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Wanted: Ninja Rockstar Code Monkey Hacker Unicorn

Randall Koutnik
Originally published at rkoutnik.com on ・2 min read

We’re looking for the best of the best - but as you can already tell from the title, we have no idea what that looks like. We want someone experienced enough to implement our ridiculous ideas but paradoxically lacking the experience to realize what a raw deal we’re offering. Work long hours to implement vague ideas with no autonomy for vague promises of getting rich one day. After all, money’s the only thing that motivates anyone, right? Coding isn’t a creative field, it’s just telling the computer what to do.

You’ll get to work with all of our C-levels as they order you around on a daily basis. We’re an “Agile” team, so long as that means cutting corners to meet sales deadlines. We practice HN-driven-development. Plan on working ~100+ hours a week during sprints. If that scares you, don’t apply. We don’t want people who are scared by silly things like reality.

Get in on the ground floor to a catastrophe that’s sure to hit the front page of TechCrunch!

Must haves:

  • White
  • Male
  • Unshakable confidence due to the Dunning-Kruger effect
  • No interest in a life outside of the company
  • 5 years of experience in a three-year-old technology

Nice to haves:

  • Enough knowledge to convince a non-technical person you’re an expert in a handful of bleeding-edge technologies
  • Sneering disdain for the proven tech you should be building with
  • A GitHub profile that shows you’re already willing to work for free in your off hours

Perks:

  • Yes you’ll get all the usual benefits, but if you’re really going for perks, Google is your best bet! If you want to make an impact, then please apply.
  • 401k? Hah, you won’t need that with how rich your sliver of equity will make you!
  • We’ll have a large variety of alcohol in the office as well as an assortment of video games for the perfect frat environment
  • Office located in trendy downtown district in order to burn VC cash faster

Salary: Something that we’ll claim is top-of-market but is well below. We’ll offer the low end of the range, citing lack of experience with some framework that hasn’t left beta.

Equity: 0.1% - 2% for the "right person".

Discussion (51)

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maxwell_dev profile image
Max Antonucci

5 years of experience in a three-year-old technology

Something tells me requirements like this pop up depressingly often.

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twof profile image
Alex Reilly

Ten years of Swift Experience

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tterb profile image
Brett Stevenson

One of my personal favorites:

img

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dsanchezseco profile image
dsanchezseco

90% of Blockchain positions hahahahaha!

For "Enough knowledge to convince a non-technical person you’re an expert in a handful of bleeding-edge technologies" sadly there are to many non-tech that seem to be tech making things even worse

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rkoutnik profile image
Randall Koutnik Author

Fun fact: There's two sentence pairs in here lifted directly from real job descriptions. See if you can find them!

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andy profile image
Andy Zhao (he/him)

Get in on the ground floor to a catastrophe that’s sure to hit the front page of TechCrunch!

And

If that scares you, don’t apply.

Do I get bonus equity for guessing correctly?

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rkoutnik profile image
Randall Koutnik Author • Edited

You're half right one one of them! There are four real sentences in total, in pairs (so two couplets of two sentences each).

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sweetyclem profile image
Clémentine Pirlot

OK how about
Plan on working ~100+ hours a week during sprints. If that scares you, don’t apply.
And
Yes you’ll get all the usual benefits, but if you’re really going for perks, Google is your best bet! If you want to make an impact, then please apply

?

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rkoutnik profile image
Randall Koutnik Author

Winner! Well done.

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sweetyclem profile image
Clémentine Pirlot

Yeah!!! I think I should win a unicorn! 🦄
These sentences are seriously messed up, I'm so sad they're from actual descriptions

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ben profile image
Ben Halpern

That's gold

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kayis profile image
K

Funny post, but lets take a step back and ask why they do this?

Hiring developers is a tricky problem. You basically need a skilled dev to find a skilled dev, but most people are neither skilled nor a dev.

But many companies need devs so they have to get creative, most people aren't creative either. Good entrepreneurs are creative, but how much of all founders are good entrepreneurs? Probably below 10%?

So I guess, about 90% of all offerings are made by neither creative people nor skilled devs.

On the other hand, 90% of developers are mediocre too and need to put up with these kind of offerings.

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tscottdrake profile image
Scott Drake

90% of projects only need a mediocre dev.

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aphor profile image
Jeremy McMillan

Because the business needs are quotidian, but the hiring manager also suffers from the Dunning-Kruger effect, and thinks the challenge is "cutting edge."

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tterb profile image
Brett Stevenson

Hiring developers is a tricky problem. You basically need a skilled dev to find a skilled dev, but most people are neither skilled nor a dev.

Having spoken to two family members with no tech experience whatsoever that worked primarily hiring developers, there is definitely some validity to this idea. Though I would argue that you don't necessarily need a skilled dev, you definitely need someone with a significant amount of exposure to the field.
The conversation tends to lose a bit of credibility once you realize that the recruiter that's recruiting software engineers for Facebook doesn't have a clue what React is... (yes, this actually happened)

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kayis profile image
K

I often have the feeling recruiter is a job you take if you haven't much other options.

The good people all work in HR departments.

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moopet profile image
Ben Sinclair

Most companies I've worked for don't involve anyone from the development team in the recruitment process - or if they do it's perfunctory and they disregard their comments anyway.

