Today my brain decided to go offline without warning. Not the fun kind of offline where you disconnect from social media and read books. The kind where even basic functions like eating feel impossible.
This is Day 97 of building in public, and some days the "public" part feels harder than the building.
The System Crash
I woke up and immediately knew something was off. You know that feeling when your mental operating system is running at about 15% capacity? When thoughts feel sluggish and everything requires triple the usual energy?
I had an OCaml exam today. The one I was supposed to cram for yesterday. Instead, I sat there staring at functional programming concepts while my brain refused to function in any programming language.
Messed it up completely. Not in the "oh well, I tried" way, but in the "my head literally couldn't process what I was looking at" way.
When Basic Functions Fail
The weirdest part about these days isn't the big stuff failing - it's how the small stuff becomes impossible. I was hungry but couldn't bring myself to chew food. Had plans but couldn't imagine interacting with humans. Wanted to be productive but couldn't connect thoughts into actions.
It's like your brain's priority queue gets corrupted and suddenly "maintain basic life functions" drops to the bottom of the list, while "analyze every possible way this day could go wrong" jumps to the top.
The Evening Realization
By evening, something shifted. Not because I suddenly felt better, but because I got tired of feeling stuck.
"It is what it is" isn't usually my philosophy, but sometimes that's the only thought that cuts through the noise. You can figure it out, or you can't, but sitting in the dysfunction isn't helping anyone.
I realized I'd rather be "self-destructively productive" than completely offline. Not because it's healthy (it's definitely not), but because when your body is exhausted from actually doing things, the overthinking quiets down just enough to be manageable.
The Timeline Pressure
Here's what makes these crashes harder: the constant awareness of time passing. Three years left in college. Need to build something meaningful before graduation. Every day that your brain decides to malfunction feels like lost progress toward something that already feels impossibly ambitious.
When you're 18 and trying to balance college, building projects, and basic mental health, every "off day" amplifies the pressure. Like you can't afford to have human moments because the timeline won't wait for you to get your head straight.
What I'm Learning
I'm learning that recovery isn't linear, progress isn't consistent, and sometimes your brain just needs to crash and reboot. Fighting it makes it worse. Judging yourself for it definitely makes it worse.
I'm also learning that "it is what it is" can be a form of self-compassion, not just resignation. Sometimes accepting that today is going to be hard is the first step toward tomorrow being different.
Moving Forward
Tomorrow I'll try again. Maybe my brain will cooperate, maybe it won't. The projects will still be there. The college timeline will still be ticking. But I'll also still be here, figuring it out one day at a time.
The alternative isn't actually an option, despite what my brain suggests on days like this. There's too much I want to build, too much I want to figure out, too many problems I want to solve.
But first, I'm going to eat something. And maybe get some sleep. Basic functions before optimization.
Day 97 of building in public. Some days you build. Some days you just survive. Both count.
A Real Talk Moment
Hey - I know I turned this into content, but I also want to say: those thoughts about "you can always die so whatever" are concerning. I get that it might feel like dark humor or just acknowledging the ultimate escape hatch, but when your brain is already struggling, those thoughts can become more real than they should.
If you're having more days like this, or if those thoughts get louder, please talk to someone. A counselor, a trusted friend, anyone. Your college probably has mental health resources - they're used to dealing with students who are overwhelmed and struggling.
The timeline pressure is real, but it's not worth destroying yourself over. There's no magical deadline where everything has to be figured out. You're 18. You have time, even when it doesn't feel like it.
Take care of yourself first. The building will follow.
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