Suffering = Pain * Resistance (and the Role of Self-Compassion)

#discuss #mentalhealth #watercooler

Everyone talks code, few talk stress. Here’s my take: original article

TL;DR: Pain is unavoidable. Resistance multiplies it. Acceptance and Self-compassion reduces the damage.

Where This Landed for Me

Over the New Year, I went to the 2025/2026 Beneath the Baobab Festival¹ with a close friend. Here, I mostly solo raved, finding myself quietly (at least most of day one) reflecting on some heavier chapters of my life: dark themes around death/grief; the abrupt end of a long-term commitment last February; the persistent cloud of depression in my community; and my own on-going struggle for mental/emotional stability.

One moment stood out. A homie shared some game that stayed with me long after the music died out²³⁴:

Suffering = Pain \times Resistance

How Pain Becomes Suffering

In meditation circles, you often hear: "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional."³

Here, pain is what we cannot control (e.g., illnesses, grief because of the death of a loved one, a break-up). It is the "rawness" of the ache of that particular experience. Resistance is what we add on top of it - it acts as a multiplier.

Resistance shows up in thoughts like:

"This (sh/c)ouldn't be happening."
"Why now?"
"How could (s/h)e do this at my lowest point?"
"I need to fix this."

When my ex left during a fragile period, the pain was unavoidable. What turned it into deep suffering was my resistance: replaying the story, arguing with reality, insisting that things should have gone differently.

Pushing against reality consumes mental/emotional energy and multiplies our pain. We suffer more.

When We Turn Against Ourselves

In times of suffering, we can sometimes notice our own resistance. That's when self-criticism shows its ugly self.

We judge ourselves harshly for struggling:

"I'm better than this. I shouldn't feel this way."
"I suck at being 'okay'."
"I'll just compartmentalize this and deal with this pain later."

This pattern is sometimes called "resisting resistance"⁴. A clearer name is self-criticism.

The equation now looks like this:

Suffering = Pain \times Resistance \times SelfCriticism

We are not only in pain, we are also attacking ourselves for being human.

What Actually Helps: Acceptance and Self-Compassion

The antidote to resistance is acceptance².

Acceptance doesn’t mean liking the situation or resigning to it. It simply means acknowledging reality without forcing it to be different. Not everything is under our control².

To counter self-criticism, we add self-compassion. If resistance and self-criticism are multipliers, self-compassion is the divisor⁴:

Suffering = \frac{(Pain \times Resistance)}{SelfCompassion}

Self-compassion is offering yourself the same kindness you would offer a close friend:

"This hurts. My resistance is making it harder. I’m allowed to care for myself here."

Pain remains, but suffering is reduced

A Simple Practice

When life feels heavy, I'm learning how to follow these steps²:

Notice a painful emotion/thought.
Observe thoughts of resistance (e.g., "Why me?") and let them pass.
Re-center by accepting circumstances, even if unpleasant.
Focus on physical sensations, acknowledging their temporary status.
Release judgment.

Finding Peace Under the Baobabs

Standing under the baobabs, I realized I don’t need to eliminate pain to find peace. Meditation and mindfulness don’t remove the ache of heartbreak or depression; they remove the unnecessary suffering we pile on top.

Think of pain as a heavy backpack. Resistance is trying to run uphill while complaining about the weight. Self-compassion is stopping, breathing, and tightening the straps. The load is the same, but the journey becomes manageable.