Wanted: Ninja Rockstar Code Monkey Hacker Unicorn
Randall Koutnik Mar 19 Originally published at rkoutnik.com on Apr 29, 2016
We’re looking for the best of the best - but as you can already tell from the title, we have no idea what that looks like. We want someone experienced enough to implement our ridiculous ideas but paradoxically lacking the experience to realize what a raw deal we’re offering. Work long hours to implement vague ideas with no autonomy for vague promises of getting rich one day. After all, money’s the only thing that motivates anyone, right? Coding isn’t a creative field, it’s just telling the computer what to do.
You’ll get to work with all of our C-levels as they order you around on a daily basis. We’re an “Agile” team, so long as that means cutting corners to meet sales deadlines. We practice HN-driven-development. Plan on working ~100+ hours a week during sprints. If that scares you, don’t apply. We don’t want people who are scared by silly things like reality.
Get in on the ground floor to a catastrophe that’s sure to hit the front page of TechCrunch!
- Unshakable confidence due to the Dunning-Kruger effect
- No interest in a life outside of the company
- 5 years of experience in a three-year-old technology
Nice to haves:
- Enough knowledge to convince a non-technical person you’re an expert in a handful of bleeding-edge technologies
- Sneering disdain for the proven tech you should be building with
- A GitHub profile that shows you’re already willing to work for free in your off hours
- Yes you’ll get all the usual benefits, but if you’re really going for perks, Google is your best bet! If you want to make an impact, then please apply.
- 401k? Hah, you won’t need that with how rich your sliver of equity will make you!
- We’ll have a large variety of alcohol in the office as well as an assortment of video games for the perfect frat environment
- Office located in trendy downtown district in order to burn VC cash faster
Salary: Something that we’ll claim is top-of-market but is well below. We’ll offer the low end of the range, citing lack of experience with some framework that hasn’t left beta.
Equity: 0.1% - 2% for the "right person".