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sergiopicciau profile image
Sergio Picciau • Edited

Actually I'm a lead dev and people joining my team are directly interviewed by me (and also the tech lead) and we are really hiring high level developers (I would say problem solvers in software design and development with strong computer since background)

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edoxtator profile image
Doc

I think this is fake.

I see nothing about "leveraging synergies to develop existing capabilities to disrupt conventional out-of-the-box thinking".

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rkoutnik profile image
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chrisvasqm profile image
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andreujuanc profile image
Juan C. Andreu

Reddit Driven Development.
Stack Overflow Driven Development.
Lets-Try-This-Beta-JS-Framework Driven Development.

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georgeoffley profile image
George Offley

-White
-Male
-Unshakable confidence due to the Dunning-Kruger effect
-No interest in a life outside of the company
-5 years of experience in a three-year-old technology

Seems about right.

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nickytonline profile image
Nick Taylor (he/him)

But is there a foosball table? 😂

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mtbsickrider profile image
Enrique Jose Padilla

Thank you for the chuckles :)

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ben profile image
Ben Halpern

👨🏻‍🎤🐒👨🏻‍💻🦄

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tscottdrake profile image
Scott Drake

And if they could find that person, they'd be bored out of their minds because it's a basic data-entry and reporting project. So to make it interesting, the person hired bloats it up and it ships late and the user won't adopt it because it's not a painful enough problem to get them to change.

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akmzero profile image
akmzero

Exactly this happened to me! Only it lasted a week before they realized they had no idea how to manage development of a new website and canned the project. /salt

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codemouse92 profile image
Jason C. McDonald • Edited

This looks suspiciously like about three dozen jobs I've seen while searching. Hilarious!

Also reminds me of this actual job listing I encountered last month, which might as well just say "Applicant should know everything and be prepared to spend most of their time in meetings with execs."

Terrible Job Listing

I looked up the company (whose name I am not revealing to protect the moronic), and they have a storied history on Glassdoor as an abusive workplace with relatively poor compensation packages.

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chrisvasqm profile image
Christian Vasquez

A GitHub profile that shows you’re already willing to work for free in your off hours.

Never thought about like that 🤔...

I had a good laugh, thanks!

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ssteinerx profile image
Steve Steiner

I read these and realize that what they need is an adult to help them with "reading a calendar" and "timeline of history -- the last 10 years." Maybe even "analog clock reading" to round out their education. Round out. Ha.

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renannobile profile image
Renan Lourençoni Nobile

This post represents so well the current vision of "CEO"s out there.

And not only in the tech area. Here in Brazil we see openings that require a super master lawyer that can revive people and sing while doing coffee for minimum salary (if not below the determined by law).

Not sure if I'm glad to know that this happens outside Brazil or is I should be crying.

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makiten profile image
Donald

Nice to haves:

  • A GitHub profile that shows you’re already willing to work for free in your off hours

Clearly fake. That's always a Must Have.

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_patrickgod profile image
Patrick God

What about pinball?

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ennyta profile image
ennyta • Edited

No thanks, I accept only if there are darts!

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neuro profile image
Neuro

What's so wrong about "white" and "male"? Recruiting based on diversity is the most racist thing you can possibly do.

Hire based on actual knowledge, regardless of race or sex and choose the best candidate.

If you want to be truly objective, don't ask for these fields in job application:

  1. Name and Surname
  2. Age
  3. Sex
  4. Picture
  5. Birth place

Only ask for professional and relevant experience.

At the point where you need to test candidates, give them the assignment and judge them based on competence.

What would happen in the end if most skilled candidates are indeed white or asian males? Would you dismiss them because they don't fit your diversity agenda?

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macguyvermedia profile image
Mac

I sound like I'm your "guy". I'm already working 80-100 hours a week so that no big deal.

Skills: Developer (18+ years many languages), Hacker, Musician (ASCAP), DevOps, Blockchain, Problem Solver, and just plan old know how to get things done. Honestly, I enjoy solving problems that others can't. Also being creative give me a unique prospective on projects.

Mac-

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tterb profile image
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zaskoda profile image
Scott 'Koda' Dudley

This is almost too true to be funny. Almost.

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valentinogagliardi profile image
Valentino Gagliardi

Post of the year.

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gab profile image
Gabriel Magalhães dos Santos

You forgot some benefits:

  • Beers on Friday
  • Dog therapy
  • Playstation 3 on lunch
  • Spotify and Netflix payed by company
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moopet profile image
Ben Sinclair

I took the Dunning-Kruger test and got an A+.

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theopensourceu profile image
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hullsean profile image
Sean Hull

Funny. I wish it weren't so spot on!

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ogrotten profile image
ogrotten

Below is an image of comments from Ryan Dahl.

I registered just to comment that the image viewer on this site is really bad.

And then I just now realized that you can't do anything about that.

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tarach profile image
Sebastian Tarach

Not for me :(
I identify myself as black woman and in my case kruger effect works in the other way. Poor me, pour me another drink.

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kelly profile image
Kelly Vaughn

2% equity! That's quite generous.

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david_j_eddy profile image
David J Eddy

This happens all to often...

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