This is a tech log but my tech gang needs to hear this.
The Workout-Work Loop
People say you can't work without a healthy body. True.
What I realized: you also can't workout without actually working, like being productive during the day.
If I'm scrolling all day, doing nothing productive, my brain's mush. When I go to the gym with a mush brain, I can't lift properly. The connection isn't there.
But when I'm actually working—coding, building, solving problems—my brain's sharp. And when my brain's sharp, my body responds. I lift better. Move better. Everything clicks.
It's a loop. Work feeds workout. Workout feeds work. Mess up one side and the whole thing falls apart.
The Thought I Had
"Don't ask me to love myself. You'll be doomed cause I hate everyone once I start loving myself."
Been sitting with that one. Not sure if it's true or just edgy bullshit I tell myself. But it feels real.
Right now I have enough self-hate to keep pushing. To not stop. To keep going even when everything sucks.
Maybe that's toxic. Maybe that's what works for me. I don't know yet.
The Exam Week From Hell
Exams every single day from tomorrow through Sunday.
Yeah. Sunday. They're making us take exams on Sunday.
It's 8:30pm already. I have zero prep. I know it's over for me. The panic should be setting in but honestly? I'm just numb to it at this point.
No gym this week. Which means the loop breaks. Which means the work suffers. Which means I'm even more doomed.
But whatever. Survive the week. That's the goal.
Why December Will Be Different
Despite this week being a disaster, I know December's gonna hit.
The weight I'm lifting got better recently. My body's responding even when my brain's a mess. That's progress.
And once these exams are done? I'm done feeding ungrateful people. Done trying to maintain friendships that don't work. Done pretending I care about social stuff.
December is for me. For the code. For the gym. For building things that matter.
I'm ready to work. Finally. After wasting months trying to be normal.
What People Think of Me
Found out recently what my vibe is to other people.
A girl said I give off "dark, nerdy, moody, introverted book character" energy. Yeah. That tracks.
A friend said I always look carefree. Like everything just happens for me effortlessly. Like I don't even try.
That one's funny because I'm constantly dying inside. But I guess the outside doesn't show it. Good poker face or just dead inside? Unclear.
Either way, it's interesting to know. The dark nerdy vibe fits. The effortless thing is cap but I'll take it.
This Week vs Next Month
This week: doomed. Back to back exams. No prep. No gym. Just survival mode.
Next month: my time. Everything I've been building toward. The work, the lifting, the focus.
I've got enough self-hate to fuel me through anything. And once I start loving myself? Everyone else better watch out.
Or maybe that's just what I tell myself to keep going. Who knows.
Day F7. One week of hell, then freedom.
Let's survive this.
To everyone grinding through exam hell: we're all doomed together. See you on the other side.
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