What surprises me constantly these days is how the socially awkward loner from his college days is now a very socially active individual. I think the best part of the work I do and the career I pursue is having the opportunity to meet incredibly talented and ambitious people. I really like getting to know them, and there is a lot of wonderful and interesting things I get to learn from them. People think that I am 'networking.' I think going out of my way to meet people for the express purpose of finding use for them is a terrible way to approach this concept. For one thing, these being very smart people, would smell that from a mile away. Being disingenuous like that would be a terrible waste of my time.
I am not saying that ‘networking' has not helped me in my work. There has already been two instances where I was able to directly add value to the projects I was working on through my 'network' or ‘networking skills.’ But I see these as happy coincidences. What I am genuinely trying to do is getting to know people, their journeys and the challenges they face. And one of the most unfortunate challenge I often hear people going through is dealing with difficult managers at work.
Understanding Difficult Managers
First of all, I feel it is important to separate the 'art from the artist’ as my friend Kevin put it. I have incredible respect for people who go into management. It is not an easy job. Managing people and processes on top of their personal lives must be incredibly hard work. I cannot imagine the kind of challenges they have to go through. Especially, if the company requires them to make some hard decisions. At the end of the day they are just human beings trying to make sense of this phenomenon we call life.
One of my friends strongly believes that people are inherently good. I don't quite agree with her. I think people just are. The characteristics of someone, from your point of view, is a derivative of your interpretation of the subset of information you have on them. To put it simply, your opinion of someone is simply one prospective and is probably not objective in the complete sense. Without getting into moral philosophy I would like to simply state that there is, in fact, such a thing as an objective truth in this universe but its interpretation is often times subjective. So however bad the actions might seem to us, people are generally just going through their own set of circumstances the best they can. The fact that it is making your life miserable is sad but it does not necessarily make them a bad person.
To follow up on that thought, it might just be you who has issues with them. Not in the sense that it is all in your head. Sometimes, making it look like a you problem is one of the ways difficult managers try to control the situation. Rather than that, maybe it is something about your interactions, your situation or something you did in the past that is bringing out all this sad business. Like mentos and soda putting you and your manager together causes an uncontrollable reaction. From how I see it, drawing fault in either of the parties is probably the most unproductive ways to go about this. Having said that, I would like to make it perfectly clear that I am not a difficult manager apologist. With due respect to them we must draw a line where it feels unacceptable. Regardless of their personal philosophies or organizational pressures, it must be made clear that the line exists.
Protecting Your Mental Space
Now, before boring you more with my personal philosophies, I would like to start off with a general piece of advice: cease and desist. Please, for the love of God, no job or personal achievement is worth putting your mental well-being in jeopardy. If you can, please quit. Often times we logic ourselves into why we cannot. We become too comfortable with our circumstances. So I would like you to consider trying a mechanism employed by the Stoics called Negative Visualization. Imagine the worst-case scenario you could realistically be in and try to conjure the feelings that would come over you if you were in that situation. This technique helps you appreciate the good things in your life. But now I would like you to take this a step further. Imagine the worst off person in the world that you think could realistically exist. Maybe a pregnant mother at a war-savaged country. Is your worst case scenario worse than that? I would have a hard time believing you if you are well off enough to be reading this article and still say yes. Exceptions do exist, in which case I am very sorry about your misfortune. I wish this world was a nicer place for everyone. But as Hank Green had put it 'The world is not a wish granting factory.’
By ‘quitting,’ I don’t necessarily mean resigning from your job. Rather, I mean choosing to disengage from unproductive conflict and investing your energy in things you can control. Quitting may come in all shapes and sizes. For example, you could quit struggling against this person and appeal to their ego. Difficult managers often exhibit narcissistic tendencies. This is a natural phenomena--power often attracts individuals with these tendencies. I am not asking you to be fake or to give up on your values. Every person is a bundle of good and bad. Simply noticing and appreciating the good things would be enough. The goal is to try and achieve a situation where you get out of their way and they cannot get in your way. Take away all the leverages that could be used against you. Personally, I have had the privilege to take some disarming actions. When my salary expectations were not met I cut down on my expenses significantly. When my career progression seemed to have stagnated I chose to pivot to a different career. And at the worst case scenario I am prepared to go back to my God forsaken country to start over from scratch. I am sure your situation is very different. I would encourage you to brainstorm possible solutions to cater to your own situations.
What matters more than winning is that you are happy. And happiness can be had even in the worst of situation simply by lowering your expectations. This is important because I think it is quite hard to achieve things at work when we are not happy with ourselves. So I sincerely hope that you can create a status quo where you can first work on yourselves. Take care of your mental health. Take care of your physical health. Take care of your personal relationships. What good is any of it if you cannot enjoy this life you are working so hard for? Take up hobbies. Help people around you. Giving without any expectations is its own kind of reward. Make your corner of the world a better place. When you feel comfortable in your own skin, then you can think of addressing the status quo.
Recognizing Toxic Patterns
Finally, on the offensive side of the situation, it is important to validate our assumptions. We should be comfortable with being wrong. Fortunately, it is a sufficiently documented case. If appealing to their egos already worked, then you know you are on the right track. Let me try and describe some ways to identify difficult managers. Please note I am addressing the behaviour and not trying to vilify the person.
The difficult manager does not care about you or your situations. They will always try to push their own personal agenda. They will aggressively guard information and create an environment of fear and secrecy. There will be a disparaging lack of psychological safety. During incidents they will not openly work with you or admit fault. Instead, they will try to illustrate why everything is your fault. Things you say to your colleagues will somehow reach their ears. You will find that your most brilliant and outspoken colleagues do not get promoted. Favoritism without any objective evaluation or unfair evaluation would be their weapons of choice. You will see documented instances of dysfunction within the team yet the manager will do nothing to publicly address these situations. They will not try to foster unity and trust within the team. They will only promote initiative they can take credit for.
When HR Gets Involved
I hope you all agree that all of this is terrible for you and the company. But things often escalates when it eventually gets to you and either side feel it necessary to involve HR. I have not yet personally experienced the full process yet but I have had people close to me go through this. The playbook is roughly the same. There is some form of mediation followed by one of the following three outcomes: either you or your manager admits fault and a course of action is agreed, you switch managers or you get fired. There is another outcome but I think it's unlikely and not a productive pursuit.
It is a tough situation to be in. And the worst part is that people around you get caught in the crossfire. If you are in a situation where things might escalate a good strategy might be to start collecting evidence for when shit hits the fan. At the end of the day, despite how much you overthink, it is an insignificant event when scaled against all of life. So I suggest to not waste time meandering the outcomes and just let the experience unfold.
Call to Community
To conclude, If you are going through this then I am incredibly sorry. If you do not agree with me then I am incredibly curious to know why. Please share your own stories and how you’ve dealt with a difficult boss. I would love to learn from it. One of my biggest fears is being insensitive towards the world around me because of the kind of person I am. Which is why I am actively trying to practice empathy and kindness. I sincerely care about your opinions and hope to hear from you. Please feel free to reach out however you feel comfortable. I hope to be a good listener.
You deserve a workplace where you can thrive, not just survive. If you’re in the thick of it, I hope you’ll take the next small step — whether it’s finding support, making a plan, or simply giving yourself grace.
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