I tried.
I really tried.
In 2016, I graduated with a degree in Web Design and Development, knowing Angular and some UX principles, thinking maybe I could cut it in tech.
I was wrong.
I didn't get my first role until 2 years after, and even so, it was contract for Facebook and I had to make up my job title, and my team just rolled with it. Unfortunately, I didn't go to the right university, nor did I take the right track of getting an internship directly afterward to be hired full time. Any UX expert or Product Designer I reached out to brushed me off. (Y'all are a gatekeep-y bunch, aren't you?)
I went to a coding bootcamp during the pandemic, naively thinking, "if I just learn how to code better, surely I can be perceived as more valuable!"
And I finished the course, learned a ton. Built up my portfolio. Networked like mad on Xitter. Even embarrassed myself by streaming my thought/coding process live on Twitch.
I landed several contractor roles, which were okay. But I wanted health insurance. I pushed harder.
All of this while battling ADHD and major depression.
2022, finally landed my first full-time gig as a developer relations engineer. Within my first 3 months, I landed a big-name company contract for them.
However, I also was trying to get a hold of handling my mental health issues. I was prescribed Lexapro and Abilify. Side-effects include lethargy, which meant if I wasn't working, I was sleeping. But if I wasn't feeling like I wanted to kms, it was working, right? Let's sprinkle Adderall XR on top of that to address that pesky ADHD. In October, I had to stop taking the medication because my spouse and I decided we wanted to have a baby.
I thought, "I'm feeling good about my job! We're stable! Let's do this!"
May 2023, I found out I was pregnant. I felt like I went through some of the worst side-effects pregnancy came with: brain fog, exhaustion, nausea-- TL;DR: I could not function. I told my manager and HR right away , thinking it would be prudent to be completely honest and to "cover my bases" in case my productivity dropped.
Well, of course it did. Wear a 10 lb rice bag strapped to your belly and spin yourself around in your little office chair 20 times and try to hold an hour meeting.
At first, my coworkers were (supposedly) happy for me, and expressed "support". However, things slowly started to change. My manager became more and more critical day by day. It was hard to manage my symptoms and try to keep a straight face.
Have you ever had someone tell you they were there for you, only to come up short and not actually be there when you needed them? That's what happened to me.
September, I was put on a PIP. At the same time, blood work came back that said either me or my baby had a tumor on us. Or he had a spinal birth defect. I had to be tested right away and extensively to find the problem.
That, AND I have to struggle to keep my job?
I sincerely tried my best. In the end, I just ended up wrapping things up, like an article I never published and was probably stolen by a coworker.
Managers can say, "If you're not feeling well, then take the day off! Use your PTO!" at any point only to cover their asses.
let me tell you now: HR and management will never support you.
Do NOT fall for their bullshit.
Do NOT tell your coworkers anything.
Nothing in the environment of tech is stable. Nowhere in the workplace, no one in the workplace is someone you can share your personal life with. It's nut up and shut up.
Zero empathy.
There is no equity in tech.
There needs to be an overhaul in support for those in need, especially those who are neurodivergent. Especially those who chose to become parents and are the birth parent.
But, in order for that to happen, this change needs to be huge and gradual, helmed by someone who is respected by the community.
That person is clearly not me.
So this is my goodbye to tech.
I never want to answer to any man ever again.
I will not go where I am not wanted.
I wish you all safety and sanity in your careers.
Top comments (40)
I'm sorry Cat. Everyday I feel like the industry is spiraling backwards. You deserve so much better! I hope the nutrition path serves you well. Congrats on the babe and good luck with the fourth trimester. Thanks for sharing with us. 💜
This is a really disheartening read, but it's a decision that you know better than anyone else to make. I know this will probably come off as a milquetoast platitude, but tech genuinely needs more people like you. People that aren't afraid to say what they're truly thinking, people that speak their truth.
It really sucks that the majority of systems in place actively work against that type of mentality, though. The important keyword in that sentence is majority. It's rare, but there do exist environments where that isn't the case.
I really hope you'll consider coming back some day. Stepping away seems to be the healthiest decision you can make right now, but please consider returning at some point. We truly do need more people like you here.
I never know how to react to articles like this. I feel sorry for you that you're going through all this, that you didn't get the support you wanted from your colleagues, and the worst thing is that they don't try to understand your situation. I'm a man, but I've always been told that being pregnant is a complicated time, so to add all these problems, I can't imagine. I'm sad for you, and I sympathize for you. 😔💙
Would that your story was rare, but it's far, far too common, and is just one of the myriad of reasons women leave tech. It isn't because you weren't qualified, it isn't because your pregnant and "choosing to have a family instead of a career" (dumbest thing said ever).
The continual cuts and hits wear us down, even moreso when one has some additional mental and emotional stuff going on. It all ends up feeling like we're not wanted in the clubhouse.
