…a mildly chaotic guide to web performance
Let’s be honest: if websites had feelings, half the pages on the internet would be filing HR complaints for “unnecessary stress.” We throw megabytes of JavaScript at the browser like it’s a CrossFit athlete and then cry when it wheezes.
Today, let’s take a humorous stroll through the world of web performance—that magical land where milliseconds matter, requests multiply like rabbits, and someone somewhere always says "it was fast on my machine."
🧱 1. The DOM Is Not Your Personal Storage Unit
Developers: “Let’s just add one more wrapper div.”
Browser: “…please stop.”
Every time you nest elements like you’re constructing a Matryoshka doll, the browser has to parse, build, compute, layout, and paint all of it. It's like giving it IKEA instructions written in crayon.
Try asking yourself occasionally:
“Does this div spark joy?”
If not, KonMari it.
🧮 2. JavaScript: The Silent Website Killer
Nothing slows a site like a giant JavaScript bundle smacking the browser right in the face.
You know that feeling when someone hands you a 600-page report and says “just skim it”?
That’s what you’re doing to the browser when your bundle is 3MB.
And yes, the bundler warnings are real.
And yes, you did ignore them.
🎨 3. CSS Selectors That Could End a Marriage
We’ve all met That Developer™ who writes CSS like this:
body.homepage main #content .wrapper .container ul li:last-child span a:hover {
color: hotpink;
}
This selector is on a spiritual journey, but the browser is not.
It has to evaluate every part of it—every time.
Please.
For the sake of browser sanity: simplify.
🖼️ 4. Images: The True Villains of the Web
PNG: “I’m 8MB.”
Developer: “Looks fine.”
User on 3G: cries in throttling
Please use modern formats like WebP or AVIF. The browser will thank you. The user will thank you. Your Lighthouse score will rise from the dead.
Bonus tip:
If your logo is bigger than your JavaScript bundle, it’s not a logo anymore. It’s a threat.
🔁 5. Third-Party Scripts: The Self-Invited Party Guests
Analytics, ads, chat widgets, personalization scripts, tag managers…
You add one, then another, then five more because “marketing said so.”
Before long, your site looks like:
- 12 trackers
- 6 pixels
- 4 chatbots
- 3 mystery scripts no one wants to delete "just in case"
- and a partridge in a pear tree
Pro tip:
Whenever you add a new third-party script, remove two old ones and maybe apologize to your users.
💤 6. Render-Blocking Resources: The Browser’s Worst Nightmare
CSS living in the <head> without media attributes?
Synchronous scripts?
Fonts loading with no fallback?
Congratulations, you’ve built the Internet’s slowest progress bar.
Browsers have to stop everything until these items are downloaded and parsed. Imagine pausing a movie every 10 seconds to fetch snacks. That’s your site.
🥇 7. Hero Images That Load Like They’re Doing You a Favor
Few things are as majestic as a hero banner that appears… eventually… after three seconds… using a fade-in so slow that you're not sure whether it’s a feature or a haunting.
Try preloading your hero image. Or compress it. Or maybe pick a smaller one.
It doesn’t need to be a billboard on the highway.
🧩 8. The Critical Rendering Path Is Not Optional Reading
Every browser goes through a predictable journey:
- Parse HTML
- Build DOM
- Build CSSOM
- Build render tree
- Layout
- Paint
You can help it. Or you can make its life a living nightmare. Your choice.
If you block it with scripts, force reflows, or dump 200kb of unused CSS, you are choosing violence.
This tool helps visualize your critical rendering path.
⚡ 9. Performance: It’s Not About Scoring 100
Sure, Lighthouse scores feel nice.
Sure, hitting green everywhere gives you the warm dopamine glow of a thousand suns.
But real performance is about:
- Faster interactions
- Smooth rendering
- Less JavaScript
- Fewer layout shifts
- Happy users
- And fewer late-night Slack messages asking “is the site slow for you?”
If your site feels fast, you win.
🧘 10. Accept That You Will Never Finish Optimizing
Web performance is like going to the gym:
- You think you’re done
- You discover a new muscle you forgot exists
- Everything hurts
- And yet you keep coming back
Browsers evolve. Frameworks evolve. Your code evolves.
Performance is a journey, and the browser is your workout buddy who’s just trying not to pass out.
🎉 Final Thoughts
Performance isn’t magic.
It’s just respecting the browser, keeping payloads small, and not treating the user’s device like a NASA supercomputer.
At the end of the day, fast websites simply feel better. And your future self will thank you for not shipping a 9MB hero video encoded in 2008-era MP4.
Happy optimizing!
🚀✨
Top comments (1)
Lovely post @abhinavshinoy90 ! - Love the narration.