You have met your mentor every month for a year, and the early sessions changed how you work. Lately something has shifted. They keep suggesting you go for the team lead role, and you are not sure you want it. Their advice about your manager would make sense at their company, but yours works differently. You leave each session nodding, then do something else, and you have started to dread the calendar reminder.
The tempting response is to say nothing and let the meetings slowly fade. That is a shame, because your mentor almost certainly has no idea. They can only see what you show them, and what you have been showing them is a polite nod.
Good mentors want to know when their help is not helping. It is one of the hardest things for them to find out, because people tend to be grateful and agreeable towards someone giving up their time for free. Telling them is not ungrateful. It is the kind of feedback they rarely get.
Start with what has worked, and mean it. The way you helped me prepare for my first design review changed how I approach them. Then be specific about what has changed. I have realised I do not want to move into management, at least for now, and I think some of our conversations have been aimed at that.
Say what you need instead, as clearly as you can. I would find it more useful to talk about getting deeper on the technical side. Or, my company is quite different from yours, so could we spend more time on how you would approach the problem and less on what you would do? Most mentors will adjust immediately, and many will be relieved to have something more precise to work with.
If their advice about your workplace keeps missing, explain the context they cannot see. They are working from their own experience, and a few sentences about how your company makes decisions can make the next piece of advice far more useful.
And sometimes the honest answer is that the relationship has done its job. You can say that kindly too. I have learned a lot from you this year, and I think I am ready to try things on my own for a while. Could I still get in touch when something big comes up? Ending well is better than drifting away, and it keeps the door open.
– Asael Shinder
Top comments (1)
A rather profound observation. A mentor's wisdom may guide our beginnings, but growth sometimes demands a different perspective. I particularly appreciate your emphasis on gratitude without sacrificing honest communication. Knowing when to outgrow old guidance is, in itself, a mark of maturity. A truly worthwhile read!