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Wanted: Ninja Rockstar Code Monkey Hacker Unicorn

rkoutnik profile image Randall Koutnik Originally published at rkoutnik.com on ・2 min read

We’re looking for the best of the best - but as you can already tell from the title, we have no idea what that looks like. We want someone experienced enough to implement our ridiculous ideas but paradoxically lacking the experience to realize what a raw deal we’re offering. Work long hours to implement vague ideas with no autonomy for vague promises of getting rich one day. After all, money’s the only thing that motivates anyone, right? Coding isn’t a creative field, it’s just telling the computer what to do.

You’ll get to work with all of our C-levels as they order you around on a daily basis. We’re an “Agile” team, so long as that means cutting corners to meet sales deadlines. We practice HN-driven-development. Plan on working ~100+ hours a week during sprints. If that scares you, don’t apply. We don’t want people who are scared by silly things like reality.

Get in on the ground floor to a catastrophe that’s sure to hit the front page of TechCrunch!

Must haves:

  • White
  • Male
  • Unshakable confidence due to the Dunning-Kruger effect
  • No interest in a life outside of the company
  • 5 years of experience in a three-year-old technology

Nice to haves:

  • Enough knowledge to convince a non-technical person you’re an expert in a handful of bleeding-edge technologies
  • Sneering disdain for the proven tech you should be building with
  • A GitHub profile that shows you’re already willing to work for free in your off hours

Perks:

  • Yes you’ll get all the usual benefits, but if you’re really going for perks, Google is your best bet! If you want to make an impact, then please apply.
  • 401k? Hah, you won’t need that with how rich your sliver of equity will make you!
  • We’ll have a large variety of alcohol in the office as well as an assortment of video games for the perfect frat environment
  • Office located in trendy downtown district in order to burn VC cash faster

Salary: Something that we’ll claim is top-of-market but is well below. We’ll offer the low end of the range, citing lack of experience with some framework that hasn’t left beta.

Equity: 0.1% - 2% for the "right person".

Discussion

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5 years of experience in a three-year-old technology

Something tells me requirements like this pop up depressingly often.

 
 
 

90% of Blockchain positions hahahahaha!

For "Enough knowledge to convince a non-technical person you’re an expert in a handful of bleeding-edge technologies" sadly there are to many non-tech that seem to be tech making things even worse

 

Fun fact: There's two sentence pairs in here lifted directly from real job descriptions. See if you can find them!

 

Get in on the ground floor to a catastrophe that’s sure to hit the front page of TechCrunch!

And

If that scares you, don’t apply.

Do I get bonus equity for guessing correctly?

 

You're half right one one of them! There are four real sentences in total, in pairs (so two couplets of two sentences each).

OK how about
Plan on working ~100+ hours a week during sprints. If that scares you, don’t apply.
And
Yes you’ll get all the usual benefits, but if you’re really going for perks, Google is your best bet! If you want to make an impact, then please apply

?

Yeah!!! I think I should win a unicorn! 🦄
These sentences are seriously messed up, I'm so sad they're from actual descriptions

 
 

Funny post, but lets take a step back and ask why they do this?

Hiring developers is a tricky problem. You basically need a skilled dev to find a skilled dev, but most people are neither skilled nor a dev.

But many companies need devs so they have to get creative, most people aren't creative either. Good entrepreneurs are creative, but how much of all founders are good entrepreneurs? Probably below 10%?

So I guess, about 90% of all offerings are made by neither creative people nor skilled devs.

On the other hand, 90% of developers are mediocre too and need to put up with these kind of offerings.

 

90% of projects only need a mediocre dev.

 

Because the business needs are quotidian, but the hiring manager also suffers from the Dunning-Kruger effect, and thinks the challenge is "cutting edge."

 

Hiring developers is a tricky problem. You basically need a skilled dev to find a skilled dev, but most people are neither skilled nor a dev.

Having spoken to two family members with no tech experience whatsoever that worked primarily hiring developers, there is definitely some validity to this idea. Though I would argue that you don't necessarily need a skilled dev, you definitely need someone with a significant amount of exposure to the field.
The conversation tends to lose a bit of credibility once you realize that the recruiter that's recruiting software engineers for Facebook doesn't have a clue what React is... (yes, this actually happened)

 

I often have the feeling recruiter is a job you take if you haven't much other options.