I hope you feel better soon. 🫶
💔
This was a hard read, but I think you're far from alone in these types of experiences. The part about HR and management will never support you rings true to many of my situations while working in tech.
Thank you for your bravery in sharing this publicly.
Frankly, I believe tech needs more folks like yourself. Totally understand your decision to step away though. Hoping you can find peace and happiness in the future. You deserve better and are working towards finding it, so kudos to you.
I keep telling people that you'll understand HR much better if you use the term that all HR groups know themselves by: BPS - Business Protective Services.
My thumbs are twitching to post this article in slack😑💯
I am extremely disheartened to know how you had to struggle with all the work-life issues while nobody actually cares.
I am aware of this throughout my career and also i have been experiencing the same. But my problem is nothing compared to what you faced.
God bless you❤️
I'm so sorry you went through this @cat. No one should be treated the way you have. ;(
That’s a very unfortunate series of events.
I hope things start to turn for the better soon.
Also, you may want to consider speaking with an employment lawyer.
I've tried, but I can't sue a European company, unfortunately. Europe has different standards, and apparently they can discriminate all they want against Asian American women over 30.
Interesting you mentioned ethnicity, like it surely has to do anything with it (im pretty sure it doesn't). Telling from your blogpost you are super frustrated. Just because you didn't get support (once), doesn't mean management or HR is always bad. That's one thing.
Second, put yourself in their shoes. In the long term it is a bit annoying to work with somebody underperforming. Empathy etc works only for a limited period of time, and that's understandable imho. Top that with lower demand for developers, hard time, and companies wanting to save (investors) money.
It is a sad story nevertheless, and I feel for you (pregnancy is really hard time, good that you have your spouse), but you are overemotional, and should just accept the fact that the world is sometimes brutal.
In the end to be honest I was a bit trigerred about the sentence "europe has different standards" (in the negative way).
Edit: from other comments I can tell you are looking for an excuse (white vs non-white, man vs woman, privilege, whatever). Just stop, please, because it is nonsense. I guess you are from USA, and telling from the media you are overreacting in general about these things, but I can guarantee your ethnicity or sex doesn't have anything to do with that.
There are bad people and good people, bad companies and good companies. Simple as that.
Your EXTREMELY CLUELESS about life in the US obviously. You need to be quiet and sit in the corner and think about being in HER shoes for a while. your a very self-serving simpleton of a human being for saying all that baloney you know absolutely nothing about. This woman is completly right and it has been an experience that many women in the US tech industry (and many other industries) have experienced. Why did you not learn to be quiet when you don't know what your talking about?
I'm not saying it is not her experience, I believe her. I think she is looking at wrong reasons.
Plus I was referring more to her comments, rather than the blogpost itself.
I see a frustrated person, who was unable to achieve her goal to some degree, and after all that being treated in a bad (for her) way. All of that is understandable, and in fact it applies to all humanity on the planet. It's not US specific.
However under these conditions it is really easy to become toxic, and aquire victim mentality. Maybe she is right all along, I don't know, but having people do nothing but agree with her (like most people in the comments here) is not helping. It is just confirming her [potential] bias. I think I presented a certain different perspective. It might be lacking because I don't know the details (just like everybody here), but telling from her twitter account she is toxic for more than 2 years already. It is not only the crisis she is talking about here.
Let's agree, having toxic attitude is not helping, no matter the frustration a person is dealing with. There is also a possibility that she just isn't good programmer.
What I'm suggesting is to not jump into conclusions about the situation, as there are many possibilities to justify the circumstances the author is coming through.
Sending you light and love, Cat. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing this important perspective. I wish you all the best in discovering a path where you are celebrated, supported, and acknowledged for your incredible strengths and the challenges you've overcome.
That's a sad story. I'm glad you shared it and it's an eye opener for me and perhaps others. I will caution though about generalising, in this case about tech. There are two important dimensions across which tech is broad. These are geographically (with massive cultural diversity) and speciality (you were in web tech a very vogue and much discussed area of tech but actual not even the majority of tech, though likely the largest modern sector in terms of workforce and investment and turnover).
I'm in a different place (Tasmania) and sector (still software so a sister sector but producing desktop software for fisheries research and management) and it is nothing like your experience. In fact I just had an accident and broke both wrists and that makes productivity nil for many weeks and then compromised fire many weeks onward and I'm paid for my time off, and encouraged not to return to work faster than doctors advise lest recovery takes longer than projected. Also I've had children and was gladly given leave for some weeks paternity leave, and my wife a year of maternity leave (funded between the employer and government).
My point is simply that it is not tech you've a poor experience with her but a specific industry (web tech) in a specific area (with its legislative and work place cultures) and be careful about generalizing the conclusions you draw, that's all. I'm very sorry to hear how badly it's run for you but glad that you shared the experience (would I be right to guess that you're in the US?).
My experience is nothing like your experience because you are male, and from the look of your profile picture, you are also white. You automatically have privilege. Your family has been extremely fortunate to have been granted those leniencies: paternity leave, wrist injuries, etc.
