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Cover image for 4 Simple Tips to Better Communication for devs. (or how to avoid conflict, confusion, and talk to people).

4 Simple Tips to Better Communication for devs. (or how to avoid conflict, confusion, and talk to people).

leogopal profile image Leo Gopal Originally published at leogopal.com on ・5 min read

If I were to look back over my last decade in the tech world and pick one thing as my single best decision as a developer - I'd say choosing to study psychology rather than computer science.

The most significant impact studying psychology had was on my communication skills, which, as a developer, put me in a very wonderfully unique position.

The improvement in communication has had many benefits, to name a few:

  • Understanding that people (clients, colleagues, friends) all want to feel a specific emotion and what they are asking for is what they believe would give them that - aim for the feeling.
  • It can avoid confusion by being able to talk fluently to clients, project/product/marketing managers, as well as my dev teams.
  • Improved communication skills reduce conflicts, upset clients, damaging relationships.
  • Communication skills also improve relationship building, grow your network, build rapport, and ultimately be someone no one finds unapproachable.
  • BONUS Side-effect: Being a developer is no longer all your limited to being.

With the new landscape of the developer career ecosystem, I find that those who are good at many things and master of nothing specific are progressing most significantly.

I am not a master at anything. 

Jack of all trades, master of none, but often better than a master of one. 

Now, for those 4 Simple Tips, I promised you. These little tips or practices have been in my communication toolbelt for quite sometime. I recently read a great book, which helped add more structure to what I was already doing: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (non-aff link here).

TL;DR 

Here are the four language tips for the impatient ;) (keep reading if you want to understand them with greater clarity):

  1. Choose observation language without evaluation or judgment based language.
  2. Share how this observation makes you feel without implying blame or accusation.
  3. Share the need you have; that is the reason for this feeling.
  4. Make requests of what you feel with satisfying the need you have without demanding.

It is also important to realize that any communication should be a giving and receiving pastime.

The foundation of better communication in either direction is to remember this fundamental goal:

  1. When expressing: Communicate how you are without the language of blame, criticism, or judgment.
  2. When listening: Hear how you are, empathetically, without hearing blame, criticism, or judgment.

BONUS: Listening well can often be more powerful than talking well.

By sharing and expressing oneself in a way that offers to share how you feel and your perspective without language that places the other person as the reason for how you feel also allows you an avenue to being more honest and transparent (without feeling guilty or fearing conflict).

Sharing more allows for more understanding and empathy from others as they now know you better and where you are in perspective. Ultimately, this approach forces the interpersonal connection by acknowledging wants, needs, actions, and desires.

1. Observations over evaluations

State what you know to be accurate, over leading to evaluation about it.

Instead of: 

"You're unreliable and wasted my time."

Use: 

"We had a meeting today (fact) which you did not make it attend (fact); I hope everything is ok (non-judgment), is there a better time we can schedule? (solution)"

People are likely to disagree with evaluation based statements as they may have different core values which allow for miscommunication over resolution.

2. Express how this observation makes you feel.

Naming the emotion, without moral judgment, enables you to connect in a spirit of mutual respect and cooperation. This expression allows you to express yourself without shaming them for their feelings or preventing them from feeling the way they do.

Instead of: 

"I think you are disrespectful of others' time and selfish when you miss a meeting like today."

Use:

"I feel concerned when you miss a meeting without informing us; I feel letting me know would have allowed me to use that time better."

3. Share the need/value that is the cause of the feeling.

All of our emotional reactions to what happens around us very often stem from a core need or value that we have and that we wish to acquire.

Sharing this need without judgment allows us to both understand what we want at a deeper level and offers clarity to the other in how they may help us achieve this or, at the very least, empathize through understanding where our needs are.

4. Make a gentle request that satisfies this need.

Especially when emotions are peaked, we often share, unhelpfully, how we are feeling now, and how much this is not what we want to be feeling. Behavior like this does not move one any closer to the feelings we do want to have - and very often, it stops us from ever getting there at all.

If we do share what we need, we tend to communicate it as a demand, not a request - this strips the other of their right of consent and their desire to help. If this demand is met, it is far less out of voluntary desire; and more out of pressure, guilt, or compliance.

It is far better to have someone want to help you than it is to have that have to help you.

Instead of:

"I set up another meeting at the same time tomorrow; please don't waste my time again."

Use:

"This progress of this project is important to me, and I need to feel secure that you can get it done; Can you help me by giving me a few meeting times that you are sure you would be able to attend. This certainty will help me feel more confident in our partnership."

In-conclusion-ipsum

These four simple communication practices, although seemingly obvious, when practiced mindfully, can deeply improve all areas of one's communication and interactions with others.

If we use these practices in our self-talk and be more understanding and forgiving of our flaws, we stand a chance to improve our relationship with ourselves - and let the cup floweth over.

Did you find these tips useful?

Do you have any tips or stories of your own when you felt a practice or mindset improved your communication? 

Please share your story, let's communicate :)

The post 4 Simple Tips to Better Communication for devs. (or how to avoid conflict, confusion, and talk to people). appeared first on Leo Gopal.

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Leo Gopal

@leogopal

I write code and poetry; sometimes they are the same.

Discussion

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Great stuff! Communication is so important, as I've learned in the last few years. If you're confident in your communication skills, then there's very little holding you back.

Observations over evaluations

Love this suggestion -- sounds a practical way to frame things.

 

Glad you liked some of it Murray.
And definitely, we are social beings, at the end of the day. Everything we do is communication, we just don't often realise what we are saying.

 

Exactly! Everything you do says something about you. It took me a while to realise that.

What's awesome is that communication skills -- like most skills -- can be improved. The best part is here are so many opportunities to practise every day.

Like this very conversation thread.
Shows you enjoy reading and consuming knew knowledge, even if adjacent to the main topic, you are friendly, have a great bedside manner, and are able to emote well in the written form; which gives me the feeling that you are possibly introverted by nature but those who truly know you would say otherwise. ;)

Not particularly introverted, but I've definitely worked hard to improve my communication skills. It's been extremely rewarding! I love that so many other developers are doing the same.

 

First time I've heard about Observational language!! It really puts the issue as a third person which is really helpful as it makes the client understand you want to work as a team to get their issue solved!!
-Mic

 

Hey Mic! Great to see you here, glad you liked some of it, been a while since I been writing again :)

 

I actually came from LinkedIn and saw this! Writing is quite good I bet you used some kinda technique it's quite interesting!! 🔥

 

Great stuff. I'm a big fan of NVC.

I do have one concern. When you wrote:

I feel letting me know would have allowed me to use that time better.

I consider this to be a belief, and not a feeling. If the word feel is not immediately followed by a feeling (scared, upset, confident, etc...), then I take another look to see if it really is a feeling or if it is a belief in disguise.

I consider beliefs to be "higher level" and much less relatable than feelings.

What do you think?

 

Hey Kevin, thanks for the great reply and food for thought.

From practicing these concepts with clients daily, I often soften a belief by presenting it as a feeling where the feeling can be easily assumed - but only in cases where if the feeling itself were said, the other person my take on the guilt as if it were said to be caused by them even though that is what is being avoided - or attempted to.

Though, to footnote that though, I rarely do that in spoken communication as I am able to offer more nuance to the communication that pure written communication would do.