The good people all work in HR departments.

 

Most companies I've worked for don't involve anyone from the development team in the recruitment process - or if they do it's perfunctory and they disregard their comments anyway.

 

Actually I'm a lead dev and people joining my team are directly interviewed by me (and also the tech lead) and we are really hiring high level developers (I would say problem solvers in software design and development with strong computer since background)

 

I think this is fake.

I see nothing about "leveraging synergies to develop existing capabilities to disrupt conventional out-of-the-box thinking".

 
 
 

Reddit Driven Development.
Stack Overflow Driven Development.
Lets-Try-This-Beta-JS-Framework Driven Development.

 

-White
-Male
-Unshakable confidence due to the Dunning-Kruger effect
-No interest in a life outside of the company
-5 years of experience in a three-year-old technology

Seems about right.

 
 

👨🏻‍🎤🐒👨🏻‍💻🦄

 

This looks suspiciously like about three dozen jobs I've seen while searching. Hilarious!

Also reminds me of this actual job listing I encountered last month, which might as well just say "Applicant should know everything and be prepared to spend most of their time in meetings with execs."

Terrible Job Listing

I looked up the company (whose name I am not revealing to protect the moronic), and they have a storied history on Glassdoor as an abusive workplace with relatively poor compensation packages.

 

And if they could find that person, they'd be bored out of their minds because it's a basic data-entry and reporting project. So to make it interesting, the person hired bloats it up and it ships late and the user won't adopt it because it's not a painful enough problem to get them to change.

 

Exactly this happened to me! Only it lasted a week before they realized they had no idea how to manage development of a new website and canned the project. /salt

 
 

I read these and realize that what they need is an adult to help them with "reading a calendar" and "timeline of history -- the last 10 years." Maybe even "analog clock reading" to round out their education. Round out. Ha.

 

A GitHub profile that shows you’re already willing to work for free in your off hours.

Never thought about like that 🤔...

I had a good laugh, thanks!

 

This post represents so well the current vision of "CEO"s out there.

And not only in the tech area. Here in Brazil we see openings that require a super master lawyer that can revive people and sing while doing coffee for minimum salary (if not below the determined by law).

Not sure if I'm glad to know that this happens outside Brazil or is I should be crying.

 

No thanks, I accept only if there are darts!

 
 

Nice to haves:

  • A GitHub profile that shows you’re already willing to work for free in your off hours

Clearly fake. That's always a Must Have.

 

What's so wrong about "white" and "male"? Recruiting based on diversity is the most racist thing you can possibly do.

Hire based on actual knowledge, regardless of race or sex and choose the best candidate.

If you want to be truly objective, don't ask for these fields in job application:

  1. Name and Surname
  2. Age
  3. Sex
  4. Picture
  5. Birth place

Only ask for professional and relevant experience.

At the point where you need to test candidates, give them the assignment and judge them based on competence.

What would happen in the end if most skilled candidates are indeed white or asian males? Would you dismiss them because they don't fit your diversity agenda?

 
 

I sound like I'm your "guy". I'm already working 80-100 hours a week so that no big deal.

Skills: Developer (18+ years many languages), Hacker, Musician (ASCAP), DevOps, Blockchain, Problem Solver, and just plan old know how to get things done. Honestly, I enjoy solving problems that others can't. Also being creative give me a unique prospective on projects.

Mac-

 

This is almost too true to be funny. Almost.

 

You forgot some benefits:

  • Beers on Friday
  • Dog therapy
  • Playstation 3 on lunch
  • Spotify and Netflix payed by company
 
 

I took the Dunning-Kruger test and got an A+.

 
 

And with all this experience you can definitely learn new things in a week, and implement a project in it by using all the best practices.

 

Below is an image of comments from Ryan Dahl.

I registered just to comment that the image viewer on this site is really bad.

And then I just now realized that you can't do anything about that.

 

2% equity! That's quite generous.

 

Funny. I wish it weren't so spot on!

 

Not for me :(
I identify myself as black woman and in my case kruger effect works in the other way. Poor me, pour me another drink.