My husband was granted paternity leave as well.
I, however, even though I carried the child, was never granted any mercy. And pregnancy for everyone is different. No two experiences are ever alike. Just because one woman didn't suffer from nausea, doesn't mean most won't either.
You will never experience what women and/or people of color will go through. This is exactly what we go through as a majority: zero empathy. Zero support.
I'm in the US but I worked for a European company.
My heart goes out to you because I truly believe you are suffering.
But hiding his comments just because you somewhat disagree with his very honest opinion, or because he is a "white male", is really off-putting.
This mentality is only somehow legitimate in the US, and it is false.
If you were to get out of the victim mindset for a second you would be able to see that @thumbone was supportive towards you.
The world is unfair to everyone, it is unfortunate for sure, but it is not because you are X, Y or Z.
From my personal experience (albeit not based in the US) women are encouraged to continue chasing a career in tech. We could agree that 20 years ago this was not the case, but today it is. In my country (which is a nation of 20% tech workers) women are an equal part of the tech industry and have the same (or even extended) rights as men. Gender has nothing to do with it.
Please, take care of your mental state, no career is worth what you're going through.
I wish you all the best in the world.
Now I think you're not just generalizing but also doing so in a rather judgemental manner.
To deny that someone can have experience regarding the experience of others, knowing nothing about them, other than a name and profile picture is the judgemental generalization that dangerously shuts down curiosity and discourse. I would advice you desist from that.
Would it make any difference to you that I've worked in many sectors and many contexts and this last one spanning two decades is staffed by a near parity of women (4 out of 10 in one open-plan room of development) more so in the whole business which is only twice that size roughly. Also it employs cross-culturally (we've had or have various Asian and Latino phenotypes, one trans woman, plenty of young families single folk, more mature families - African phenotypes are poorly represented here) across all the disciplines required to deliver a desktop software product. That I have children of both sexes and am tracking their "privilege" vs "merits" aged from 7 to 21. That I'm very familiar with nausea during pregnancy, and the issues around size and form and that experience is diverse (that I've delivered one child, had another delivered for me with a ventouse and yet another by Caesarian).
I'm curious why you're not more curious about who's commenting. Though I know such curiosity is rare given the strangle-hold that prejudice (in this case the prejudice that one can only have experience regarding ones own phenotype) typically exercises over us. A more generous approach is exploratory than judgemental. But it's also understandable once burned, to be wary. One bitten, twice shy, it's said, after all. So it's understandable that you upset and inclined to judge and stereotype those you blame (in this case for example, white males).
Alas I can't disentangle all of the details of your reported experience, having the clues of your article and now comment to go on. But thanks for confirming your U.S. basis.
I harbor a mild prejudice about contemporary US culture for example. Mild, meaning I would never deign to judge any individual on its basis but suspect I perceive a pattern. That pattern is, of a culture in which race, sex and workplace culture are all very differently approached than they are in our culture, and often for better or worse in a more blinkered manner. That is, most of the world is populated by people very aware of of diversity of cultures in the world but in the US I often suspect we see blindness to that and a tendency to project (assume that other cultures are similar to their own, i.e. it's not uncommon to find people in US assuming those they interact with online - in a global forum - are also from the US or intimately familiar with the US).
I certainly sense a much less stressed and more egalitarian approach to culture, race and sex in Australia when compared with what the US projects our way (through media, mass and social, and through occasional visits). I underscore however, yet again, that this is a mild, prejudice, that does not influence my interactions with individuals (far from it, the .S.S is also exceptionally full of exceedingly friendly and talented individuals).
Again, I am very sorry to hear how hard it's been for you and thank you for the sharing, but counsel against generalization and prejudice (the new addition based on what I read into your dismissal of my experience in nothing more than a cursory check of my perceived phenotype and apparent sex).
I am really sorry that all this happened to you and that you didn't find any support. I have no words... Every day and every time, a woman is going through something messed up in the tech industry, and this is awful. I understand your reasons for leaving tech, and I really hope you find a better life and better people on your new path. Thanks for having the courage to share your experience. We all need to talk about this so maybe, one day, something will change. I wish all the best for you.
Cat, I am so sorry you're going through this. While I can't truly understand your experience being a white male, I do understand discrimination, having been on the receiving end of it. I've experienced significant discrimination due to age, physical handicap, and ADHD.
The industry is much poorer because of the loss of someone like you.
I went through a similar journey. I think my jaunt into that world can best be described as 'death by a thousand cuts'. I love tech, and I love coding. But the tech industry is still far too bro-tastic. Not super tolerant of the neurodivergent. Especially if you're not a white guy. But I'm much happier now that I don't actually work in the industry. I found better, more positive ways to use my skills (helping small business owners), and I think I'm an even better coder now than I was when I was doing it full time for the man. Maybe a bit poorer... But definitely happier!
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