🌑 Blue October

#webdev #programming #mentalhealth

From burnout to code recovery story

_{TLDR: A brief summary of how I got here.}

The Mindset

For the last 3 years, I have been learning tech. It started with feeling tired of working at dead end jobs. The trigger was asking myself "How bad could it be if I just tried to learn programming?"

This mindset was around 2023 when I was working at a printing company doing graphic mock-ups for clients and reviewing installer plans, among other things. I was good at this but it was very boring and the smell from acrylic being cut by lasers periodically gave me frequent headaches and made me feel nauseous. I had additional stresses going on in my life that made me feel, to put it lightly, not so great.

I ended up quitting that job because my performance started to tank, and I knew it. I would be sitting at my desk and trying very hard to hold back my emotions. I quit, and a month later I had an emergency surgery. While laying on the couch post-surgery and unable to basically walk around for a month, I decided my laptop was my new best friend. 💻

The Student

I approached programming like an academic - researching schools, bootcamps, salaries, potential wages, life-work balance, and job outlook. Making the conscious decision to learn programming in the post-pandemic landscape was not a venture for money, but of personal curiosity. If I must work, I want to do something I actually like and find interesting. A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away, I had taken an interest in the programming classes offered at my high school. Of course, back in 2005 with myspace near its peak, I thought I was some king s*** styling my page with HTML and CSS. I wanted to have what all the other cool people had, so I figured out how to do it myself. IT WAS SO COOL 😂

Unique Experiences

Anyways, I got away from all that. I pursued art and nutrition at the university. I was inspired to become a video game creator/3D model artist after taking some not-for-credit classes at the Academy of Art in San Francisco as a teenager. I absolutely loved that experience. I remember the game design teacher, a large man with a ponytail. He commented on my stature since I was in wrestling in high school for a while and had continued to maintain physical fitness in the years the followed. For a large chunk of my teenage and younger adult life, I was very physically fit, and unafraid of humans in general.

That same summer, living with my sister, I got to experience san-fran through teenager eyes. I visited amazing restaurants, like "The Stinking Rose" - a garlic based restaurant where I had probably the best roasted garlic I will ever eat in my life. My sister was also into wellness, and she took me to some edgy meditation classes. I'll never forget seeing the people sitting around me, covered in tattoos and piercings, the most metal-head looking people you ever saw, sitting peacefully on cushions on the ground leading a meditation. This group is still around, they are called Dharma Punx. I highly recommend checking them out Dharma Punx. I am far removed but it's on my agenda at some point to visit them again.

High School Frustrations

I think it was probably that same year returning to the high school where I had another interesting experience. There was a girl at the high school that would always, always, ALWAYS make fun of me and she would get her friends on board making fun of me. I was never sure why, I never did anything to her. She didn't like me when I made my move from the nerd table to the goth table after obtaining a boyfriend. Retrospectively she may have been jealous. But I didn't see that. I saw hate, accusations, lies, and repeated embarrassment. She was pretty bad. Everyday, I couldn't sit at that table without getting hated on. Of course I did it for love. A cute boy liked me, I must persevere. What stupidity. After months of this, one day at the lunch table she said something that totally triggered me. I think it had to do with my boyfriend pretending to like me or repeated name calling.

Whatever the case, a storm was brewing inside my hormone-fueled teenage body. Something inside of me snapped. I quite literally hunted her down in the hallway. She had no idea I was coming for her. I found her, slammed her to the ground and drew back a fist. I looked her straight in the eye pinning her down with the other hand. I said absolutely nothing. I thought with every cell in my body I was going to knock her out.

A tiny voice inside me held my fist back: "She is weak, and she is not actually trying to kill you." Frustrated, I let her go. I think the knowledge of knowing what I could do was enough for me. But as soon as let her go, I picked her up and literally threw her in a garbage can. (She remained physically unharmed.) Everyone was watching at this point. I was generally quiet, and probably shocked a few people. I was suspended for a week. It was awesome. I felt like I had proven a point after years of bullying. I was high on pride and my mom bought me DDR and some of those flexible dance pads, and I played DDR the whole week staying home "suspended". My dad told me he was proud of me after I explained myself. That meant a lot. Those were not words I heard a lot. He is an engineer, and is very intelligent. I never felt the need to do such a thing ever again.

Trying Things

Let me circle back. I tried a few things at the university, with interests in illustration, green engineering, meteorology, graphic design, and nutrition. I changed my major so many times I was lucky I graduated at all. My problem is that I like everything, because everything is interesting. It has been a real problem. Top that with a people pleasing personality for many years and I was basically lost and confused.

After I graduated I discovered electronic dance music and got heavy into the festival scene. So much so that I started a vending business called Ever Fluorescent where I would sell my art and clothing at festivals around the nation. This was a main stream of income for a while. It's still alive, but on the back burner at the moment. The unpredictable nature of income generated from festivals makes it extremely difficult for a solo artist to budget life expenses. So, needing structure, I started working regular full time jobs. Starting with that printing factory I mentioned earlier.

That's a whole lot of life summarization compacted very small. Now that you know I didn't just randomly arrive here, I can continue.

Recent Timeline

I think a timeline would work here. 📈

Late 2023 - Started relearning HTML and CSS
Very early 2024 - Explored JavaScript
Spring 2024 - Found and Applied to Full Stack Web Dev Apprenticeship
Summer 2024 - Studied Ruby/Rails
Fall 2024 - Started Apprenticeship
Winter 2024 - Completed Apprenticeship
Early 2025- Completed Google IT Support Cert
Spring 2025 - Worked temporarily as TA at University of Chicago, then got first part-time IT job
Winter 2025 - Received an offer for fulltime work doing IT elsewhere
Early 2026 - Hired full time as building tech for a middle school
Currently - Unemployed

Current Status

Through all of these changes I have also been pursuing classes for a second bachelors in computer science. I have even taken a few masters level classes. This would be my second bachelors. I have also been studying CCNA topics on the side. After being let go from my previous job after nearly a year, I have been left feeling defeated despite trying my hardest. I started this tech journey wanting to simply be a web developer. With the current state of things - post pandemic layoffs, AI, fierce competition - I sometimes feel like I waste my time.

Frustrated, I try to reframe my thinking. That is part of the reason why I thought studying CCNA topics would be a good idea. This way, I can have a deeper general understanding of things and why they are the way they are. I went so far as to buy multiple books and networking equipment to aid the journey, as I am a fan of tangible items. The news of losing my job that I was trying so hard at has left me in a turbulent emotional state. I did the only thing I know I could do - find a distraction. This time, that distraction is HTB. Why this choice, you may ask. Well, as any developer would likely do, I ran to Google for some counseling. I simply asked it: "Would knowledge of penetration testing help me find a job as a developer?" I'll let you hypothesize what the answer was. As someone who appreciates a good rabbit hole, this is both a blessing and a curse.

I cannot say for sure where I am going, but I can tell you that I will get there in an unrelenting manner, persevering in the darkness with no compass, and no flashlight. Yesterday I learned what a .ko file was after asking "What is ELF>?"

There is a humongous unexplored world hiding right in front of me. 😮

Top comments (5)

Fayaz • Oct 16

My problem is that I like everything, because everything is interesting.

I see a little part of me in you, Anna. I think you have a good soul 🥰

I want to know everything too. How the world works. How the universe works. Everything. After exploring many many things, I believe I've found my calling. I wrote a small part of that in this post.

Keep exploring life, knowledge and the truth.
I hope you'll find your calling too ❤️‍🩹