, self-worth
• Oxytocin: emotional connection, closeness, trust
• Endorphins: physical joy, stress relief, laughter

“When all four are in sync, we feel unstoppable. But when one takes over — like the dopamine from grinding or the oxytocin from social validation— everything goes off-balance.”

This is the story of how I’ve felt each of those states at the extreme — and what it taught me about building a life that actually works.

💨 Phase 1: The Rebel Dopamine Spike

During school years, I felt most alive doing all the wrong things.

Skipping school. Stealing money from parents. Smoking. Hanging out with the worst influences.

We were wild — and it felt amazing.

Adrenaline. Dopamine. Brotherhood.The bond with those friends? That was oxytocin, in a weird way.

It was all toxic, sure — but in the moment, it made me feel seen. Alive. Important. And that’s what every kid wants.

Until I got caught.
And everything collapsed.

💻 Phase 2: The Lone Builder Era

The crash triggered a transformation — but not a graceful one.

My world kind of collapsed.

Parents were disappointed. I was pulled out of school, forced into homeschooling to keep me away from bad influences.

And I felt… lost. Alone. Ashamed. Like I had no one.

So I turned inward — toward tech.

Not because I wanted to get rich or build cool things — but because I needed something, anything, that could make me feel okay again.

“Coding became my escape. My new drug. My identity.”

I cut off everyone. I didn’t just lose toxic friends — I disconnected from everyone. No school. No social life. Just me, my laptop, and the grind.

And I went all in.

I got my first dev job very early soon after 2yrs of self learning to code. Then another. And another. And another… I climbed fast. I:

• Built front-ends for major U.S. homeschooling platforms
• Joined many hackathons solving real-world issues like police accountability in Chicago
• Developed trading tools for one of the largest financial firms
• Contributed to some of the most prominent open-source projects
• Spoke at international conferences online and in-person
• etc…

From the outside, I looked unstoppable.

But inside? I was emotionally empty.

I was living off purely on dopamine — the thrill of building, shipping, winning. But I had no calm, no connection, no physical vitality. Just fast food, code, and screen time.

“I didn’t enjoy my life where I was — not because of the work, but because the people around me didn’t share my energy, my goals, or my mindset. I felt like a stranger in my own world.”

I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t happy either. I was just… functional.

And that’s sometimes the most dangerous place to be — because it convinces you to stay stuck.

🌅 Phase 3: Rebirth in Europe

Then, I moved to Europe.

And everything — everything — changed.

After years of isolation, self-imposed pressure, and emotional numbness… I stepped into a new environment, and it felt like I could finally breathe.
For the first time in my life:

• I had sunlight on my skin daily
• I had real, human connection
• I was surrounded by a different vibe — people who were alive, expressive, present

And I started rebuilding myself from the ground up.

I joined a boxing gym.
Started lifting weights. I dropped 25kg of fat.

I went from extremely overweight to fit, strong, confident.

I completely cut out fast food. Cleaned up my diet.
Started fueling and training my body like an athlete.

I built up my experience with dating, flirting, romance, and intimacy — stuff I never had space for in the grind years.

I learned what it means to give pleasure, to connect deeply, to be desired — and to desire back, with confidence.

I trained my social skills like I trained my muscles: with intention, patience, and reps.

And slowly… I began to love being in my own skin.

I started having fun again. Laughing. Meeting people. Building friendships that weren’t just social — they were soul-aligned.

For the first time, happiness didn’t come from proving myself — it came from being myself.
And chemically? My system was finally in harmony:

• Serotonin from sunlight, fitness, and daily movement
• Oxytocin from real friendships and emotional connection
• Endorphins from training and sweating and pushing my body
• Dopamine still there — but no longer running the show

“It wasn’t a grind anymore. It was alignment.”

😵‍💫 But Here’s Where It Gets Complicated…

For the past 9 months… Coding has been the least of my priorities. And I’ve felt good. Really good.

But also… really guilty.

Because I used to love building. I used to wake up excited to create.

Now, the thought of coding for hours feels… draining.

Like something I’ve outgrown, even though it once defined me.

Which is crazy — because I’m full of insane ideas to build.

And I’ve never been sharper — mentally, physically, emotionally.

But I feel rusty. Hesitant. Unmotivated.

And maybe… I’m scared.

“Scared that falling back in love with coding will cost me the life I fought to build. Scared that productivity will once again become a prison.”

🔭Here’s What I’ve Learned

“You haven’t lost your passion. You’ve just outgrown the reason you used to work.”

I used to build to survive. To feel seen. To escape. To prove something.

Now, I want to create from joy, not fear.

From expression, not validation.

I want to build something that fits the life I’ve designed — not replaces it.
Because one thing I know for sure:

Whatever I pour my mind and soul into…I master.

Tech.

Boxing.

Nutrition.

Social life.

Romance.

Even rebuilding my own body from scratch.

So the mission now isn’t to pick one.

It’s to build a life where all of me gets to exist — in balance.

💡 The Line That Changed Everything

"Build your social life around your mission - not as an escape from it."

When I first read that… I froze.
Because it hit too close.
I realized I had spent the past few months doing the opposite.
Surrounding myself with good people - but not mission-aligned ones.
Going out. Hanging out. Socializing… but drifting.
And here's the truth:
When your social life isn't aligned with your purpose, it starts to erode it. Slowly. Silently.

🏡 Environment Shapes Everything

“You don’t rise to the level of your goals — you fall to the level of your environment.”

Lately, I’ve been living in Aveiro — a small, slow city in Portugal.

Peaceful? Yes.
But uninspiring.
Surrounded by retired people… and young people with no ambition.

And when you’re around people with no fire,your flame dims too.

I started to feel retired. Lazy. Unmotivated.

Like I was waiting for life to happen again.

And that’s when it hit me:

“Where you live isn’t just a location — it’s an operating system. It rewires your habits, your energy, your identity.”

🥊 A New Chapter — Not a Reset, a Merge

I’m moving again…this time to the capital — Lisbon.

Not to run away — but to realign.

Because I don’t need to become someone new.

I just need to create space for all the versions of me to coexist:

• The builder
• The competitive boxer
• The romantic
• The social connector
• The ambitious grinder
• The calm, grounded one

“You don’t have to choose between the driven you, the social you, or the peaceful you. You’re allowed to build a life where all of them belong."

This next move isn’t about escape — it’s about integration.

A lifestyle designed to hold the balance I’ve earned.

• A co-working space full of creatives and builders at the heart of the capital
• A boxing gym where I can keep pushing myself for competing
• A neighborhood where energy is alive
• Routines that support clarity, movement, and stillness
• People who share momentum, not just moments

“If you’re not happy where you are — move!! You’re not a f*cking tree.”

💥 If You’re In That In-Between Place Too…

Then hear this:

• If your fire is fading… maybe your fuel needs to change.
• If your environment feels off… it’s okay to outgrow it.
• If you’re split between versions of yourself — don’t choose. Build the container that holds them all.

For me, it took stepping out of Europe — back to the place where my grind began — to finally connect the dots. I saw the driven, isolated version of me… and the free, expressive, connected version I’d become. And I realized: I need both.

Before that, I thought Europe-me was the answer. But it turns out, neither version is complete on its own.

Balance doesn’t mean mediocrity. It means creating space where your ambition and your aliveness don’t have to compete — they can coexist.