The Recovering Impostor

In this post I set out my experience struggling with the infamous impostor syndrome, with only recently some mild success.

tl;dr

Impostor syndrome, or work-related anxiety, can be battled quite effectively by regularly reflecting one's insecurities using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

Background

ℹ️ The jargon
In my case, and for many others, impostor syndrome is a form of work-related anxiety and insecurity.

Wikipedia defines it as:

Impostor syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts his or her accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud"

There are a few interesting terms in this definition that completely cover the feelings related to this form of anxiety: doubt, fear and exposed. These perfectly describe the circular thinking that is the downwards spiral of this specific anxiety.

🖼️ The situation

My secret: I'm not educated in Computer Science. Well, not on an academic level anyway, and that's all that matters. So I go around saying say I'm not educated in CS. Of course, that's not true at all, any level of education matters, and many would say experience counts way more. But you'll see that this is a trend: Downplaying your knowledge, skills and accomplishments is the main symptom.

I would describe myself as self-taught and pragmatic : A do-er. I started working full-time back in 2007 and quickly found work as a junior developer. This was the time of mysql_connect and IE6 was still dominant. I don't look back at it fondly. The recession of 2009 hit and I decided to start working as a fixed-price contractor, modernizing flows for SMB enterprises in my local area. Things were good for a few years, I was in my own bubble and working hard. Then suddenly unexpected financial setback split my company up and I decided to go back to freelancing as a senior developer.

This decision changed everything.

I had been indirectly in contact with my peers of course, but being in a team and working with people who worked smarter, faster and better then me impacted me more then I ever anticipated. I got stressed out during work when delivering code or discussing technical concepts. They know more than me, they are better than me, what must they think of me? I began to loathe coming in to work, and feeling joy when clocking out. I began to develop the habit of not speaking my mind and not exposing myself.

💥 The impact

This infinite loop of self-judgement has put an incredible pressure on me over the years. Half of the time I can't even think straight. I've stopped doing side-projects, don't contribute to any FOSS and avoid unnecessary challenges. I'm a freelancer: this anxiety is killing my productivity, love for my work, and if I don't look out it could start hurting my income.

Analysis

🔍 Reflecting

Reflecting on all this, my anxiety boils down to:

1. Doubt in my abilities:

• Due to going "self-taught route" (no academic background).
• Lack of quick theoretical knowledge during conceptual talks.

2. Fear of what happens if my doubts are true:

• Not trusting in my own abilities.
• Self-judgement, not believing in myself: "I'm sure I can't ever understand that fully".

3. Live under the assumption I will be exposed:

• The code I check-in today could be the reason I'm exposed.
• This API architecture discussion could be the reason I'm exposed.

However, there is a lot of proof that my anxiety is (mostly) unfounded. My peers and colleagues consistently tell me I'm quite capable and a real asset. Short-term contracts have been extended for months, sometimes even years. I've never been fired (read: exposed).

There's also the fact that there are a lot more capabilities that define a "good" developer. Being good with people, being able to handle stress, being able to juggle stakeholder demands, not being a complete 💩. There are many people that would even say that technical knowledge is not what makes a senior developer "Senior", it's actually the soft skills that are most important.

I tried telling myself all of the above for many years. Guess what: I'm still struggling.

🧠 Cognitive behavioral therapy

Instead of telling myself that there's proof and that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, there's an alternative: CGT.

I learned about CGT, or "proofing myself otherwise", during the recovery process my wife went through after she had a burn-out. Her symptoms were strangely familiar. She came home one day with this technique, and I soon began to see the benefits of this concept.

Basic tenents of CBT

Source: Wikipedia

The concept is that you answer a list of questions to challenge your negative thoughts. These challenges make you reflect on the difference between your thoughts and the facts. Afterwards you should feel (slighly) better about these thoughts. This technique greatly helped my wife in recovery, and I am currently beginning to follow suit.

Whenever I am confronted with fear or doubt about myself, I try to answer the following questions:

• Define the negative thought.
• How strong is this negative thought? (0% - 100%)
• How accurate is this negative thought?
• Evaluate the evidence for and against this thought.
• How strong is the original negative thought (0% - 100%)

The result should be that the strength of the negative though decreases, because you are evaluating the reasoning behind it. After doing this exercise for a while I am beginning to see progress. We can't change ourselves in a day, especially not if something has been building up for years. But sticking with this process will yield better results than staying fearful.

👜 Takeaways

• Be aware of your negative thoughts
• Challenge your negative thoughts
• Be consistent
• Stay at it, it can be a long road to recovery

But remember, it's worth it if you end up feeling better!