I'm not gonna sugarcoat this. Today was bad.
What Happened
I didn't study. At all.
DBMS exam is Monday. Two full weeks of exams starting. And I spent today doing absolutely nothing productive.
Not because I was resting. Not because I was strategically taking a break.
I just... lost it.
The Breakdown
Had a full breakdown today. The real kind.
The kind where you're crying and you keep checking to make sure nobody's walking by. Where you're wiping your face and looking in the mirror to catch the tears you missed. Where you hate that one drop still sitting there because it proves you're falling apart.
Hit the gym trying to fix it. Couldn't lift what I normally lift. Hated myself for being weak. Left feeling worse than when I went in.
And no—this isn't about the relationship stuff from Day F0. That's done. This is something else. This is me not being able to hold it together anymore as being honest relationship was never a big concern to me, Ik what dating is like it's some other shit.
The Friend Thing
Made it worse today too.
Disappointed my friend. The one person I actually call a friend. The only one.
Don't know if they hate me now or if they're just disappointed, but either way I screwed it up. Said something or did something—I don't even know anymore.
Now I'm just pulling back. Disappearing from the real world. Because clearly I can't exist in it without messing everything up.
Where I Am Now
I don't know if I can do this.
Two weeks of exams. Starting Monday with DBMS. And I'm already broken on Day F5.
I keep saying I'm good at keeping it together. That's been my thing—stay focused, push through, don't let it get to you. But today proved I'm not as good at it as I thought.
Maybe the tech world will accept me if the real world won't. Maybe I can disappear into code and projects and nobody will notice I'm falling apart.
Or maybe I'm just lying to myself again.
Tomorrow
I'll study DBMS tomorrow. I swear I will.
If I can keep my shit together. If I can wake up and not immediately want to give up. If I can look at those database notes without feeling like it's all pointless.
Big if.
Sorry
This isn't the update anyone wants to read. It's not motivational or inspiring or even neutral. It's just sad.
But this is Day F5. And this is where I am.
Some days you win. Some days you lose.
Today I lost. Miserably.
Tomorrow... we'll see.
If you're also struggling right now, I guess we're in this together. Even if we're both just barely hanging on.
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