Last week, I passed an audit I was fully prepared to fail.
Not “maybe fail.”
Not “slightly unsure.”
Fail.
The kind where you’re already planning how you’ll explain yourself when everything starts falling apart.
But somehow… I passed.
And to be honest? I wasn’t even sure I deserved to.
Welcome to learning without a map
I’m currently learning software development at Zone01 Kisumu, where everything is peer-to-peer. No teachers. Just apprentices trying to figure things out, reviewing each other’s work, and occasionally pretending we understand what’s going on.
For the past two months, my learning journey has looked less like a straight line… and more like a circle.
Learn.
Unlearn.
Get confused.
Repeat.
At some point you even start asking yourself:
“Am I actually learning… or just surviving?”
The moment things stopped making sense
One project that really humbled me was ascii-art-web.
The task sounded simple enough:
Build a Go server and connect it to a web interface.
Simple… until it wasn’t.
Because just when I was starting to understand Go—just starting—HTML showed up like:
“Surprise 🙂”
Suddenly I wasn’t just thinking about logic anymore.
Now it was structure, templates, rendering…
At that point I just stared at my screen like:
“Wuod gi nyithindo, what is actually going on here?”
I didn’t fully understand what I was building.
But I still submitted it.
Because… what else are you going to do?
The real fear isn’t failure
Every time I hit “submit,” there’s a small moment of regret.
Like maybe if I close my laptop fast enough, the audit won’t happen.
Because the fear isn’t really failing.
It’s sitting in front of someone while they go through your code and ask:
“Why did you do this?”
And your brain just goes:
“We listen, we don’t judge.”
If I’m being honest, I’m less afraid of failing…
and more afraid of being exposed as someone who doesn’t fully understand what they’re doing.
The audit that almost ended me (but didn’t)
Then came net-cat.
Server. Client. Connections. Ports. Communication.
Big words. Serious things.
I walked into that audit already defeated.
And the auditor?
Very thorough. The kind who doesn’t just follow the questions—they expand them.
At some point, they started asking things that weren’t even on the audit sheet.
I remember thinking:
“Ah. This is where my journey ends.”
But somehow… I passed.
Passing without confidence is confusing
You’d think passing would feel amazing.
But instead, I just sat there wondering:
“Wait… so what exactly just happened?”
Because in my head, I was still the same person who didn’t fully get it.
That’s when something small shifted.
Instead of celebrating, I started seeing audits differently:
“Maybe this is not just a test… maybe this is where I actually learn the thing I thought I learned.”
What “not learning” really feels like
Let me be real.
There are days it feels like I’ve learned absolutely nothing.
Two months in… and sometimes I still feel like it’s day one.
You’re in a group discussion.
People are throwing around terms.
Debating solutions.
And you’re just there like:
“Yes… yes… I also agree… with… everything.”
Meanwhile, inside:
“Koro an gi wach matin… I am completely lost.”
And then the comparisons start.
“They understand this faster.”
“They explain things better.”
“They belong here.”
And you?
You’re not so sure.
But something is happening (quietly)
Even with all that confusion, there are small things that have changed.
I can push projects without struggling.
I understand my way around VS Code.
The terminal no longer feels like a place where mistakes go to multiply.
These aren’t big, dramatic wins.
But they matter.
Because a few weeks ago?
These same things felt impossible.
Maybe confidence isn’t the starting point
I used to think confidence comes first.
That one day I’d wake up and feel ready.
Now I’m starting to think that was a lie.
Because what’s actually happening is this:
You submit while unsure.
You get audited while nervous.
You pass… sometimes by surprise.
And slowly—very quietly—something starts to build.
Not loud confidence.
Not “I know everything now.”
Just a small, steady realization:
“I may not understand everything… but I’m not the same person I was when I started.”
So what does confidence mean to me right now?
It’s not clarity.
It’s not mastery.
It’s definitely not feeling ready.
Right now, confidence is much simpler than that.
It’s this:
Showing up. Submitting anyway. And refusing to quit.
Even when I feel lost.
Even when I can’t explain my own code properly.
Even when I’m sure I’m about to fail.
Because somehow… despite all that…
I’m still here.
Still learning.
Still confused.
Still moving forward.
And for now?
That’s enough.
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