A personal reflection on fear, growth, and learning to show up for myself — even when I didn’t feel ready.
October wasn’t just another month that passed, it was one that grew me. It was messy, fulfilling, confusing, and beautiful all at once. I think that’s the best way to put it.
Looking back, I see a version of myself who didn’t just move through time but changed shape inside it.
The Gym, The Struggle, and The Promise I Kept
Let’s start here.
For the first time in a while, I stayed consistent at the gym. Not because it was easy, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could stick with something that required effort.
It wasn’t about six-packs or transformation videos, it was about trust (😂😂 it was to some extent).
The kind you build with yourself when you show up again and again, even when no one’s watching, and especially when you’re tired.
It wasn’t always smooth finances were tight, motivation ran low, but I kept showing up.
And somewhere between those tired reps and empty wallets, I realized that discipline feels like freedom when you stop negotiating with yourself.
Work, Learning, and Taking Ownership
Work this month felt different too.
I learned new things like integrating Stripe payments, writing about what I’ve learned, and being proud of what I create.
But what made this month truly meaningful were the two hackathons I joined.
Both of them scared me. I had doubts “What if I can’t finish? What if I mess up?”, but I did them anyway.
That’s where I really understood what ownership means.
It’s not just saying, “I like to take charge.” It’s doing it when it’s scary.
It’s when you stop hiding behind people who aren’t ready to move and decide to carry the thing yourself.
I used to say I loved taking ownership, but October was the first time I actually did.
And honestly, I was terrified.
But I finished. And that changed me.
Learning to Pay Attention
One of my quiet goals this month was to pay attention, really pay attention.
I realized my attention span is bad, and it affects more than just my work. It affects how deeply I experience things.
So, I tried to slow down.
Read slower. Code slower. Notice things.
It’s weird how much peace comes from simply being present with what you’re doing.
Sometimes I still drift I catch myself scrolling when I should be focused but awareness itself feels like progress.
Fear, Doubt, and the Weird Thing About Courage
Before both hackathons, I was scared out of my mind.
I kept asking myself, “Can I really pull this off?”
But I learned something that I’ll probably never forget:
Courage doesn’t show up before you start it shows up while you’re in motion.
You don’t wait until you feel ready. You just move and confidence grows on the way.
Every time I faced something that scared me this month, I came out the other side a little stronger.
Not because the fear disappeared, but because I realized I could move with it.
Being Alone Without Feeling Lonely
This month also taught me about solitude.
For a while, I used to depend on people not because I couldn’t do things alone, but because it felt safer to stay in the background.
But this time, I didn’t.
I stood alone. I built alone. I worked alone when I had to.
And it didn’t feel lonely it felt grounding.
There’s something beautiful about learning that your own company isn’t a punishment.
Sometimes it’s exactly what you need to find your identity again.
When Everything Feels Important
This one hit me hard.
Lately, I’ve been drowning in “important” things.
Work, gym, learning, family, self-care everything screams for attention.
And when everything feels urgent, you start feeling like you’re failing at all of it.
A former colleague told me something that changed my perspective:
“When everything feels important, look at it from the lens of time. Which one needs you now, and which one can wait?”
That made sense.
I don’t need to do everything right now. Some things are meant for later and that’s okay.
Love, Growing Up, and Taking Responsibility
I’m turning a year older soon.
And honestly? That thought scares me a little.
Not because of the number, but because of what it means more responsibility, more expectations, more eyes looking up to me.
But I’ve also learned to slow down and love myself through the process.
To take care of myself the way I take care of my code patiently, with debugging, with retries.
And to treat my siblings with more kindness, because they’re watching me figure this out in real time.
Closing Thoughts: Just Getting Started
When I look back at October, I don’t see perfection.
I see growth. I see fear. I see small wins that still mattered deeply.
I see someone who’s learning to take himself seriously to believe that he can handle life one decision at a time.
I’m scared about the future, yes but I’m also excited.
Because if October taught me anything, it’s that I’m just getting started.
There’s still so much to learn, so much to build, and so many versions of me waiting to be discovered.
And if you’re reading this and feeling stuck or unsure, here’s what I’ll say:
Don’t wait to feel ready.
Start with fear. Start with doubt.
But start anyway.
Because that’s how courage finds you.
Written by Abdul-muiz Hamzat, a young man building, learning, and figuring life out one step at a time.
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