Today was my birthday. I'm 19 now.
And I genuinely hate it.
The Birthday
Not in the "I don't have friends" crying way. I have friends. I have family. Got plenty of wishes. People showed up.
We celebrated at night for about an hour. Cake, some laughs, the usual birthday stuff.
Then I headed back to my room.
And that's when everything came back.
The Mental Attacks
All the shit I thought I escaped? It was just waiting.
Walked into my room and it all hit at once. Every negative thought, every bit of self-hatred, everything I've been pushing down for days.
No reason for it. Birthday was fine. People were nice. Nothing objectively bad happened.
But birthdays do this to me. Always have.
What Birthdays Actually Are
It's not about celebrating. It's about counting.
Counting everyone who's not there anymore. Everyone you lost over the past year. Everyone who used to wish you happy birthday and doesn't anymore.
Birthdays are a yearly reminder of who left. Who stopped caring. Who moved on.
And yeah, new people show up. But you still remember the ones who didn't.
That's what gets me. Not the absence of people now, but the presence of people who aren't there anymore.
The Breakdown I Almost Had
Almost lost it today. Genuinely almost had a full breakdown.
Managed to hold it together somehow. Don't know how. Just did.
Spent the whole day hating myself for no reason. Just this low-level self-hatred running in the background while I went through the motions.
Celebrated. Smiled. Said thanks for the wishes. Then went back to hating everything about myself.
The Exam
Had ICEMV exam today too.
All theory. Easy stuff. Just write what you know and leave.
At least that was straightforward. One thing today that didn't mess with my head.
Tomorrow's Problem
PPL exam tomorrow. On a Sunday. Because apparently we don't deserve weekends.
Prolog, lambda calculus, OCaml. Functional programming hell.
Haven't studied. At all. It's night now and I'm just staring at the material knowing one night won't be enough.
Heard this exam is genuinely hard. Not the "people complain but it's fine" hard. Actually difficult.
So I'm probably doomed. Again.
But at least tomorrow isn't my birthday.
Shutting Up Now
Don't want to be that person who complains about birthdays when objectively mine was fine.
Got friends. Got family. Got wishes. Nothing to complain about on paper.
But birthdays still suck. They just do. The number goes up and so does the list of people who aren't around anymore.
Nineteen. One year closer to twenty four. One more year of people lost along the way.
Day F10. Birthday done. PPL exam tomorrow. Still here, still hating it, still going.
Let's get through Sunday and pretend today didn't happen.
If you also hate your birthday for no logical reason, you're not alone. Sometimes things just suck even when they shouldn't.
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