DEV Community

Cover image for I Made Dostoevsky Roast Tesla's SEO (and Built a Free CLI for It)
Ntty
Ntty

Posted on

I Made Dostoevsky Roast Tesla's SEO (and Built a Free CLI for It)

#seo #webdev #javascript #showdev

Article

What if Fyodor Dostoevsky reviewed your website's meta tags?

What if MrBeast screamed at you for not having a sitemap?

What if Trump declared your SEO "the worst he's ever seen"?

I built a CLI to find out.

npx seo-roast tesla.com --persona musk
Enter fullscreen mode Exit fullscreen mode

The Result: Musk Roasting His Own Company

Score: 57/100 (C)

"No meta description. That's fundamentally broken. Like launching a rocket without a guidance system."

"No robots.txt. You're running a website without traffic rules. Anarchy. I respect it, but Google doesn't."

"No sitemap.xml. You're making Googlebot guess your site structure. That's like asking someone to navigate Mars without a map."

How It Works

The tool scans 12 real SEO signals:

  1. Title tag (presence + length)
  2. Meta description (presence + length)
  3. H1 tags (presence + count)
  4. HTTPS
  5. Page load speed
  6. robots.txt
  7. sitemap.xml
  8. Canonical tag
  9. Viewport meta
  10. Image alt tags
  11. Script count
  12. HTML size

Then it picks persona-appropriate roast templates for each issue found and calculates a score from F to A.

My Favorite Results

MrBeast on Amazon — 42/100 (F):

"BRO. No meta description?! That's like uploading a YouTube video with no title. NOBODY is clicking on that. Fix it NOW."

"No sitemap! That's like having your BEST CONTENT buried where nobody can see it!"

Dostoevsky on Stripe — 62/100:

"66 scripts burden this page like sins upon a conscience. Each one adds weight. At some point, the page cannot bear it."

"602KB of HTML. So much content, yet one wonders — how much of it truly matters?"

Billie Eilish on Google — 47/100 (F):

"no meta description. so google just... guesses what your page is about. that's giving 'i don't care' energy. except you should care."

The Tech

  • Zero dependencies. Just Node.js native http/https modules
  • Zero API calls. No LLM, no external services. All templates
  • ~32KB total. 26 personas x ~20 roast templates each
  • ANSI colors via raw escape codes

The hardest part wasn't the scanner — it was writing 26 distinct voices that actually sound like the people. Dostoevsky's existential weight, MrBeast's ALL-CAPS energy, Billie's lowercase detachment, Trump's... well, Trump.

Try It 

# Random persona
npx seo-roast competitor.com

# Pick one
npx seo-roast mysite.com --persona tolkien

# See all 26
npx seo-roast --list
Enter fullscreen mode Exit fullscreen mode

26 personas: Hemingway, Dostoevsky, Tolkien, Orwell, Nabokov, Bulgakov, Christie, Proust, Bradbury, Strugatsky, Musk, Jobs, Bezos, Altman, Trump, Tarantino, Nolan, Reynolds, Keanu, MrBeast, Taylor Swift, Kanye, Zendaya, Chalamet, Billie Eilish.

GitHub: Citedy/seo-roast

Top comments (1)

Collapse
 
matthewhou profile image
Matthew Hou •

This is hilarious and actually useful. The persona-based review angle is smart — sometimes you need to see your work through absurdly different eyes to spot the obvious problems.

I've done something similar with AI prompts where I ask Claude to review code 'as a grumpy senior engineer who hates unnecessary complexity.' The feedback is more memorable than generic code review suggestions.